17 w/ anxiety and depression.

[Buhbs]

Hello. I just joined this site a couple hours ago and mustered up the courage to finally post.

So I am 17 years old and I have been having a really hard time, with dealing with my depression and anxiety. At times I feel so numb and I am unable to cry any longer. I have been bullied since pre k. ( sorry if this gets long but im gonna put everything out there, as I dont share my feelings ever). So, currently I am a senior in high school and am still bullied everyday. People would say I smell and would tell others(their friends) that I do. This caused me to ask my mother specifically to smell me. She would always say no. My father has a sensitive nose as well so he would've defonetely said if I did and he never does. This is what I believe triggered my anxiety for the first time ever starting my first year here in 9th grade. I believe it was the last straw for my mind if that makes sense? For my breaking point. I already have what they now call( resting bixch face) all my life. This would make people say im ugly, strangers say "smile,"or I just get dirty mean looks. Yet, you can still tell when im in a good mood and I won't look serious etc.. On the train and bus, I now would twitch in the face, at lunch my head may involuntarily jerk at times. I also seem to sweat alto more, but I dont know if I would say its hyperhydrosis yet. Now to top my bullying issue, i am a true introvert...top that with depression and anxiety and it just isn't a good mix. I used to cry every night in middle school and remember that time my mother found my suicide letter/note and I claimed it was a "story" I was writing. Or when I tried to climb out the window when I was younger.. Im not someone who expresses my feelings at all. I keep to myself and basically stay in my room all day. I no longer can concentrate well in school. My grades for as long as I can remmwber was always at least a grade point average of 82.00% t00i believe the highest in range was 88% Now I am in the low 70's, barely hanging on and im really disappointed in myself. I can't seem to shake it off. From anything as simple to losing my keys, or not being able to find my glasses, I get so overwhelmed and feel like a failure. Everything built up comes out like a rage and I may sit and cry, I may mess up my room in anger, or I may get so wrapped up in my thoughts and think suicide. Just earlier I literally banged my head twice almost without intentionally wanting to on the shower door;hoping to hurt myself. Then I grabbed a knife wanting to cut yo the palms of my hands just standing there a while, to then gaze upon anything that I could possibly hurt myself with. I dont believe I have the courage to actually kill myself but I know I have the potential after my one incident where I was to cut my leg with a scissor. Realization hit me and it really scared me. My parents dont know any of this as again I keep to myself. I've shared bits and pieces about my anxiety ,which mom said she gets angry when I dont look around the mall without her close by...it made me feel she doesn't care as much. This makes me a tad more reluctant to try and help her and anyone else understand. I kind of want to fight this as best I can on my own until I am old enough to be on my own and pursue therapy I guess on my own. Unless I can talk to my doctor without having my parents in the room with me(usually 1 or the other is) I won't be brave enough to tell them about it. The only one who knows is my boyfriend, who although wants me to tell him every time upset, I feel as if I am a burden.I dont want to possibly make him depressed or hate me, as I've read that one in a relationship can have affect on the other and any relationship. With that said, is there anything that I can do alone to help reduce my depression and anxiety. Maybe any strategies or techniques has learned that helps when solo and thank you for listening to my story.

[Hidden]

Hi as far as I aware you can visit the doctor on your own at your age and don't have to tell your parents if you don't want to. Ring up the doctors and check this out.

Do you have a school counsellor you can see?

Well done for coming in here and opening up to us, that's the first step and a very brave one too. Hang on in there as things will get better once you are being treated. You are still very young and you have your whole life ahead of you.

[Buhbs in reply to Hidden]

Thank you very much. Ill be sure yo when I can. My school counselors though are of no help. They downy really care about even the slightest problems and its very disappointing to know that. Half the time they may not even be available.

[irishmermaid]

Hey Buhbs-

So I am 16. I know exactly what you are going through. It is going to get much better soon! College is just around the corner. Go somewhere where nobody knows you. And although it is hard to overcome shyness, just try and push yourself to be who you want to be. I'm sure you don't smell. And you seem perfectly lovely. I am so sorry that people bully you. They should not. You will always have friends here. Please do not hurt yourself. I have for many years. I know how hard it is to stop. But it is not worth it. I've had my own roof experience. Please, just give it another 6 months. I promise it is going to get better soon. I will be thinking of you

[Buhbs in reply to irishmermaid]

thank you. I will do my best throughout the rest of the year and stay strong. It means alot coming from others my age too. I hope you have a good rest of the year

[Flea856]

I suffered from a lot of depression and anxiety throughout high school. I think my biggest mistake was keeping it in and not seeking out the help that is available. Sometimes it's scary to want to tell people the thoughts you are having or how your are feeling, but I promise that it's not as scary when you actually do it. Also maybe just asking your parents to wait in the waiting room so you can see the doctor on your own. You can always just tell them you want to build independence so they dont think anything about it. But I really feel medication could help you or just therapy. You need to reach out. Even to a school counselor.

[Buhbs in reply to Flea856]

Definitely agreed. I especially want to open up more and I hope and pray that one day, I will be able to break away from my demons and welcome in positivity, happiness etc.. I hate pills but I would love to rid myself of all this craziness.

[Flea856 in reply to Buhbs]

nobody enjoys taking medication. But if you can look at it this way, a diabetic has to take insulin in order to stay alive and healthy. Why would it be any different for someone suffering from a mental health disorder? We have a chemical imbalance that needs medication that keeps us healthy and alive. But therapy can also be a great medication. I remember fighting the fact y doctor wanted to put me on medication. But I found out as soon as it started helping that it wasn't that bad.

[Buhbs in reply to Flea856]

Yeah. I have no problem with that. If I have to take pills ill definetly will be happy to take them. It was just one incident where I swallowed a pill and it scratched my throat. So I now cut them in halves Like vitamins.😀 I hope you feel better, for whatever you are/ were going through.

[vishugurdasani]

Try to meet the doctor alone.don't delay

[vishugurdasani in reply to vishugurdasani]

Vishugurdasani

[Hidden]

Hello. You are really a strong young woman.

Been dealing with a lot for a long time.

Please talk to someone or call a crisis hotline if you feel like you're going to hurt yourself or others. I don't know where you are, so I don't know what ones to post. Call 911 as a last resort if you're in the US. The dispatcher will talk to you and get you to someone who can help.

I don't know if you live in the US, but in some states at your age, you may not be able to see the doctor on your own. Try to if you can but that may be difficult if you are paying with your parents family insurance plan.

If you do see your family doctor or general practitioner, be certain a nurse or another female staff person is in the room with you.

That is to protect yourself against any untoward actions by a doctor. You are very vulnerable right now. This is not to scare you, but to make you aware. No woman should be alone in a vulnerable state with a doctor.

I am so glad a woman of your age replied to you.

She is right on point and understands what is like now to be a teenager. Bullying is a serious problem in the US schools, and programs are being developed to address it. I regret there wasn't one for you.

Hang in, hold on, and look forward to the ride of your life!......a great future!