Haven't updated these days. Really tired of moving out of my accommodation.
My mom sucks the life out of me. I went to therapy, i was okay, i payed fucking 80bgn and came home and she ruined me. Everything she says is so triggering and gets upset i get triggered. Talks about her coworkers who have men and excursions and so. These things never mattered to me. I'm so tired. She blamed me for crying outside and calling grandpa. He said he wouldn't snitch. And he called me, i was just broken when he did. It's not my fault dad left. My therapist puts all his efforts into preparing me to find a job and move out and she says that if i find a job, we can move out to a 3-rooms appartment. She's just toxic for me. Tommorow i will go to the psychiatrist but i doubt anything will change. Just drugging myself till i can't walk. She's poison. And she gets upset even though i try to hide it she gets upset im poisoned. Without her i would be like 90% more normal
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Against_the_current
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Hi AtC!I haven't finished reading yet. I wanted to say something about the part I did read first. I stopped at "...and she ruined me'.
I understand you here because of my trauma. I would have a therapy appointment and be fine. Then something "in the real world" (outside of therapy) would trigger me and I'd get upset again. Not only would I get upset again, but I would think that all the progress I had made in therapy would go right down the toilet.
I don't know if it's because I'm older than you or what, but I've gotten better about not letting these setbacks "ruin" me. It's hard I know, but please try not to look at it as your mom ruining you. Instead, you can try looking at it as a temporary setback. A very temporary setback. Your mom triggers you, but does she ruin you? No, she doesn't. She doesn't have the power to do that.
She won't let me move out so idk if it's temporary. And that's all we talked about in therapy. It went in the toilet. Nor she will change. She will make me lose my sanity. Thank you for your understanding
I'm glad you're talking about this, then. It does sound complicated and like you're getting mixed messages.Try not to focus so much on what others want you to do. What do YOU want to do? Try not to focus on what others expect of you. What are YOUR expectations for yourself?
If we try and please everyone, we get nowhere because we are so confused. One of the things I've had to learn is to not care so much what others think and expect of me. It's me I need to please and not others. I'm the one I need to live with.
Your therapist is right. Not only that, but your mum cannot have so much power over you other than what you are allowing her to have. Your studies must have taught you about this. Imagine you had a client with these exact same problems - what would you be saying to them? Also - going to see your therapist and your psychiatrist are not the actual steps you need to take to grasp hold of your life as it should be. Helpful though these appointments might be, they are not worth the money if you don't take action. When are you going to do that?
I guess. She tried to keep me in. She spent so much time unpacking my stuff even when I told her no and keeps saying she will leave (which will make me take care of sis which i can't do) or that we will get a biggger appartment (we're struggling financially)
You are an adult. No-one should unpack your bags (if you can't hide them). As I'm sure you are aware, this is emotional blackmail. You could report this behaviour to whatever organisation would be able to help you (I don't know because you are not in the UK. Your little sister is not your responsibility either. There are many ways you could be helped if the right organisations get involved.
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Slowly losing faith again…
Tension headaches 
I'm desperate and that's pathetic 
Struggling with medication
i do not want to be a mom. 
