Good day guys, I am new here and I am depressed. I feel like I will never be able to get happiness no matter what I do. I am 20 and in college, unlike many college kids, I don't like childish relationship with no commitments. So when my girlfriend ( of whom is an ex now) of almost 2 years broke up with me and it completely shattered me and my self-esteem. And the ironic part is that she was depressed too. She was depressed when I first kissed her, she was depressed before she met me. Despite my effort to help her, I sometimes added into her depression. I was a young kid who wanted affection at times when she needed to be alone. I was too stupid to realize that my words hurt her and that her depression made everything sound so much worse than it actually is. And I was so selfish that I wanted her to give me the most of her attention. I didn't know the severity of her depression and I treated her wrong. But when she told me about her depression, I never wanted to back out. I stuck with her through thick and thin. I was there when the world was against her. I was there when her bosses treated her badly, when school was hard and when she felt like she wasn't any good. I stayed up until she wanted to sleep talking to her. I brought her up, telling her all the good things about her when she was stressed out and talked her out of negativity. When she was sick, I was by her side, bringing her soup and medications. I have always been there and not once have I ever complained about what I have to do. I have no family where I am going to college and she was my only love one. So there has been a time where I rented an apartment in the middle of nowhere in my college area just so that I could come to visit her. When the odds were against us, I would visit her during the short time of her lunch break every day, driving almost two hours every day just so that I could spend half an hour a day with her. You guys would probably think I am crazy and I am, crazy in love with her. She used to tell me how her ex-boyfriend hurt her because he did not give her enough affection and I wanted to be different, I wanted to stick by her at all cost. And most importantly, all of the bad stuff I have done to her above was fixed. I fixed myself up so I wouldn't hurt her with the same thing any longer. I stopped being a demanding boyfriend. I stopped asking her to give me the best of her attention. I stopped giving her hurtful words. I supported her when she told me she needs her own free time before. I didn't get mad when she had her episode and didn't contact me for a whole day, leaving me completely anxious and scared. I told her that she could take all the time she needs to feel better. But regardless of what I have done, she broke up with me. She said she needed time to be by herself. At first, I got it, I wasn't being the best boyfriend for her and she needed to be on her own two feet. But a few days before she broke up with me, I kept calling her at work because she didn't snapchat ( that's what kids do these days) at all during her free time when she usually does. That's okay for her to be mad at me, most of you guys would probably think I was being super clingy. But the thing is, I have lost family members in a blink of an eye. One minute they were well and fine and the next minute they were gone. That gave me an anxiety when my love ones go a long time without contacting me. I usually assumed that something really bad happened. I thought she would understand but instead after she broke up with me. She posted on her Facebook page saying that was why she broke up with me, because I kept calling her at work and being clingy. Leaving out the part where I explained why and how it affected me mentally when she doesn't snapchat me. So all of her friends made fun of me and acted in shock of my action. She even said that the last two days have been the happiest days of her life right after she dumped me. I feel depressed, heartbroken, betrayed. I did everything I could as a boyfriend. I wasn't perfect and I acted wrong but somehow I feel like I was the cause of her depressions since she is feeling so much better now without me. I don't know what to feel or do anymore. You guys may think this is a stupid post and I did everything wrong and you might be right. I might just really deserved this and I was just an awful person. I just don't know.
Thank you for reading this.