Today I feel so abysmally low that words can't express it. I am writing just because I think it might be therapeutic. I found my Life Coach's email address yesterday (he had been hiding it) and also the fact that he once had a website that is now defunct. So, I sent him an email telling him how much he hurt me. I ran it through the Copilot Pro AI to check to make sure it wasn't threatening or anything. Copilot AI won't check or edit anything that contains insulting and negative content. The AI helped me to craft a letter than was sane but clear about all the evil this guy has done to me. I mean losing my Life Coach was as bad as having a psychologist dump me . . . I had opened up all my personal stuff to him. Just last Friday, he asked me to tell him all about my adoptive mother. Which I did. I told him extremely personal stuff.
Well, of course, he wrote back. Still being nasty and saying that he had warned me about this months ago! Warned me about what? I don't remember any warning. But my ex-coach, Omar Blaze (that's what I discovered he calls himself) wrote, "I refused to continue coaching because even this email is an attempt to make me feel guilty and give you an apology because you desire to feel like a victim while you empower yourself with assumptions and accusations." So, if I was so bad, why continue to work with me for another 5 months? Why send me a huge number of videos and other materials to study? Why do a special 4-hour workshop with me just this past Saturday?
Well, I was going to write him back and refute each one of his claims, but first I decided to ask (ai) if his medical condition could cause mental illness. And it said, most definitely yes. I asked it if organ-rejection drugs and all the other drugs he's on for his failed kidney transplant, as well as his weekly dialysis for over thirteen years, could cause psychological distress. It wrote, "Long-term dialysis can indeed have significant psychological effects. Many patients experience anxiety, depression, and other emotional challenges due to the demanding nature of the treatment and its impact on daily life. The stress of frequent treatments, dietary restrictions, and the physical toll can contribute to mental health issues." And then added, "Anti-Rejection Drugs: Anti-rejection medications, which are necessary after a transplant, can also have side effects that impact mental health. These drugs can cause mood swings, anxiety, depression, and other psychological symptoms. The combination of these medications and the stress of chronic illness can create a challenging mental health landscape."
So, I began to feel sorry for him, and I decided not to verbally attack him in a new email for hurting me so much. But today, I'm in a state of numbness. I've spent the whole day in bed, mostly sleeping or trying to sleep. I don't have a psychologist or therapist I can call. Part of the problem is that I live as an expat in a foreign country, and I don't speak the language well. It's very expensive to see a good therapist who is bilingual and I don't have that kind of money. I wish I could call a hotline, but hotlines are not what they used to be. I remember when they would never hang up on you until you were ready to end the call. But now, you're lucky if they give you 10 minutes. And even then they just go by some Cognitive Behavioral script, telling you to go for a walk, etc. Well, it's been raining out all day, and very cold. I have no desire to walk in the rain and cold. I don't have a bathtub to take a bath in. I've tried listening to music, but like I said, I'm numb. Not even music is cheering me up.
Today, I'm really bad. I don't have any thoughts of hurting myself or others, but I also don't have any hope or any desire to do anything. I feel just like a robot. My step-daughter and her mother (my ex-lover) are going away for the weekend, and so that's a shame because I see my step-daughter every Sunday and she always cheers me up, but this Sunday she'll still be away. I'm trembling with anxiety. I don't understand it, but when I feel intense depression, it often kicks in as a deep bodily anxiety.
Any ideas of how I can get myself out of this hell hole I'm in? Usually, a good movie or TV series, can get me through tough times, but I have no desire to binge watch a series, and I am so anxious I can't sit through a movie.
Thanks for any suggestions.
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SongofAmergin
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I'm sorry you are struggling. This is a complicated situation. Accepting that for whatever reason this coach closed the door on you and then trying to figure out where you go from here is bound to cause lots of stress and anxiety.
I wish I had an answer as to where you can turn for help. Do you have a medical doctor where you live? If so maybe you could get some guidance?
The medical diagnosis he has can certainly cause him to have his own personal issues. However you can't be sure if that's causing him to act the way he did with you. It is very thoughtful of you to think about his health, this shows you are a caring person.
I hope you can find something to keep you busy this weekend.
Thanks for your reply Dolphin14. Yes, it is true, I can never really know what caused him to behave in such an unprofessional and hurtful way. He knows that abandonment is my #1 fear in life.
I'm the kind of person who, if I believe someone is an expert in something, I will listen to what they say and try to put it into action, even if it seems a bit strange. I think I need to listen to my own intuition more and stop putting certain people on pedestals. Several times during the past 5 months I have felt that there was something "fishy" about his behavior and things he would say.
I also tend to be codependent. I would feel guilty for expressing my feelings to this Life Coach. I also felt guilty for doubting if he really was a qualified Dating & Relationship Life Coach.
People are telling me I don't need a Life Coach, that I can find a relationship on my own without the help of another person. But I also suffer from attachment issues, and narcissistic abuse syndrome from having been abused in relationships in the past. I don't expect you to have the answers, I just want to put this out there in case anyone has any ideas. I appreciate your writing to me.
Personally I don't like the idea of you looking toward AI to figure out your Life Coach personality change. It's like treating to self diagnosis yourself using a search engine.
It may be hard to contend with the fact that someone may have lied to you and fleeced you. Because yes, people do lie especially if it's to get money out of them. They will create sob stories. Because you don't really actually know this man. But he knows you though. They can work a con better if they know their mark well. Personality, things they been through to gain an upper hand. I've seen these "life coaches" hoodwink vulnerable people. They keep promising to help you out but that will happen when you buy the next session, book or workshop. They keep stretching it until you don't have anything to give.
Also part of healing is to accept that you will never get closure. You'll never know why he did this. I'm sorry about that. Because you sound like a caring person. You felt sympathy/empathy for this man even though he showed you none.
The only thing you can do is to sit with your feelings especially anxiety. It's uncomfortable but you need to get comfortable with it. That's how you can push through anxiety. Once you realize you are okay despite these sensations. You can go forward.
Usually when I'm sad I try to watch things that make me happy. Or listening to sad music that reflects my mood. I know that sounds counterintuitive. But it makes me feel better cause it can express what I feel musically.
Sometimes you just have to hurt. It won't last forever. This was really heartbreaking. The trust was broken and your heart is broken. You just have to grieve the loss of someone you thought you knew. With grief has no finish line. You can't hurry up and get through it. You have to grieve but you'll get better at coping with the pain. And you will noticed eventually the sky isn't as pale as it once was. Joy will come back. It doesn't last forever.
Thanks so much CL3VR-G1RL! I was able to eventually free myself from the clutches of depression at about 6:00 pm last night. Perhap I was not clear about paying this guy. He had weekly 1 hour sessions with me giving me homework. Sometimes he would stretch the hour to 2 hours. And he was teaching me for free! He never charged a cent. And sometimes I would write to him several times during the week between sessions, and he would always answer my long questions on Messenger. He explained that the workshop with this famous woman Life Coach was all virtual; I wouldn't have to fly to the USA and get an hotel, etc. But that still doesn't explain why he would suddenly blow his top and disappear! Although you are right that I will never understand his true motivation, it seems so strange that a man who taught me to always love the woman I'm with, and taught me to never argue with her, as well as all other people, should suddenly act so unprofessionally and against his basic life philosophy.
So, as far as using AI . . . it's a tool. I simply asked it if a person who is on dialysis for 13 years, and had a kidney transplant, may be predisposed to having emotional problems. Nowadays, with doctors under pressure to see their patients for 10 minutes or less, it is mandatory, imo, to do your due diligence and investigate the drugs you are being given. For example, I was given powerful drugs for cholesterol. When I researched them, I learned how dangerous they are.I did extensive internet searches to find an alternative to these two powerful drugs. And I got my cholesterol back to normal by taking Omega 3's and Cod Liver capsules.
I think the same applies in this situation with the Life Coach, to a large extent. I mean I've encountered numerous romance grifters on social media, but it's very rare that they will spend a half a year working the guy, unless there's a big pay-off waiting for them at the end. This Life Coach knows I have very little money. He's a very sick man, emotionally and physically, and maybe even culturally. I know he comes from one parent who was a Muslim from the middle-east, and the other parent was from India. I think he identifies as a black man, but I could tell he was confused about his identity. I truly believe that most of the time, he really cared about me. For example, once he sent me a $400 USD set of long videos, that are only sold by another Life Coach. He had used them to good effect in his own life, and he wanted to share them with me.
I sincerely believe that he wasn't after my money (since I don't have any), and that he cared about me. But I believe he has some deep problems he hasn't faced. He basically wanted me to shut-up and allow him to "teach" me. Well, I'm not the kind of guy who sits back and doesn't respond when he hears something off or strange. I speak up. And he didn't like this.
Glad to hear it 😊 That you are out of the depression funk. It happens from time to time.
Well that's all well and good to use a search engine to look up medication and their cause and effects on the body. But to find a motive as to why he would up and leave is somewhat of a problem cause you can easily fall down a rabbit as to why. Because an AI won't give you the personality of the person you were talking to for 5 months.
If that's the case that he just wanted to "Shut up- & let him teach you" doesn't sound very professional. And the "don't argue with others" is something else I find strange. Cause you will argue. Even now on why Life Coach isn't bad fella. Arguing isn't bad. It's just in the way you do it. For the most part people argue in the wrong way. They go for insults and yelling. Not actually expressing feelings.
Seems this life coach kind took your push back personally. Maybe he should rethink life coaching. Cause it's fine to question a method of thinking or you just have questions about whatever homework assignments he's given you. He could have chosen a better way to express his feelings. Instead of bottling and popping off at your refusing. A person can say no for whatever reason. And it just came out as this victim blaming unteachable thing which was very hurtful to you. And if I may add very uncalled for. As you have expressed to him you don't have a lot of resources and support to turn to. Which makes me feel very sad.
But I am happy to hear that you are doing a lot better than you were yesterday!
Yes, like his whole concept of never arguing with a woman in a relationship, I just couldn't accept. I agree that I could probably cut out at least 50% of the arguments I usually get into when I'm in a relationship. But I asked him directly, "What about those subjects that are profoundly important to my sense of right and wrong? When someone steps over the line in those matters, isn't it time I call them out on it?" I am referring to when I catch my significant other lying to me about something extremely important to me, and other things that damage the trust between me and another person. But he actually said that I can release all my anger in the bedroom! Now, I thought that answer also was abominable! The bedroom should be a place of love, fun, romance, and intimacy. Anger has no place in the bedroom. So, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut.
Ignore him. I doubt very much he is a properly registered Life Coach, I reckon he just wants money from you. Don't reply to him; let him worry for a change.
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