Need to vent

[dimsi]

This is my first post. I’m married with 2 children. I have a very bad relationship with my husband and I think I reached a very bad place.

Our marriage was never a good one and I kept trying to make it work for years until I decided not to make any effort and keep things as they are. So we are separated under the same roof for 4 years now.

A therapist that I used to see advised me to get divorce because he said that my husband character is passive and things won’t change with him.

Since I decided to remove him from my head, I was in peace and very happy. I stopped having expectations so no more disappointment.

Lately, my husband started treating me badly and calls me names as stupid and retarded woman. When I’m very successful and have good career which is supporting my family and pays rent, bills, school tuitions....

I’m lately feeling so sad all the time. I need to feel loved and miss having sex.

I asked for divorce but he manipulated and kept on saying no divorce because he loves me then he told our 13 years old daughter that I’m leaving them and manipulated her to convince me to stay. I decided to postpone the divorce until she finishes high school and leave the house for Univerity.

I need your support

[lorianxiety]

hi Dimsi,your relationship with your husband will never change as he is manipulating you iand your daughter that you are in the wrong when he obviously couldn't care less about you or your daughter.Why don't you try talking to her about the situation and he appears to be projecting all his bad qualities on to you ...if you intend to leave ,and theres no alternative method ,why wait?

[dimsi in reply to lorianxiety]

I can’t now!!!! My daughter has IB next year and I wouldn’t allow myself to let her go through separation and change of environment.

My husband is using her to manipulate me and she said that she feel sorry for him and if I leave him she will need to skip her studies and stay with him to support him.

She expressed in many occasions that he’s like a child and need someone’s support. She keeps on repeating that I always know how to support myself when he can’t.

I want her to start university before making any changes

[lorianxiety in reply to dimsi]

Itv is better to think things through carefully as its a big step,and of course your families needs are also important..Change is always going to be difficult until it eventually happens.Though your husband needs to stop insulting you ,;its a difficult time and you having to be cautious ,hoping you can find some support on here-wishing you well.

[gerg]

This is a difficult place to be stuck. I think that his actions are 100% about him. He is projecting his fears onto you. Anger is a mutated emotion that men are good at using to cover up the real feelings. Afraid, sad, hurt, and other negative emotions are displayed as anger.

I am not making excuses for your husbands actions, I just wanted to let you know that they are not about you. Passive was him bottling up the feelings/anger, and that didn’t work for him. I hope that he figures this out and gives you a divorce soon, but this may help you for now.

[dimsi in reply to gerg]

I totally agree

This is how he can cover his weakness.

Sometimes I am afraid to confront him because I’m afraid that he might commit suicide to escape confrontation. But sometimes I loose my temper and tell him everything I feel and reality of things

[gerg in reply to dimsi]

Confrontation is playing into his hand. Try to focus on controlling what you can, just you.

[Eowyn7]

I think you should consider the possibility that living with both parents fighting all the time may be worse for your daughter than if you lived separately. She is young and won't recognize that now but later in life she might. It would be different if you could be friendly and civil and be polite roommates but that is not the case here.

[Bird-67]

I think the answer lies in the sentence you are the successful one ie good career, paying all the bills and school tuition etc etc.

He feels inferior and is taking it out on you which is totally unacceptable.

I also think he would struggle to cope if you did leave but that is not a reason to stay as he will pull you down further and further as he wants you to be dependent on him.

I may be totally wrong but please don’t stay and be unhappy for the rest of your life.

Good luck 🤞

[pink318]

I’m sorry your marriage is going through this. Have you tried marriage counselling?

Try to talk to your husband about how you truly feel, I hope he will listen and the issues will be resolved.

.

I was talking to a friend yesterday and she has the same issue with her husband. She decided not to leave but she is getting tired of dealing with her husband’s childish attitude. I’m praying that they will overcome this problem and their marriage will be back to a happy one. I’m praying for you as well that things will work out in your family and blessings for your daughter. Please hang in there, you are in my prayers. God bless.

[dimsi in reply to pink318]

Thank you sooo much

I tried many many times to get marriage counseling and he refused and there is no way to convince him too.

The marriage counselor is the one advise me to get a divorce and he said that he’ll work with me to be able to take that decision. He said that usually he works with couples that has a 4 to 5 over 10 in their relation to reach 8 to 9 over 10. In our case were zero over 10 and if we both work hard the maximum to reach will be 5 over 10. Therefore counseling wouldn’t be beneficial

And thanks for ur prayers

I need it

I’m in the lowest place I ever reached in my life