Tired

[1loser]

I'm a 54 yr old female. I've suffered childhood trauma, adolescent sexual abuse, quit school at 16 and started an adult life. Never loved by anyone so I went looking for love. Had bad experiences with men that didn't love me. Finally I met my husband at 20. He loved me too much. I ate it up for awhile bc nobody ever treated me that way b4. After marriage I realized he was a narcissist. Honeymoon was over. I've been taking care of my mother for the last 8 yrs. She's 84. Was in decent health till Jan she had multiple strokes. Had 1 more in Feb. She's not the same. I'm just sooo tired and overwhelmed mentally and physically. I've never been happy my whole life. I'm a loser and a quitter. I don't care about myself. I never have. I dont eat or groom myself. I just dont care. Nobody else does. My heart is dead. I dont have any friends. My 2 kids are grown and gone even though they live in the same area. They never visit or even call. I have 4 grand babies that I don't even know. Ive only see them occasionally. I found some purpose in life by taking care of my mother. She's declining and I can't do anything to fix her. I'm just tired. I want to quit. I have no strength bc I don't eat. I'm 115 lbs. I don't want to live anymore. I'm just done. I can't hurt myself so don't worry about that. I've tried b4. I'm stuck in a sad bad life. There's no way out. No fixing me. God doesn't care either. I feel like Satan gives me more attention than God does. He's here all day every day causing more pain. God is never here to help me. If he is here at all he's just watching and laughing at me crying and begging for help. I want this life to end. I don't belong here in this world.

[litethatnevergoesout]

it’s positive you take care of your mother.

[Downinil]

Hi1! Im saddened to read the self loathing in your post. You are not a loser. I could not bring myself to type it. You have come to the right place to reinvent your life though. We all care very much about each other on this site. You are in our virtual family now. Welcome! 🤗

[Dolphin14]

1loser

Welcome to the community

Your story is very sad. You sound very lovely.

Taking in the role of caring for your mom shows me you are not what you say you are. Caring for an aging parent is not easy and giving your time, heart and energy to your mom says a lot about you.

Do something nice for yourself today. It doesn't have to be a huge thing. Show yourself some love

🐬

[GiveMeChocolateCake]

Well, your life sounds a whole lot like mine.... I won't BS with you and say "I know how you feel" because I'm not you and I don't know you.... but I will say that leaving this world is not going to make you any happier. Find one thing every day to be thankful for... doesn't matter what it is. (I decided to be thankful for the little butterfly that perched itself on my kitchen window seal today). Just find one thing and focus on that thing. Don't let the hard days win.

[Dolphin14 in reply to GiveMeChocolateCake]

I would like to welcome you to the community. I see you joined years ago. It's nice you have stepped out into the forum

🐬

[blackcat64013]

Hi,I hear the exhaustion in your words.

By putting others first and ourselves last, we create a situation where we easily become exhausted, unwell and unable to give. We then pass our own feelings onto other people.

If we can put ourselves first and share top place with our loved ones, we are saying that our love❤ for others is strong 💪 and that we want to be able to really give by being in the best state of health, mentally and physically, as possible.

As Dolphin said, do something for yourself every day. 💜 🐈‍⬛

[Pitbullgirl]

So much of your story is familiar. Some days I am also exhausted with the struggle of living and wish it would end. Taking care of your aging mother is commendable and has given you purpose. However, watching her decline, you are forced to stare mortality in the face everyday. You are broken by what you can’t change and fearful of the oncoming loss and the loneliness it will bring. Please take a moment to appreciate yourself and all you’ve done: Raising children, fighting for a marriage even if it failed, caring for your mother, navigating in a world where education is revered and common sense is so rare? All these things are very difficult and many have thrown in the towel when confronted with much less. Yes, you made some choices that maybe weren’t the best, but you are where you are, and honestly, you should be proud of your strength and perseverance. I for one am thankful you are here. 🙂

[1loser]

Thanks everyone. I'll be back to vent more again. I appreciate your prayers. I know some went up. I don't feel as bad today. Thank yall

[Rockhound11-2]

🤍 your post inspired me to share this song with the group. I couldn't find the words to express the darkness consuming me. This song says it. I created a playlist of songs that were to be listened to as songs from self, to self. I don't know if this song will touch you like it did for me. The song is by Ruelle "Carry You" 🤍

[1loser]

Well...not a day goes by without everything going wrong. Yall only got a very short version of my wretchedness. Let me tell some more.

I'm still married to the narcissist. He won't work. I worked and paid the bills for 22 yrs. I quit in 2017. Tried to retire. But Nooooo. Tired of not having $ for anything so I have a job interview today. I guess I'll work nights bc I have to be here for Mama.

Got a new dog that pisses everywhere. Mama has cats that make messes like you wouldn't believe. They turn over anything and everything. Can't have nothing. Drinks in the floor. Trash bags tore open. On ur lap when you try to eat...etc

My yard is knee deep and rats have come into the house chewing the walls up. Chickens run loose scratching out everything including my flower beds. Not to mention the shit on our porches and everywhere they go. Watch where you step!

My house floors look like the dirty ground outside. I haven't swept or mopped in months. I don't care. Ever dish in the house is piled up on the sink and in the floor. I don't care. That's why my kids don't come over. We're not clean enough for the grand babies. I don't care about anything anymore. And yep......no more that it gets out of my mouth that I might feel a little better, more shit happend. It never ends till I die. I can't wait for that day to come