Good day guys, I am new here and I am depressed. I feel like I will never be able to get happiness no matter what I do. I am 20 and in college, unlike many college kids, I don't like childish relationship with no commitments. So when my girlfriend ( of whom is an ex now) of almost 2 years broke up with me and it completely shattered me and my self-esteem. And the ironic part is that she was depressed too. She was depressed when I first kissed her, she was depressed before she met me. Despite my effort to help her, I sometimes added into her depression. I was a young kid who wanted affection at times when she needed to be alone. I was too stupid to realize that my words hurt her and that her depression made everything sound so much worse than it actually is. And I was so selfish that I wanted her to give me the most of her attention. I didn't know the severity of her depression and I treated her wrong. But when she told me about her depression, I never wanted to back out. I stuck with her through thick and thin. I was there when the world was against her. I was there when her bosses treated her badly, when school was hard and when she felt like she wasn't any good. I stayed up until she wanted to sleep talking to her. I brought her up, telling her all the good things about her when she was stressed out and talked her out of negativity. When she was sick, I was by her side, bringing her soup and medications. I have always been there and not once have I ever complained about what I have to do. I have no family where I am going to college and she was my only love one. So there has been a time where I rented an apartment in the middle of nowhere in my college area just so that I could come to visit her. When the odds were against us, I would visit her during the short time of her lunch break every day, driving almost two hours every day just so that I could spend half an hour a day with her. You guys would probably think I am crazy and I am, crazy in love with her. She used to tell me how her ex-boyfriend hurt her because he did not give her enough affection and I wanted to be different, I wanted to stick by her at all cost. And most importantly, all of the bad stuff I have done to her above was fixed. I fixed myself up so I wouldn't hurt her with the same thing any longer. I stopped being a demanding boyfriend. I stopped asking her to give me the best of her attention. I stopped giving her hurtful words. I supported her when she told me she needs her own free time before. I didn't get mad when she had her episode and didn't contact me for a whole day, leaving me completely anxious and scared. I told her that she could take all the time she needs to feel better. But regardless of what I have done, she broke up with me. She said she needed time to be by herself. At first, I got it, I wasn't being the best boyfriend for her and she needed to be on her own two feet. But a few days before she broke up with me, I kept calling her at work because she didn't snapchat ( that's what kids do these days) at all during her free time when she usually does. That's okay for her to be mad at me, most of you guys would probably think I was being super clingy. But the thing is, I have lost family members in a blink of an eye. One minute they were well and fine and the next minute they were gone. That gave me an anxiety when my love ones go a long time without contacting me. I usually assumed that something really bad happened. I thought she would understand but instead after she broke up with me. She posted on her Facebook page saying that was why she broke up with me, because I kept calling her at work and being clingy. Leaving out the part where I explained why and how it affected me mentally when she doesn't snapchat me. So all of her friends made fun of me and acted in shock of my action. She even said that the last two days have been the happiest days of her life right after she dumped me. I feel depressed, heartbroken, betrayed. I did everything I could as a boyfriend. I wasn't perfect and I acted wrong but somehow I feel like I was the cause of her depressions since she is feeling so much better now without me. I don't know what to feel or do anymore. You guys may think this is a stupid post and I did everything wrong and you might be right. I might just really deserved this and I was just an awful person. I just don't know.
Thank you for reading this.
Written by
zevietnameseguy98
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Hi and warm welcome to the site. It sounds like you are still in the early days of your breaks when everything is still raw and painful and confusing and I'm sorry you feel so bad at the moment. I think something I have learned over time is that we can never be responsible for someone else's happiness. Relationships are about giving and receiving on both sides, as much as you might have thought it was your responsibility to give all the time, I think long term this cannot make either of you happy. Whatever other people think right now doesn't really matter, they will soon move onto other things. Right now my advice to you would be to show yourself some kindness, neither of you are to 'blame', people want different things at different times in their life. You sound like a very thoughtful , compassionate, kind young man. Think of things you like to do for yourself such as reading or going walking. Contact an old friend to do something fun, talk about how you feel but keep an open mind that this is not the end of your life. Please keep in touch and I wish you all the best xx
Hi Caz, thank you for your kind words. It really lifted my spirit up. I still don't know if I should contact her after a few weeks to check in or should I let her go completely off my grid? Parts of me are angry at her and the other parts just want things to fall back into places. Thank you xx
In answer to your question about getting in touch with her, my advice would be to think about what you want from the contact. If it is to check she is ok, would she take the first step to get in touch with you if she needed you? Perhaps you need the contact more for yourself? I think that's ok you were together for a while. You need to feel you can be a little detached as you are no longer a couple. It's very hard to keep a friendship going with a former girlfriend / boyfriend as one of you will eventually enter into a new relationship and that is usually painful for one of you. Think about what you can do to bring joy into your own life, you both deserve happiness perhaps just not together xx
You are completely right. Being friends with her would not be a good idea if she truly moved on, I would be torn apart. Thank you for replying to me, I really appreciate it.
Hello zevie!
Welcome to this forum! I’m glad you’re here sharing! You will be happy again! It just doesn’t feel like it right now. I understand that you’re devastated and I don’t think that’s abnormal. Break-ups are tough and lonely. Your happiness lies within yourself and isn’t contingent on anyone else’s love or affection. Love yourself first and the rest will fall into place. Realize that you didn’t cause her depression or lack of. You stated that she was depressed when you first met her. No one has that much power over another unless allowed by that person.
Maybe you should think of this as a great life-lesson, teaching you to always be kind and respectful to those you love. I think our difficulties in life are there to teach us something we need. We just need to pay attention to what those lessons might be. Hopefully you will have a different attitude in your next relationship. Work on yourself right now and do your best to let go! Oh! And stay off of her FB Page for your sanity! Wishing you the best!!
Thank you so much for your kind words. Is it a good idea to remain a friend with her and check in on her after a few weeks or should I just cut it loose? Thank you.
Thank you, guys. I think I will take your advice and just move on with my feeling. It's hard when I put in so much effort to make it work in the past and now it's all suddenly gone but I guess this is for the best. Have good day :). Will keep you guys posted.
You are a wonderful person. You gave her what you believe she needed. You’ve had losses in your life that make change very hard. You needed consistency as a child and did not get it. So you try to make sure you have it now. All of those are normal responses to trauma and loss.
Both you and your girlfriend are ill. It’s nearly Impossible to have healthy dynamics, especially when you are in your 20s. I say this with all the care for you in the world. Because I’ve done this my entire life. I believed that if I could anticipate and meet every need I would make myself so needed that someone would never leave me. That is how I got love. It’s called codependency and I am a pro. But I’m working on getting healthier.
You will bounce back. She is not worthy of the kind of love you can give. There is a woman out there who will not use you nor allow you to give to her when it is harmful to you. I know this is hard. Allow yourself to grieve. If you never grieved your other losses, get counseling for those. Most likely you are feeling the grief from all of your losses at once and that is why this is so hard. Keep reaching out to us. We are here for you.
Thank you so much for your reply. I never thought I would get the support I am getting now from you guys and I appreciate it so much. Will keep you guys posted as the day goes for me. Have a good day :).
You didn’t deserve it. I wish my ex had cared for me the way you cared for your ex. Every time I was in a bad, more depressed mood she would say there was nothing she could do to help. She made me feel shitty and needy and like I had a lot of problems. Yet all I want to do now, four weeks after our break up, is talk to her (even though she was mean to me). Well really I just want someone to care about me, because no one does. My parents are emotionally abusive and friends don’t give enough of a shit to truly help. I feel alone and I think I might understand some of what you are going through even if our situations are somewhat different. If you need someone to talk to, to relate to, I’m here.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am also here if you need someone to talk to. I hope that you will find someone who treats you better because we all deserve a lover who cares
I know u r young and I know it is hard to go through break ups and 💓 ache and yes it does seem u r a bit clingy but if you were supportive and caring for her later on she may come to see that she misses that later on and in the mean time you should relax yourself and your emotions stay busy and get out go places do things spend time with friends
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