So i and my friend parted ways, she was my school friend. (6-7 years friendship I am talking about).Most of the time i used to feel like my efforts are way more than hers, as if she wants me to chase her, to make her feel that she is important. I don't know how, but while speaking to her I also felt this - "I deserve friend like her while she doesn't need friend like me as she used to brag about her life and how she is also having other friends. She is married so she is having support of husband as well.
Simply put, she is managing to keep people in her life while I am failing in that area. My relationships don't last longer. So it is always like " (She would say- i will manage without you (social support wise) , would you be okay without me? And when she got to know that i am taking help of social media to fill that need of mine, she started behaving in passive aggressive way, taunting me, persuading me of all the ways social media can harm me, that people are not reliable, invalidating, making me feel that whatever I am doing is wrong and i am betraying her by being close to other people. Directly/indirectly it was like "why do you need them if you have me? Don't you consider me as your friend? Am I not enough for you? You are making me feel like I am not a good person who knows value of friendship?
Each conversation became less about our bond and more about my social media use. And excessive guilt tripping . As a result I would refrain from calling her (and whenever she calls first statement that comes is this - "you know how much guilt I experience whenever I try to call you? How come you never call me? I am becoming shameless day by day, making efforts to keep this friendship. What are you doing? )
It's like I am not a good friend who deserves her attention and I should pay price of that. She would avoid and then reappear again and again.
When did her emotional needs become more important than mine, I don't know. And how is it fair that she gets listener (in form of her husband) and I stay unlucky in that regard, just because I am not married.
So I decided to not talk to her. It was a sudden decision, I was sick of her emotional unavailability and the fact that I can never count on her. There was no point of keeping this friendship (which doesn't look like friendship) so I ghosted.
While I know about need for closure or that there are mature ways to terminate friendship but I am afraid that in doing so I will again be influenced by her statements (she says she feels like she is not good enough). As an empath, I suffer maintaining Boundaries. And the fact that she can use this ghosting thing against me, can put blame on me that I am leaving her and she did nothing wrong. I don't want to end up feeling guilty when I know that it is not entirely my fault that our friendship didn't work. (I used to fight to my family members whenever they would say - stay away from that friend, she is using you)
It's been more than 2 month and I am not grieving properly. I am just angry at myself, not because I lost that Friendship but because I am not feeling that loss with that much intensity. Even crying is difficult as every sweet moment I am trying to remember is meeting with the memories where harsh words were used. Really frustrated. Never expected that my one sided friendship would end like this.
Story 
Talking to myself out loud
Friend lost?Heart hurts
Why do I even try?
