Needing to just tweak thoughts about Longtime friend who walked away from friendship.

[Naturelover58]

I have posted here about my lifelong friend who has been going through some issues for some time. She felt that I wasn't supportive to her, and 6 months ago, she told me that she was taking a break from the friendship. Her anger with me, stemmed from her expecting me to check in on her continuously while she was going through her issues(even with me having already spoken to her twice during the day) and my resulting anxiety(about her controlling and anger) causing me to pull away from the friendship. She has been seeing a counselor for years and the counselor has told her that she wasn't being fair with me, and my friend told the counselor that she didn't care-that this is what she needed. I suggested we talk to another counselor who we both didn't know to try to sort things through and the friend quit after one session, because she felt that the counselor was only seeing my side. I miss the "historic" friendship-not so much of the friend that has been there for 3.5 years, often angry with me and dismissive of my thoughts, as her problems(admittedly she has had some difficult things to go through in the past years) were so much greater. Another friend had suggested I write this friend a letter to give me some closure, but the friend with the issues, had already written me in our last communication, that any attempts of mine to contact her would be met with resentment as she feels I haven't been there for her ever. I can't fix this friendship on my own, and I feel that if this friend doesn't get help there will be nothing to fix. I think I am anxious about the fact that this friend sees me as a horrible friend, and I am sure that even though she is the one taking the break, she will see it as my neglect of her during a world pandemic. Just needed to write my thoughts down. Sometimes, I am fine and sometimes, it seems like this weighs me down.

[Hidden]

Hi,

Here's my assessment: It sounds like you've done what you can to no avail, so you might just have to wish her well and get on with your life. I know that's easier said than done, but it sounds like she's draining you. From what you're saying it sounds like she's very needy and not able to understand that any relationship needs a healthy balance of give and take (not just take). What do you think of my assessment?

[Naturelover58 in reply to Hidden]

Thankyou MinnieMouse1234, I know I have done what I could do. I don't know if her controlling nature was a part of our friendship, all these years, but as the difficulties in her own life escalated, she became controlling and angry to the point that I would withdraw in self protection, and then her anger would escalate more. The friend prior to all of this, was the best friend that anyone could ask for. She told me that due to her problems, it would have to be just about her, but that didn't diminish in any way over the last few years. We can be there for our friends, but being available 24/7 was expected of me and if I didn't have an intuitive sense of calling her, when she felt that she needed a call, I would suffer the consequences. I know that you are right.

[Hidden in reply to Naturelover58]

You're welcome.🙂

A few things stick out:

-The second half of your second sentence is very telling in more way ms than one. I'm sure any therapist would tell you that, since she's losing control over her life, she's trying desperately to look elsewhere for that control. Human beings hate not being in control of something. But, human beings also don't like being controlled. This is where you come in. The fact that her anger escalates the more you try and protect yourself is telling too. She feels her control over you slipping away.

The rest of your reply just makes her sound draining. She actually told you your friendship needed to be all about her??!! Sheez. I'm sorry.

[Naturelover58 in reply to Hidden]

I continued to see the counselor that I had booked a few appointments for, after my friend quit the first session. Having this friend be in my life for decades and also to be such an important part of my life, it is hard to think about not having her here for the future, but at the same point in time, her unwillingness to see that she needs to seek help(beyond her current therapist) is beyond what I can fix. Towards the end, when the anger became just her continual frustration with me, she told me that she had severe abandonment issues, and I was triggering this. The only way that she would have been happy is that if I gave up all sense of self and just became a servant to her needs. I certainly feel better emotionally over the last 6 months(since the break) than I have been, but every once in awhile, I think about the fact that eventually she will decide that I may have "learned my lesson" and unless she is able to accept that she has played a role in the breakdown of the friendship, I want to go ahead without her.

[Hidden in reply to Naturelover58]

Good for you for coming to this conclusion!👏

[SongAndSoul]

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I understand how it feels to miss the “historic friendship, but not necessarily the friend” who in blatant terms is a “taker.”

You naturally became the bad guy because you could no longer meet her demands without losing your real self in the process.

The word that comes to mind is “grief.”

You are going to grieve this person.

It’s a process that cannot be avoided.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings but remember that it is not your “job” to be on duty for a friend.

It sounds like she lacks object constancy and sees you as the white Knight on the White Horse or the Black Knight on the Black Horse.

You are neither.

You are a human being and taking care of yourself is one of YOUR needs.

[Naturelover58 in reply to SongAndSoul]

Thank you SongandSoul, My friend's therapist had told her that it was unfair to have such high expectations of me, and yet my friend told me herself that she told the therapist that she didn't care. You are right in that I was losing myself. When my friend's elderly cat became ill, she called me to tell me that this pet was ill and she had decided to take the cat into the vet. We talked about it twice that morning, and my friend left to go visit a relative for the day. That night, the pet died at the vet. I didn't know it. I was scheduled to leave for a few days and the next afternoon(I didn't know about the cat dying), I called to see how the pet was. My friend didn't pick up the phone for 3 days and on the last day she did and she became extremely angry that I didn't call the night that the pet had died. It didn't help that I called the next afternoon. This wasn't the first time that her anger had stemmed from her unspoken expectation that I call her when she needed a call. I told her and the counselor that I had arranged(to try to work through our difficulties), that I was feeling that she was setting up tests for me to jump through hoops and each time, I was set up to fail the test as the hoops were getting smaller and smaller. I have less stress in my life since she has taken the break from our friendship, but I know without her getting the help she needs, that we are done. I can't live with a friendship where I am always tested. I am grieving the loss of the friendship and grief is not always a quick process. Thanks so much for your thoughts.

[Sunflowerxxxxxx]

Hi agree with minnie mouse you have done all you can and you now need to concentrate on you and your own life, i question why this is as it is for you? Do you have any other friends? You may well find that if you leave her alone she may well cone running sad to say but some people thrive on what you are doing, none if this is fair on you snd is affecting you badly you need to cut ties and concentrate on yourself... be happy🙂

[Naturelover58 in reply to Sunflowerxxxxxx]

Hi Lolabex, Yes, I do have other friends. This was my best friend for over 40 years, someone who I could share anything with and someone I planned to have in my life for the rest of my life. 3 and a half years ago, the friendship changed. I don't question that I have done all that I can. As someone said above, I must be going through the grief process and even though the anxiousness that I faced for the last couple of years, has lowered considerably, I still miss the friendship that we had. I think to ever have a friendship that is that close and then gone, it would tear someone apart to some degree. Thanks for your comments.

[Sunflowerxxxxxx in reply to Naturelover58]

I miss read i didnt realise you had been friends for 40 years wow, i can understand how terribly difficult and upsetting it is to lose a friend you have had and cherished for so long take care and i hope things work out well for you either way🙂

[Naturelover58 in reply to Sunflowerxxxxxx]

I hadn't written down how long we were friends, but that is the reason that this has been so painful. Regardless, your advice is good. It is in the moments that I feel that I miss that old friend-certainly not the friendship of the last couple of years, but the old friend that was so dear to me, that I find so difficult. Thank you.