After a friend went silent on me

[teenytinyspider]

I'm looking for some perspective on this situation and have been trying to move past it and not fixate and feed my anxiety with it. Any help is appreciated.

About six months ago, I met up with my best friend for my birthday and had a great time. The next day, we were supposed to meet up again and she had to cancel. Ok, ok, no biggie...The she went to her hometown for a week for a funeral. About a week and a half after that, I texted her and said I hope she was able to find some peace during the funeral time, and that I was there to support her whenever she needed. Another 2 weeks went by without me hearing from her. I struggled with the decision to reach out again because I wanted to respect her space but also be there for her. I ended up texted her about a month later saying that I missed her, hoped she was ok, and that I would love to catch up, take a walk, or just listen if she needs.

4 months of no communication went by...then I received a letter from her in the mail that said she missed me and apologized for the long silence. She said she was struggling with a cycle of guilt/shame that she didn't want to do anymore. She said that she would reach out to me the following week to see if we could meet up.

I haven't heard from her though. It's been a month since the time she said she would reach out.

Throughout this experience, my anxiety has bubbled up and, at times, I've gotten lost in the narratives I'm telling myself about this friendship, which further spirals me.

I am feeling hurt that I have essentially lost my best friend. I understand that I can only be responsible for my side of the friendship, and her actions are her own.

I was hoping she would reach out when she said she would, and am disappointedthat she didnt. I wanted to tell her that I can be her friend and support her through these tough times, but also need more communication in our relationship. I'm sad that she hasn't reached out, and it feels like the opportunity to mend this friendship is slipping away. It breaks my heart.

I am struggling with maintaining my own sense of self and boundaries throughout this experience. I want to tell her my needs in the friendship, such as communication, but should I continue just waiting and waiting for her to reach out? I want to respect my own boundary but also don't want to wait in limbo for her.

Thoughts of this friendship and the hurt bubble up in my mind from time to time. I'm having a hard time moving past it and coping.

Any insight or ideas would be really appreciated.

Just sharing is helping. <3

[Melly4]

This is interesting. I have a lot of things I am curious about but really none of it matters. Here is what I would do if I were in this situation. Send her a text saying something like “I think about you so often. It sounds like you are going through something tough and I want you to know I am here for you. I want to respect your privacy and your space but also want you to know I am here to support you in any way I can. I miss you and hope everything is ok.”

Then I would probably think about this a ton and worry and wonder and maybe even feel mad and hurt a little. But I wouldn’t reach out again.

Maybe you know what she is going through but didn’t want to (understandably) mention. I know there is probably more to all this than you want to share but based on details you provided, that is what I would do.

My best friend of 30 years put up a brick wall with me about 3 years ago. We still speak but rarely and she acts pretty distant when we do. When it first happened, I apologized if there was anything I had done that upset her. She gave me no explanation. It was really really hard to understand and I was deeply hurt for a year. It feels ok now. I realize it is probably more about her than me.

[teenytinyspider in reply to Melly4]

I really appreciate your insight. Thank you. I like the message that you had suggested, and that's how I would write it too.

I have been hesitant to say that because I am finding that I can't be there unconditionally for a friend if they go silent on me like this for months at a time. I don't feel like that is a good way to be friends, so I guess I'm also struggling with confrontation and if I want to put in the effort to address my hurt feelings and my need for communication in this friendship. I have to also accept that she just may not be in a place to be more communactive with me. I guess I'm afraid to reach out again because I'm still deciding if I do want to continue being friends with her because of this.

I tried to add as much detail in my original post, but I can see where you have questions. I'm new at sharing. Lol.

Before all this, we saw and messaged each other weekly. In her letter she did say that her going silent had nothing to do with me or my actions. This was just how she copes with her own struggles-by withdrawing.

And that's where I struggle though. How capable I am to have a friendship like that? It can be draining and I don't find it fair.

The silence between my friend and I was more about her than my actions. That doesn't mean I can't still send a message and show love and support with establishing my boundaries in the friendship.

Thank you for sharing about your friend. That sounds so painful. I'm glad you've been able to manage through. It's comforting to know that this does happen to other people too.

I think you were brave to reach out to her, and I think i can be more brave in this situation too.

[CanYouHearMe in reply to teenytinyspider]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I can relate as I feel two of my friends are slipping away. However I still have some communication. Just not nearly the it used to be.

It really sucks not understanding what is going when it hurts so much. My thoughts and feelings are people find the time for things they want to do no matter what is going on in their world. Especially texting. It takes 10 seconds to respond to a text.

You are worth 10 seconds of your best friend. At this point you should move on , not text anymore, and if she ever comes around, be cautious and expect a reasons for the silence. If you don’t get that, return the favor of silence.

Again so sorry that this is happening. I know it is painful. Sending you love.

[teenytinyspider in reply to CanYouHearMe]

Thank you. These are a lot of my same thoughts too. I know that when people withdraw, it's more about them and not others, but I can't subject myself to that and be unconditionally there for them. I've done that in the past and am working on holding my boundaries so i can protect my health too. It's hard not to lose trust, but before I do, I do want to communicate something along the lines of love, support, and my needs with her. I don't think I'm ready to do that right now though. Still working on me and my life. I appreciate your perspective and understanding. I hope you find some peace through what you're going through with your two friends too. It sounds like you've adjusted to a new balance of communication. I think my friendship with her has evolved similarly.

[CanYouHearMe in reply to teenytinyspider]

You are so right. We do have to put ourselves first at times. And very smart to consider your boundaries.

I am still working in the change with my friends. It is hurtful and fearful for myself, of the possibility of loosing two people that are still so close. But like you I am trying to put boundaries in perspective, which I kind of suck at, and care for me mental health.

Feel free to reach out anytime! I will listen.

[teenytinyspider in reply to CanYouHearMe]

Same It's a journey. Twists and turns and blind curves. But practicing holding our boundaries with ourselves helps. And it will get easier. <3

[CanYouHearMe in reply to teenytinyspider]

Sure hope so! ❤️

[fauxartist]

I can understand how it feels when you don't know why someone you care about is suddenly out of your life. The reality is.... we don't know what's going on with someone else's life really. And we may care about them and miss them..and it sounds like you did all the right things about giving her space....but... it is what it is.... and sadly you may never know what their reasoning is for needing space. But we have to remember....it's not necessarily anything to do with us, it's not on us....and we have to just accept that we may need to move on from them and just get busy with our own stuff. And you may or may not see them down the road, but in the mean time...you are doing what you need to do for you...

[teenytinyspider in reply to fauxartist]

Absolutely, thank you for that reminder. It's comforting. I don't need to torment myself with it. I can keep on with my life.

[fauxartist in reply to teenytinyspider]

I'm glad your going to keep moving forward.... we just don't know what's happening in other people's lives..... and life is too short... there is a whole world out there to see if your young or young at heart and still able to get around... Making those memories are what sustain you later in life when it's not so easy to get around for some of us...

[teenytinyspider in reply to fauxartist]

I appreciate that perspective, and it's helpful reminder. I don't want to waste my years on this earth worrying about things and staying stuck in the past either. We all deserve fond memories to look back on to sustain us, but also can't let those memories trap us from moving forward.

[hypercat54 in reply to teenytinyspider]

I am in a similar situation with my best friend. We would chat often and meet up every 10 days or so for lunch and catch up.

Then 2 and a half years ago she got a new man in her life and virtually disappeared. I never thought she would be the kind of friend who would do this.

I have texted her a few times and bumped into her occasionally and she is having problems with her health I know but she manages to find the time to go away with him a lot and spend all her free time with him too.

Like you I am hurt but I'm not going to reach out any more. I have moved on. I am open to her coming back in my life again maybe 1 day but am not holding my breath.

However she may find if her relationship ends that the friends she has got, including me, have moved on and haven't got much time for her either.

As a single person I need friends I can see and having ones I can't spend time with is not much use to me.

[teenytinyspider in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry you've gone through it too. Yeah, and honestly, choosing your friends in life has so much impact on the quality of life, so pick the ones that make time for you. That's what I'm refocusing on now. I hope you've found some good people now too. I don't want to hold my breath anymore waiting either.

[hypercat54 in reply to teenytinyspider]

Yes. Like you and most of us I guess I understand how you feel.

You can't put your life on hold waiting for others. There are lots of potential friends out there we still have to meet lol

[teenytinyspider in reply to hypercat54]

True! Even connecting on this post with people has helped so much. Thank u.

[b1b1b1]

You have to move on at this point and stop worrying and thinking about her. I would not even send more messages or texts of any kind. She has already indicated that she is no longer interested in maintaining the friendship for whatever reason. While she may have problems, she is also being rude by not giving you some kind of explanation. I doubt it has anything to do with you. It is too bad, but these things happen.

[teenytinyspider in reply to b1b1b1]

I resonate with this. Thank you for the push to move on. I've spent enough time processing and thinking about it. And yeah these things do happen. Sad but I need to just accept it. It's helpful to have other folks see it this way too. Sometimes it's just hard to trust my gut, but I gotta start doing that more.Thank you.

[fauxartist in reply to b1b1b1]

I agree totally.... at least have a goodbye in there somewhere.... when you spend that much time with someone and get to know them .... you thought you knew them... and they just float away....it does make you wonder.... and it's hard at first. It just becomes another brief thought of the past eventually.

[mizzou7016]

ok....first and foremost....it's time to get out of the blame yourself and pity mode....you have done everything in your power to be there for your friend...at some point in time the decision to move on has to be made...it's not doing you any good when you are dealing with not only your own self doubt and "issues"....you don't deserve this...you have put the ball back in her court many times....at some point in time this becomes about the other person....you can't make them do something that they're not ready to do....i know it's not easy...especially when you feel like you don't have many friends to start with....I am always here if you need it..but none of this is your fault...remember that...

[teenytinyspider in reply to mizzou7016]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I tend to be so hard on myself but don't realize it sometimes. Thanks for calling it and being supportive. And tbh I am proud of how I handled things. I can sleep easy with that.

[Midori in reply to teenytinyspider]

Sounds as if your friend is having a really bad time of it. Grief hits people in different ways, for instance Queen Victoria mourned Prince Albert right until her death, many years. I would suggest just reminding her you are still caring about her just a couple of times a year ( birthday and Christmas maybe), and hope she comes back to you eventually for your friendship.

Don't blame yourself; Take Mizzou's advice and leave her until she is ready.

Cheers, Midori

[teenytinyspider in reply to Midori]

I think i might do that for Xmas this year. I know that's a hard time for a lot of people anyway. I don't have to decide anything now either. But can think of those holiday moments as opportunities if it seems right. Thanks for the support.

[Midori in reply to teenytinyspider]

Absolutely no problem.

Cheers, Midori

[Hidden]

Hi, I'm going through this myself, only it's with 2 people, my sister and a good friend. They just dumped on me with no explanation. So I can't help but believe that it's me...... It really hurts and has been going on for a long time. I've reached out to my sister, but she just ignores me. I've done nothing to deserve this. I've just got to learn to leave them alone, but the hurt never stops because there's no explanation. She's my only family.

[teenytinyspider in reply to Hidden]

I'm so sorry you've gone through this. Don't get sucked into thinking you're to blame. I know it's hard and I hope that you can find ways to manage the hurt. We don't always get the family we want. And also can't endorse someone's silent treatment either. I'm getting a lot of clarity from the suggestions people have posted here. I hope you find it helpful too.

[san_ray70 in reply to Hidden]

My sister stopped talking to me after my mums funeral, five years ago, also none of my nieces or nephews have contacted me. The only ones in my immediate family are my brother and his wife. My sister has not spoken to him in 30 years. No real reason, just did not get on after she got married. I have always had a close relationship with my sister. I have tried to call her, no one answers or the phone gets put down.

[Hidden in reply to san_ray70]

I'm so sorry - that sounds really painful. Maybe it had to do with inheritance? I see these other siblings who are so close their whole lives, and their children, and I wish I had that kind of support. You'd think your sister would explain to someone why she's doing this. Maybe someday she'll realize how hurtful this is. I hope you have someone you can talk to about this. Writing here has been so helpful to me. Not a solution, but a help.....

[san_ray70 in reply to Hidden]

Nothing to do with our inheritance, my brother was the executor so that was ok.He had to go through my brother in law, We think my sister has a problem and she knows where I am, I am not holding my breath anyway.

[Hidden]

Yes, thank you for listening. Just reading your posts and others makes this problem not so large. We all need to take care of ourselves as best we can. I hope you feel better very soon. I decided I'm not contacting these two no matter what! Yay!

[Saraia]

When anyone pulls away it can be gut wrenchingly painful, but rarely does the gut wrencher understand the impact they are having on the other person.

Although difficult there are two things, from my understanding that you need to do.

1. Show her that she is not suffering alone. And that you are always there. Send her memes and messages every so often like on what’s app. Positive statements that are more generic than specific. So if she doesn’t reply, it doesn’t hurt you. If you have a mild problem, you can send it to her asking for advice. But it needs to be something that you won’t be hurt if she doesn’t reply as it is something you can actually handle yourself or through someone not connected to the 2 of you. But not something stupid so she feels you are taking the mick. Then she will feel needed. The feeling of someone needing us can sometimes pill us out of our own miasmas of depression and despair. She will feel that this relationship isn’t one sided that she isnt useless and just taking from you and unable to give back.

2. Open up your horizons to new friends and ventures. This will not only distract you from negative thoughts, but help you focus and you may find the support you need from another source. Which reduces the negative impact this is having on you.

Another option is to go radio silent on her for a bit until you strengthen yourself up. It may give her a chance to understand how you feel. But I don’t really like this option because it can suggest other emotions. In my opinion she is hurting so much that she can’t bring herself to reach out or talk as she feels guilty for making others sad or putting them out. Nor does she want to try anything in case the end result is something negative. She doesn’t want to feel like a burden. Focusing on hopes, dreams and a limitless forgiveness of just taking each moment as it comes and that it’s ok to not be ok, are what she needs. Remind her of the good times between you both.

Tell her that she is important. And she will always be, and she is in your heart forever.

Tell her that she is alive for a purpose, and that she is loved. And that her sending you a smiley emoji, although small, even if she doesn’t feel happy, will brighten your day and help you fight life’s battles. The emoji can be your symbol of resilience, hope, and courage.

The brave one isn’t the one who isn’t afraid. But the one who keeps striving even though they are petrified. Why?! Because they know that the right thing to do, is more important than anything else. And what begets goodness, except goodness?!

I hope you can strengthen your bond and hold each others hands. Like you used to.

Take care and be well.

X

[teenytinyspider in reply to Saraia]

Those are two difficult things to do and indeed take bravery. I am more in the place of having chosen #2 right now (the opening myself to new horizons parts). I think first and foremost, anyone going through this, myself included, has to be in a place of contentment and strength within themselves before being able to be there for others. I think that takes bravery too. Just to face your own weakness and work on growth. That has been a lifelong struggle for me that is now getting easier with therapy. As well as all the support and thoughts offered in this thread.

I do feel inspired by your words and am working on being in a place to be there for her in a way still I can't do right now. But, I appreciate your thoughftul explanation because it helps me picture another option i can choose from to have more peace with this. So thank u. I can tell you have such empathy and caring for people.

[Spud-u-Like1982]

I can relate to you, as all my life I've had 'friends' disappear on me and it hurts. It causes major feelings of rejection sensitivity. The few friends I do have are too wrapped up in their own little lives to give a damn about me - my closest friend didn't even remember my 7 year relationship had ended - that's how much I matter! I've grown to realise I've been on this world 42 years now and most of it I've been alone and lonely and it's just something I've grown accustomed too now.

My issue also extends to a romantic friendship, where she's been really busy with a big case - her first big case - at work and she's gone silent on me. She never asked me questions about myself, she never seemed to want to know more and she didn't really seem to give a damn. Only 3 dates in 3 months and although 2 of those dates were great, the 3rd wasn't and I struggled with her being very moody/grumpy and getting angry with people, which led to me getting grumpy with people. I couldn't sleep the night before as I was too excited about seeing her. I then realised that in those 3 dates she rarely smiled and was never excited about seeing me. We didn't share a kiss or a cuddle and for the duration of the dates she would make snide comments and put me down or insult the way I'd say things. I'd overshare and I ended up feeling like an idiot. We'd been talking for over 4 months and I just didn't know if she actually REALLY liked me, as she would constantly criticise me.

Anyway, it's nearly 2 weeks since I last received a message from her and a week since I last messaged her. I'm pretty gutted as all our values, morals and principles aligned and I was very much attracted to her. I did everything I could to make her like me and I put in an effort to look good for her. I came out of a 7 year relationship where I was treated basically the same way and my confidence and self-esteem is at rock bottom. Aside from my Parents I literally have no one and i'll continue to be completely alone and lonely. It seems to be the price I have to pay.

My health isn't great, so I doubt I have too many years ahead of me, but I really don't care, as I'm tired of this world, tired of fighting and tired of putting effort in to relationships where I get absolutely nothing in return.

All I want is companionship and to be loved, but that has been beyond my grasp for so long now that I forget what it's like to be romantically loved and needed and wanted.

[teenytinyspider in reply to Spud-u-Like1982]

People are usually focused on themselves more than others. That doesn't mean that you are any less worthy of love and friendship though. Especially when it doesn't workout with someone romantically. There are so many opportunities for love and connection in this world, please don't give up on that. You are still capable of love and loving someone. We all are. <3

[bethelbee]

I can totally relate! I'm sorry you're going through this. It's difficult and hurtful to be ghosted from what were supposed to be best friends. Before I go into my story I want to say you have done everything you can and IMO wouldn't reach out to her anymore. I am 69 and had a group of 4 of us that were friends since we were 13, one,F, has been living in CA for decades and during the pandemic I joined her congregation via Zoom services and made several other friends through them. The rabbi had pulled away from the brick and mortar synagogue and many went with her to start a separate congregation. I was going to fly out there from the east coast for their anniversary celebration and was excited to see my friend out there and meet the rabbi and others but started spiraling with anxiety and depression. My best friend here, J, heard I wasn't going and instead of directly asking me sent a group text asking why and said some very hurtful things. The text was only supposed to be for the other two, F and R, but she mistakenly sent it to me as well. I was hurt and livid. I called her right away but she didn't answer so I texted her saying she had no idea what I was going through., etc...She wrote back saying maybe we shouldn't talk for a while. She had previously been supportive when I was in a depression and hospitalized. I did eventually write her a letter telling her how much she hurt me and hoped to eventually hear from her, never did. I did contact her via a text when I found out her mom passed away; her mom had been like a second mom to me. She did write back saying she would be in touch...never heard back. It hurt for a while but a few years later I am over her..over a friendship of 50+ years .. I have since been ghosted by the other two friends...

[teenytinyspider in reply to bethelbee]

Thank you for your support with this. It's comforting. I'm sorry that you've also gone through it, and it sounds like it was really hard and painful for a while. You did what you could and reached out during the hard times in life. That's all you can do sometimes I guess.

[Hidden in reply to bethelbee]

This is so sad. I'm sorry you were hurt, I know what this feels like. Very devastating. I'm beginning to learn that the older we all get, the more often this happens. I can't explain why, since older people need their friends more than ever. I'm going through this with my sister, we've been very close for our whole life. She just started saying rude and cruel things, then ghosted me. She's going through a lot - but don't take it out on me!

[bethelbee in reply to Hidden]

I'm sorry you're going through it with your sister. Hopefully she'll come around. You're right, whatever she's going through no need to take it out on you. It is much harder being older and losing friends who one thought would be there for life, through good and bad. One of the others from our school days totally ghosted me for no reason and I've heard nothing from her for 2 years. The last one I hadn't talked to in a year and a half then out of the blue she messaged me sending an attachment about treatment resistant depression. I do have a long history and can no longer take meds but had great success with TMS, so I don't know why she sent me that. She knew I had other treatment . (She herself is on Zoloft.) She said she was distancing herself because of my negativity. I am not a negative person, never have been. Maybe I sounded that way the last time we spoke because I hadn't felt well in a while. Nothing like no support from someone who's supposed to be a close friend... Plus, she's the one who contacted ME. I was baffled. Anyway, life takes unexpected turns, some easier than others..Hope you can work things out with your sister. And thx for listening..

[Hidden in reply to bethelbee]

Hi, Is TMS shock treatments? I can't take meds any more, either. Your friend is confusing, you couldn't be too negative, because why contact you after a year and a half. when everyone's adjusted to the abandonment. None of us have the years to spare playing games like this, the clock is ticking, and we need to be with our friends and family and enjoying the rest of our lives. I'm real happy tonight, because a good friend from high school texted me today, and I thought she had dumped me as well. Different people have different response times, I guess, so I'll have to stop freaking out so quickly. Anyway, I've had shock treatments, but they were too scary to continue. Have you heard about Ketamine treatments? I'd like to try it. Let me know.....

[bethelbee in reply to Hidden]

I don't understand people, especially long term friends that are supposed to be there for life. It really is confusing why she bothered to contact me at all if she had no intention of continuing our friendship. I'm going to write her a letter, not wanting to be friends anymore(that ship has sailed), but just to let her know how I feel.. It's baffling. Glad to hear an old friend of yours is back in touch! That's great! Hope it's a friendship that continues.TMS is not ECT. It uses magnetic pulses that stimulate nerve cells in the brain to to help reduce/eliminate depressive symptoms. It is noninvasive, you are awake and in a comfortable reclining chair with the electromagnetic coil against your head. You feel a tapping against your skull; it can be annoying but each treatment is only about 20 minutes. A complete round of treatment is usually 5x/wk for 6-7 weeks. It's a big commitment but well worth it if it works. As with any treatment results vary. I've had 3 rounds, the positive results of the first two each lasted about 6 months and the 3rd is still working after over 2 years.

[Hidden in reply to bethelbee]

Well, that's really something - I've never heard of anything that actually works. I have heard of it; I think it's fairly new. You're lucky. I have to find a shrink who will subscribe this - not easy here, for some reason. I see a regular MD for Clonazepam, which is all I take. For sleeping; doesn't work well. Nothing else does.

[bethelbee in reply to Hidden]

TMS has been around for about 13 years and actually has a pretty good success rate. It varies by insurance , but in order to qualify you need to have had a few med trials and failures. Definitely look for a doc who could prescribe it and/or look up TMS clinics near you and talk to them. Some insurance doesn't cover it, some have a copay, others cover it completely. I was fortunate my Medicare totally covered it. It literally saved my life at one point. If I hadn't had it I may not be sitting here today. P.S. just looked at your profile, we're about the same age, I'm 69..

[Hidden in reply to bethelbee]

Great - I've had many med failures. I'll Google and see who's nearby. First, I've got to find a shrink, or maybe my MD could recommend it. We're right in the middle of the baby boom generation, so there's lots of us going through some stuff! I remember most families having 5+ kids. Glad I grew up then & not now.....too much technology and unsafe situations....

[Spud-u-Like1982 in reply to bethelbee]

That's really sad that after all those years they basically abandoned you. Some people are so thoughtless and horrible and immature too.

I witnessed actually bullying of a middle aged woman in my work by 4 other middle aged women. I complained about it and was shunned by the bullies because I took the side of the victim. This was a Government office and the manager just let it continue for a couple of years. It really got to me, as I had hoped to work with adults and not bullies.

It makes me laugh that we do all this diversity and inclusion training and anti-bullying and anti- harassing training, yet it is allowed to go completely unchallenged.

I was horrified that adult women could behave like that.

[Hidden in reply to Spud-u-Like1982]

That is truly horrible - I'm shaking in my boots just thinking about being any part of that! So how did it all end? There's nothing worse than psychological abuse; I'd rather be hit than to endure that cruelty. I've seen a lot of people who never mature beyond their high school years. Hard to know why....