Might be a little harsh to read... Been losing my mind...

[TheFightGoesOn]

Since Sunday evening I've just been going insane over a message that I had between my brother & I. I just can't get over it either. Maybe because it's the fact that he just doesn't seem to give a crap (so really want to a different term for that right now!!)!

I've had temporary custody of his daughter since January 15th, 2016, just a day before her 4th birthday. So, it's been 3 & 1/2 years that we had custody of her. Just so he can his anger & life together.

I will mention this just briefly: If Children & Youth Services would take a child from a parent that did not have a suitable home for their child & out that child into a foster home. That parent would have 1 year to find a stable job & a stable living environment for themselves & their child to home back home to. If in that 1 year, the parent could not do that, the foster parents their child were living with at that time have the choice to adopt their child. So, with that said, if my husband & I did not step in & ask my brother to sign over temporary custody to us, we knew that, at some point, CYS would & my brother would most likely, never be able to see his daughter again.

When he messaged me Sunday, he asked me if his daughter was awake or not. It was after 10 at night, nearing 11 I believe. Of course, she was sleeping & told him that. He asked me to video call him the next day so he can talk to her & show her the new baby he & his girlfriend just had. That's when I lost it. I told him that I was not going to be held accountable to remember & maybe forget to video call him so HE can show HIS daughter her new sister. I told him that my life is too busy anymore to have to add more things to not forget. If he wants to video call with his daughter, he knows how to reach me & her to do that. Then he went off on me about how I never gave him my hours of free time. I scrolled through our older conversations, just to make sure he was telling the truth. No, he wasn't. The last line of communication was back in April where I clearly gave him my free times to call or video chat. All the times were in the afternoon before my night shifts started during the weekdays. He just never made the effort to communicate with his daughter. And even before that, never did. Last time he has seen his daughter was Christmas. Not even for her birthday! Always saying he's too busy with work.

I just went off even more about it by pointing out the facts that, he's never too busy to make time for his girlfriends' children, his girlfriend, & to create a new baby, but he is too busy to make time for his daughter that his sister has given up nearly all of herself for to take care of. I pointed out to him that I have given up my bedroom with my bed that I share with my husband for the past 2 & 1/2 years so that I can be downstairs to sleep closer to his daughter because his daughter cannot sleep well at night. I just kept going off on a rant pointing out every single thing that I was & did give up & do for his daughter in all the time I had her for so far but, he has not yet done for her to get her back to him where she's been asking to be each night before she sleeps at night.

When I sleep at night, I cry for her when I cry for things. I cry a lot at night. For myself as well as for her, my husband, my daughter, & my son. I for everyone including myself. We all have suffered in our home from something or someone. I'm the one that stays up the most & cries about it all though because I'm the one that always holds so much of everything in. I hold a lot of what I am going through in. That's why I do a lot of crying I think.

But when we had that conversation Sunday. It just made me so overwhelmed with hate, distrust, depression, fear, & grief for my poor little niece. My brother is repeating a cycle that we have been through as children. I told him this. I told him that what he is doing to his daughter is the same thing that our parents did to us and it is truly messing her head up badly. He honestly did not say a darn thing about it. Nothing. I'm still waiting on a response from that & about me saying something about all that I have done & given up for his daughter compared to what he has not yet done.

It's truly sad to see that he's acting as if he doesn't care at all. It hurts & makes me want to just go to him & tear his heart out of his chest. How can he do this to his daughter? I'm crying right now for her. This truly stinks. I can't. I did call my sister & told her she needs to talk to him because he's really not doing good. He's going to destroy his daughter. Hopefully, she can do something or say something to make him wake up before it's too late.

[deborah27]

What access was agreed that he should have? His behaviour is unacceptable. Can phone/video calls be stopped until appropriate boundaries are put in place? She is with you for a reason, it is clear that he has not shown an ability to provide a stable and emotionally safe place for her. What you are doing is to provide her with that. You need support to make sure that continues. She won't be a little girl forever and you are working hard to ensure she can develop and grow and have a good life.

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to deborah27]

Our home consist of my husband, our teenage daughter, a dog, my niece, and myself. We were allowing her father visits when he wanted them which seemed only about, every few months or more. He has my phone number & my Facebook account. Any means of communications needed, he has. He knows the times that are best to communicate.

Because of my nieces' history & her ADHD, she goes through 2 different types of therapy (1 for trauma & 1 for ADHD) & sees a Dr. manage medications to keep her mental health/well being & ADHD stable, or at least as stable as we can get it. I've also moved downstairs to where she's been sleeping & has been there for as long as she's been sleeping there; this past February was exactly 2 years. She sleeps downstairs only because it was the only other spare room we could use as a bedroom. Our teenager needed her own room.

Everyone in our home has to have at least something they can call theirs, even the children. Our home also has consistency. That is certainly one thing that our niece never has had in her life that she needs so much right now! She does understand that everyone that loves each other, like her Uncle & Aunt, they do have a fight sometimes, but those fights are not with a lot of loud yelling, throwing of fists, kicking of legs, or calling of the cops. They just sometimes don't agree with each other in mean tones & put up the middle finger & look away with mean faces. Sometimes Auntie says a really mad F word. Which is true. But point is, we're as normal of a family in her eyes as we can possibly be. Yes, sometimes she'll see Auntie crying about something, but she'll just wipe something off her cheek & smile at me.

Myself, personally, have suffered a lot lately, parents died 1 & 1/2 years before she came to our home & so much more after she moved in, & a lot of scary things happened & changed in my life too but, I held as much of myself together as I could for her sake. She was my main concern for a long time, still is of course. Just recently I started working on my needs a lot more because I really had no choice. I was getting too close to the edge. I was not going to get anyone else better unless I was better too.

I'm okay enough again. Especially now, after that chat with my brother. He made me really see wtf he was doing to her.

She's been safe. Always. I have some caseworkers that visit our home once weekly for family therapy. Always making sure that everyone is safe & doing what's needed & required.

She'll start a Summer Camp soon too. This upcoming school year, I'd like to change her school to one more suitable for ADHD children.

I just don't know what to do about her father, my brother! He doesn't deserve her. He's just adding to her traumas. And he doesn't think he is or that he is. He's chatting with me right now about it. Asking me to show him proof that any form of her trauma has anything to do with him. As I said, I'm losing it!

I just don't know what to do here.

When my niece came to us, she had a head of lice that, no matter what we did, they just wouldn't go away! The only thing that we were able to do was, shave all of her hair off, get a new mattress, new bedding, new clothing, new everything. When he handed me those big envelopes, e told me they were all of her hospital records. When I looked them all over later in the week, all 4-5 of them, they were actual hospital records of when she was sick & or something else of closely related, worried about rattling in them, and they took her the hospital.

Honestly, while she was with him, her health was poor. Even WIC had her on special protein drinks throughout the day.

Since she's been with us. We have not needed to take her to any doctor or hospital for sickness or rattling. She hasn't had a head of lice. Even being in school now for 2 entire years.

Ok, I'm sorry. I'm here just going on. I just lost myself since he started messaging me again. I may have even lost myself in not completely answering the questions fully just yet. I'm deeply sorry for that. Just ask again & I promise to try my most darn to answer them this time. He just burst my bubble.

[deborah27 in reply to TheFightGoesOn]

Don't worry, understand. We as a family have experience of this and are living it. Just continue to let it all out on here, safe place. Chat when you are ready, just breathe.

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to deborah27]

It just hurts me to see he's blinded to the trauma he's adding to his daughter already a load of trauma we've been working so hard to work on. He honestly asked me over & over again last night to show him proof of the trauma caused by him.

I've been with his daughter for over 3 years now trying to help her through it. So much of it. I've given up so much of myself & our home has given her so much in the time she's been us & we have so much to show for that but, when her father is asked to show something for his work over all the years he hasn't had his daughter, he has nothing to show.

I just don't get it. While taking care of our niece, we're also trying to get our 18 old year son to prepare for the big world, so he can be ready to face it on his own. It's what he wants. So, we've been making sure that we teach him everything he knows. Also, help our teenage daughter with her emotional meltdowns. Seems girls her age, 14, are more prone to the emotional roller coaster rides than boys, with my son at that age, it was more a hormonal thing. I'm also trying to make sure my husband is not going overboard with lifting & household things because he was just in the hospital this past Friday night. Gave me the biggest scare of my life. Honestly thought I was going to lose him. Ended up being fluid around his lung & lung flaps rubbing together causing loads of pain. Still very scary. He's still in a lot of pain when the Naproxen wears off. I'm fearing even going into work tonight & leaving him with my normal night duties. But, we also can use my money. I also have been trying a lot harder to work on my own mental health now. I've seen that I really needed to start because, since my husband's scare, I got even more depressed because it triggered my memories of my mothers' death & how we ended our relationship before that. That's why I decided to come here & try to treat this place like my own little blog or journal. Not really caring anymore if I do get responses, as long as I am able to at least release all my darkness somewhere.

My brother just assumes that everything here is fine. I'm never busy. I work at night & I'm available all day because I do nothing during my day. I think that's why he just expects me to make his calls or video chats for him, to him, so he can talk with his daughter. That's why I told him he has it all wrong. I'm home during the day, yes, but, I'm still busy. I'm always running around chasing my niece, cleaning the house, doing laundry, sometimes taking the girls to appointments or me going to one, I'm always doing something. That's why I told him that I will not be held accountable for forgetting to make a call or video chat to him so he can talk to her. If he wants to talk to her, he can just message me & ask if it's a good time. I told him I work nights, he's known that for about a year now. He has no excuse. Not a logical one. I just fear that he'll call this time to introduce my niece to her new sister & then not her from her father again for another few months, maybe more. That's the part he doesn't understand that's adding more trauma onto her. That's the cycle that he's creating for her that was created for us by our parents.

I just don't know what to do aside from what I've been doing, get her to her therapy sessions & doctors, keep sleeping on my couch next to her bedroom, etc. I did talk with my sister last night about him & the conversation he & I had. She told me she will talk to him about what he's doing & try to make him see that he's screwing up in the worse way ever. I just hope she can do it. I hope that will work.

[deborah27 in reply to TheFightGoesOn]

Do just keep doing what you are doing the pressure is fierce. Really so similar to us. Use here, there will always be support or a comforting word. I think it does help.

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to deborah27]

In some of my cases, it does. This one is the toughest for me. Aside from my nieces' trauma history, she also has ADHD. It's pretty bad. Even this morning her impulse control was out of control, after already going through the cycle of "stop, think before you do, how would it make them feel, & you feel if it were done to you". I woke up seeing her with the fridge door open, with our huge dog by her side, picking through my husbands hoggie for lunch today at work. All I said to her was, "whelp, I guess you've had your breakfast!" This impulse thing is every day, more times than I can count if she's not watched like a hawk!