A narcissistic husband turns out to be ASD (Asperger's)

[Am_strong]

Hello. It's been a while since the last time I posted here. I'm 7.5 months pregnant living in Japan. My Canadian husband abandoned me as soon as we got married in August. I think he didn't know what to do with the pregnancy and my mood change, and although we got married on a paper as a step for starting a family but he just couldn't do it anymore.

I went to Canada to reconcile in September, and the attempt failed as our couple therapist kept challenging us by asking "do you even like each other?" when we both were constantly triggered with the on-going conflicts.

Since my return in October, I am living in an isolation, a house where we bought together in April this year, all alone during pregnancy. He was the most amazing partner I have ever dated, and I deeply loved him. My anxiety was haunting me and I couldn't eat nor sleep or 2 months.

Recently, I came out of a depression. After days and months of meditation and healing process by talking to friends and a therapist, I learnt to let him go.

My partner kept telling me nonsense such as "I will give you PR so that we can divorce in Canada and split the custody 50/50" ..Why would I do that when I am the one who's protecting this baby's life at all cost all alone in Japan, where mother can (most likely) get the full custody upon divorce. I speak Japanese and I have jobs here. Toronto is very expensive city with 1 studio rent being around $2000 and I won't be able to find a job there easily.

We agreed to get divorced, but as predicted, he is not committed to find a lawyer. Time is ticking, and the baby due is in March. My belly is growing. My husband never attempt to call me during this long distance. Initially I thought it was the fearful avoidant trait, then I started to wonder if he is a psychopath or narcissist. ("I am not good enough, and perhaps that's why I'm with you." "I was never happy in this relationship but I cannot leave you" etc)

Just a few days ago, I remembered that he has cousins and relatives who are autistic. I looked up the patterns of husband with ASD and bingo, everything described matches his traits.

I mean, finding that out doesn't really make me feel good since I'm carrying his child who could potentially have the genetic effect. But it definitely helped me understand how to read his behaviors.

I'm still wounded and want to get divorce. But he just keeps running away and shutting down. I want to encourage him to take a ASD test, or find a lawyer. But me asking him anything is a burden for him. He feels a lot of pressure from me even if it's a simple message.

I wish I could give him more time and space, but it's been over 9 weeks of long distance with little to no contact. I'm pregnant and anxious and I cannot do it anymore. How can I ask him to make a move?

[fauxartist]

I think you can divorce him for abandonment of the marriage.....I don't think you need him to do that....not sure what laws have to abide by.

[Am_strong in reply to fauxartist]

Thanks for your reply. In Japan, to be recognized as marriage abandonment takes about 3 years... Even though our marriage has failed since the day 1, I won't be able to divorce without my husband's agreement. I also need his financial support for the child which has to be agreed upon divorce.

[fauxartist in reply to Am_strong]

It's always so difficult to go through a divorce, but to be pregnant and soon to have a newborn....wow.... I'm so sorry your left holding all the responsibly, I hope you can get some sort of assistance....

I love Japan by the way. I lived in Osaka when I was a little girl, and the culture from that era always has been a part of my life.

Best wishes

[Am_strong in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you! Your comment made my day

[fauxartist in reply to Am_strong]

You have lots of support and empathy here, believe me... When my mother was 9 months pregnant with my little sister, she had to leave her home, and with me in tow with the cloths on our backs. I know how scary it can be trying to work out the next steps....just take it one at a time.... maybe just prioritize what is most immediate right now...and leave him where he is....get this baby into the world and you two bond, and you will see there is a strength you never knew possible to protect this little one that will get you through anything to keep them safe and provided for.

[Am_strong in reply to fauxartist]

thank you!! Your comment gave me some hope. I will try to stay positive appreciate you!

[fauxartist in reply to Am_strong]

Keep sharing.... I'm looking forward to hearing about your new little one and how things work out for you....take care

[Peptink]

Yes, as fauxartist said, please keep posting. We are all here to support you. Are you currently working? How about doctor visits. Are you able to go to those? Are there any family members or friends to support you? Best of luck and hoping things get better for you. 🌻

[Am_strong in reply to Peptink]

Thank you for your comment. I do have doctor check ups. Yesterday I went to see a psychiatrist. My doctor told me what I’m experiencing is called Cassandra Syndrome, suggesting I’m struggling with an autistic partner. It made so much sense. It justified my struggle for the first time.

[litethatnevergoesout]

wait how can the baby be due in March if your 7.5 months pregnant?

[Thural]

Choose your psychotherapist with the help of the psychiatrist who is treating you. This may help in the treatment process. Constant interaction with the therapist may help the patient to change their thought process by identifying the weaker areas of our thought process.

With respect to your issue with your husband & pregnancy nobody can give you a viable solution except yourself. Since you got married to a person from different continent that shows your courage to face uncertainties and certainly in your subconscious you know what you want out of this wedlock. Since you decided to have a baby , right now you need to focus on that. Certainly the husband must be facing all the emotions you are feeling and his attachment to the baby is also a natural thing. That is how we are all created.

If you two are unable to parent the baby think about giving it to adaption. Of course every individual is unique. Do according to your comfort zone so that you live a happy life.

[Dolphin14]

Am_strong

I think you should stay focused on you and your baby right now. It's not healthy to be stressed out like this especially when these are things you really can't change.

There are many high functioning people on the Spectrum. When your baby is old enough they can do testing and start early intervention so try not to think too far ahead.

Flying would be dangerous for you this late in your pregnancy I think. You are due in March I think you said? Might be best to stay put for safety reasons

Wishing you the best

🐬

[Alpakka123]

Asperger's used to be considered on par with someone who has high functioning autism, but not anymore. I could be wrong, but I don't think it's on the spectrum. Also, how is it that the baby is due in March if you're 7 1/2 months pregnant?

[Am_strong in reply to Alpakka123]

27 weeks pregnant, due in mid-march.