I'm so anxious. I need to vent.

[aaronm]

This is a venting session. I may ramble on here and not make much sense. Ill express true feelings but everyone must know I won't hurt myself. I wouldn't do that to my kids. The thoughts are intense though. The anxiety is worse. I'm so overwhelmed and I feel like I can't take it anymore. I hate these feelings and I wish I could make it end. There's only one way to do that and that's not an option. It just sucks so bad.

My father in law has been deemed unable to care for himself with a dementia diagnosis by the state of Massachusetts. His wife is being charged with physical abuse against an incapacitated person. Alcoholism (and probably depression/anxiety) has taken control of her life and she is unable to care for him let alone herself, though she is not incapacitated by dementia. Their deplorable living conditions are causing them to be evicted. They don't have anywhere to go. This has been an issue for a long time. Father in law can't drive anymore. He's now legally blind. Instead he's been found wandering around town in shorts and a t shirt in the very cold trying to walk to places (like a doctors appointment.) He gets lost and the police pick him up. Even though he's not supposed to drive he's been found at the waterfront park sleeping in his car after arguments with his wife and she kicks him out.

So early in the morning (Thursday) yesterday my wife and I drive 16 hours from West Virginia to Massachusetts. He was removed from his home by the state and she's not allowed to provide care for him. He waited for us at the hospital. We withdrew $13,000 (half) from his bank account. We went to the doctor and got his medical records and my wife was appointed health care surrogate. We picked up some things from his apartment that were not covered in feces. We looked for his car (unsuccessfully) and went to the DMV who said he does not have any vehicles registered to his name. No idea where the car might be.

Now we are taking him back home to West Virginia with us and we feel AWFUL! His wife calls constantly but we don't let her talk to him but once a day because then he gets upset and we have to deal with the aftermath. We strongly suggested she goes to treatment and then if she wants to move to West Virginia near us we will help her find a place and she can visit but made it very clear that we now have control where he is living. This is her husband but she absolutely did the man wrong.

End of rant. Thank you. I feel better.

[BonnieSue]

Wow! Aaron, I'm very sorry to hear about this news of yours. This is a huge problem situation and a difficult one to live with for you and your family, as you already know. I hope all goes as well as humanly possible and I'll keep you in my prayers for Heavenly help, also. I hate to hear how stressed you are, and I hope this, too, passes for you.

Hugs, Love, and Blessings...

[aaronm in reply to BonnieSue]

Poor old man! And his wife too even though she did him wrong. She is a sick (alcoholic) person. I really do feel bad for her. I just keep thinking I don't want to get old. In about 30 years maybe ill plan my own way out cuz to be in his shoes...ugh. I hate the thought of it.

[BonnieSue in reply to aaronm]

Aaron! Shame on you! That would devastate your wife and kids!!! Please rethink this idea and, hopefully, you'll see what I mean. It doesn't matter how old each kid is, you'll still be important to them and you being around will matter. If we suffer when old, so be it...it's just a stage and something we get through for their sake..."their" being our loved ones. AND...do you really think with all of your family that you'll be left at the mercy of the meanest, most selfish of them? And that the others would do nothing about that? C'mon, Aaron, forget that and live for today, loving your FIL as you want to be loved and cared for, and loving your kids and your wife, also. You've got this.

Hugs, Love, and Blessings...

[aaronm in reply to BonnieSue]

I wouldn't do it till my wife passed first. Maybe I wouldn't do it at all. In 30 years maybe it will be an accidental death before then. I am living for today but I think about demented shit like this daily. I can't help it. I've accepted the thoughts and lived with them. Its all good.

[6ixtyon1]

How sad--I so feel for you, both! Anytime aging, alcohol, physical abuse, etc., is involved, it won't be an easy workup...you both did the right and very, very hard thing! I think if you can keep your father-in-law away from his spouse, the better...but, oh, we are not usually trained for this sort of occurrence in life...school and parents cannot usually prepare you for surrogate caregiving.

Weird about the car...is there a geriatric specialist attorney that you could consult to find out if other important items are "missing?" I know, sometimes in these cases it might not even be worth it...on the other hand, if you find there are a lot of important papers, etc., that come up missing, some good advice might go a long way to finding out how you can find out where they are.

My late friend's spouse went through much the same; she came down with alzheimer's and Parkinson's and began to deteriorate very rapidly. At the same time, he came down with a rare form of mouth cancer. He had no choice but to put her in a facility that deals with alheimers and Parkinsons...she was a long time in forgiving him, but the poor man didn't even know if he was going to make it.

Sadly, she did pass and he survived, bless his heart. With your father-in-law not having his sight, maybe there is local help, or services that can reprieve you, now and again, with caring for him.

Bless you, both, for doing the only right thing!

[aaronm in reply to 6ixtyon1]

It certainly doesn't feel right. Feels more like we are kidnapping an elderly father who barely knows his own daughter. On the other hand there werent any other reasonable options so I guess this is the best we could do.

[Traveller85 in reply to aaronm]

It’s absolutely the right thing. He has dementia, he may not recognize the people in his life, that’s part of it. He still has to be cared for and obviously his wife can’t do it. The only other alternative is a nursing home. He clearly can’t care for himself. I hope she is willing to stop drinking, and then she can be more involved. Until then, this is the right thing.

[6ixtyon1 in reply to aaronm]

Sometimes, the best thing to do is the hardest...with so few options, no, you both didn't have a choice...maybe the silver lining in this cloud is that your daughter will get to know her father better...you are trying to make this part of your father-in-law's journey safer and easier. I give you both a strong thumbs-up & blessings that all will settle in...keep us posted, because we care!

[6ixtyon1 in reply to 6ixtyon1]

P.S. I'm not going to ding you about how you feel about aging, either...that is your decision to discover, once you have made that observation, yourself, after whatever you go through...a mile in someone else's shoes, after all...you sound to me like you have your feet on the ground, though. We'd hate to lose you, but when that moment arrives, I know that your decision won't have been made it lightly, but given all of the thought and love possible...

[aaronm in reply to 6ixtyon1]

I have thoughts of suicide daily. I can't help it. They come and go.

[6ixtyon1 in reply to aaronm]

I know it's no comfort for you, but I have friends who feel the same...even with good medication, it's still a struggle. And, who wouldn't feel anxious, after everything you've discussed? That is a very tall order for you to cope in your environment, even with loving help. I applaud you, so much, for hanging in there...and, only you know how you feel, because you are going through it. Here for you, if you want to talk--I'm slow, but I get here, eventually...blessings & my thoughts are with you and your loved-ones!

[aaronm in reply to 6ixtyon1]

Thank you!

[6ixtyon1 in reply to aaronm]

You bet~ :>)

[JEG325]

Sounds like you did the right thing, even though it feels wrong. Sorry about your stress and anxiety. Wish there was something I could do for you. But, bad as that may be, what you expressed to my beloved is not helpful either! Do you think your wife and family wanna lose you at anytime? Being a family man will always present huge challenges. You opted for that all the way back to when you got married. Your kids will want their father around as many years as possible. I mean how would you respond to me if I said that to you? You once told me you would come all the way to Ohio to stop me if I was hurting myself! I will find you, even 30 years from now if you try to do the same. My brother, you can count on that! Otherwise, I will pray for you and ask God to help you in everyway that he can. I will also wish all the blessings that he can bestow upon you too. I think about you often, whether or not, I talk to you or chat with you. Take care of yourself and your family. Okay?

[aaronm in reply to JEG325]

It's what I do. I have thoughts of suicide daily. I'd never do it.

[Traveller85]

You’re doing the right thing. It sounds rough and I’m sorry for that. you can’t help her if she doesn’t want to be helped. I hope you feel better. What types of things are you doing to combat the anxiety? This too shall pass.

[aaronm in reply to Traveller85]

Writing on here for one and talking to my wife. She understands and we are supporting each other. Its hard while travelling but I do a lot of quiet reflective time.