Tired..

[metalminded]

Hi all. I think this might be my first post on this page. I'm in a few other groups as well.

First off, I'm a 48 year old male. I've been married for 12 years and have an 8 year old son.

I was a virgin when I met my wife. We really connected when we first met, which was around 3 years before we were married. She really wanted children I didn't. We talked more and I did what I'm really good and and went along (said "yes" rather than "no"). We tried and couldn't get pregnant. I thought, to myself, YES! Soon after trying IV for about a year and stopping, we go pregnant. I was ok, I think, with it.

About 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease. I eventually went on dialysis and then received a transplant 5 years ago, only to find out a virus got to the kidney and damaged it. It still works, not great, but it has kept me off dialysis, which is great.

I went on treatment to get rid of the virus (still not totally gone) and eventually developed all these "cysts" on my face, chest, back, and genitals. I also developed hidradenitis suppurativa under my arms and some flair up in my groin. I apologize, but it's been a fucking ride.

I needed to have foot surgery last year and just had rotator cuff surgery in the beginning of February. OMG, probably the worst recovery every, and I basically just started!

In between that, my wife was laid off and decided she wanted a career change, which I totally support. She has been going to DeVry online.

My son has developed emotional/behavioral/separation anxiety.

My wife and I had an argument today. I'm sure I will lose on this, even here. I had asked if she could "pleasure" me. Sex probably won't work because of my arm and her weight. She knows I love when she's willing to "do" me. She rarely does anymore, nor do we have sex much anymore.

She always tells me that we have tomorrow, or another time, etc. I was off work for 3 weeks for my arm, and then got the stupid flu and had to be off this week until Thursday.

So there has been ample time for her to say "ok, screw it I'll give you what you want". But no, she's never in the mood.

So this has several effects on me. One, I'm not a great looking guy, and obviously I have a lot of health problems, but I do work full-time and usually have a decent amount of energy. So I'm not a total waste. Though I'm not all that well endowed, and please don't tell me every guy wants to be bigger because every guy that says that is likely bigger than me. Still, I think it works ok and does the job.

I have BDD, I used to see a psychologist about a lot of things and my "size" was high on my list.

Having said that, imagine when she keeps rejecting me and I think then she really doesn't like my body! She's had way bigger and like I said, I was a virgin, she had a good amount of partners.

So that's one point of the argument we had today.

The second I have been upset and disappointed that she had been out of work for well over a year now and our house is an absolute disaster. You can't eat at the fucking dinner table because it's full of crap she puts down and never puts away or throws away (along with our son). NO, I do NOT have anything there, I put my stuff away immediately. I have an office in the house which is messy, but I'm the only one who uses it.

I've enough time off between the 6 weeks for my foot last years and almost 4 weeks this year and am really upset that there is so much time she could be so productive in cleaning the house. I want to have our neighbors over or my son's friends, but we can't.

I know exactly what you're thinking, well, what am I doing, sitting on my ass? No, I'm working a full-time job have have done so every day since I was 15. The job I'm at now is only my THIRD job! I spent 3+ at my first, 19 years at my second, and now 11 at my third.

I enjoy working hard, and believe me, I don't mind at all doing any housework. I've done it all in this house.

Though I know I can be a jerk and asshole but have worked hard to support this family and frankly I'm tired and feel like I just want to die. I can't stand any of this anymore. I never in my wildest dreams imagined this life. I know no one does, but I'm talking about me and now.

I sometimes hope one of my health issues will allow me to die, I can't commit suicide because then my family doesn't get any life insurance, and no, I don't want to leave them with zero. I don't make a lot of money, but through work and my old credit union from my last job, they should be able to pay off the house, bills, and be ok.

I don't know what to do, how to feel, I'm at the end.

[AloneandScared]

Can you try to tell her how sad you are that you are unable to help out more with the house? Explain how you are struggling to recover and want so much to be able to socialize WITH HER. Tell her you want people to see what a great home you guys built together and what a great hostess she can be?Explain how it would be good for your son to spend time in your home with his friends.

My point is, I am a woman and your delivery would matter more to me than anything. If you can try and express what you want from her without making her feel like you don’t feel that she is doing enough it may make a difference. I don’t know you, your wife or your interactions. All I know is women NEED to feel heard and valued, this one does anyway. If you can try to acknowledge things she does well that you do appreciate before jumping in to telling her where you feel/see she is failing, she may listen. I wish you good luck either way with your health and your family. 😘

[metalminded in reply to AloneandScared]

Thank you for your reply.

I talked about both of these issues with my psychologist. I took her advice which is very similar to your advice.

My wife immediately goes on the defensive. Then she gets angry with me.

Another suggestion from my psychologist was to give her time to sort of grieve at the loss of her job. I completely understand and sympathize. It was unexpected and disappointing.

I gave all that and more.

I'm sure I could have done better, but after thinking about what I witnessed, I can't believe how she argues with me when I'm pointing out real examples.

[AloneandScared in reply to metalminded]

You are trying which is more than a lot of others would. It’s good you have a psychologist. I do too but she is 2700 miles away at the moment. It took guts for you to make that post and I was shocked that no one had replied. I’m new here and although I don’t navigate well online, I have seen many kind people trying to help others. Sometimes people are afraid to speak up if the subject matter is controversial. No one likes to be judged and I think some women probably held back even though they may have wanted to chime in.

We all get defensive (both men and women) when we feel like we are being judged and some of us have large egos. It’s not easy to both accept and ADMIT when you are wrong. Maybe you guys can do some couple’s counseling. Sometimes it’s easier to hear negative things from people other than your spouse. Good luck and hang in there!!!

[metalminded in reply to AloneandScared]

Thank you!

I'm wrong often. I'll admit it, I don't have an issue with that.

I agree, we do need couples counseling. Both of us have a lot to say and best to have an impartial person who can help bring us back where we need to be.

It felt good to let it all out. I honestly assumed that most replies would simply berate me.

[Hidden]

Strikes me you are an enduring character with some decent values. What's your spiritual life like ie faith?

[metalminded in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I try to be a pretty decent person, I'm not always. I hate things I've said.

My spiritual life is non-existent, I was raised Catholic, but my parents never practiced. I do pray, at times I've been convinced a higher power intervened. It's been a long time though and I won't say I've lost faith, but can't say that I have much.

I've been disappointed too many times.

[CatsHelpMe]

Is it possible that she's depressed after losing her job and that's why she's not interested in sex, and not taking care of the house and her health (you mentioned weight issue). Is she actively looking for another job?

About intimacy topic, I would talk to her and ask her directly why she's refusing you, telling how you feel every time she says no. If that doesn't work, then couple counseling may be the best choice.

About house topic, I understand your frustration... what does she do during the day? Does she realize that you don't like living in those conditions and that you feel ashamed of showing your home to other people? Or does she think that the house looks fine? Has she changed over the years?

I've only been married 3 years, but I suppose that after 12 years you take some things for granted and maybe speak less about your feelings. Maybe nice, long, sincere talks are what marriage needs to keep fire alive and go stronger.

Sorry for so many questions, I'm not the best for advice. I don't even know why I'm writing this... I don't have much experience

[metalminded in reply to CatsHelpMe]

Thank you for your response.

She lost her job over a year ago. She never tried very hard to find a job, never went on an interview.

A lot of this we have talked about. I have said many times how I feel terrible we can never have people over or my son has his friends.

We will likely end up in counseling, it would probably be good for her too.

I never really get much of a real excuse for our lack of intimacy. She tells me she's not in the mood, doesn't feel like it, she has a headache excuse (though she has sinus issues so that can be truthful). When I do tell her how I feel, she apologizes, but then does the same thing again.

That's ok, I'm happy to hear from anyone with any level of "experience".

[Madison10]

Hi

You have a lot on your plate. Think of all the positives in your life everyday especially your wife and child. You need to change your attitude about yourself, like I am trying to do. Do you have anyone to talk to?

All relationships have there ups and downs and periods of no sex. I know you probably don’t want to hear this but it’s not the size that matters, it’s how you use it. And yes we all want to be bigger. I have a major depression disorder and feel some of the things you do. We have to keep fighting. Everyone is fighting something. We tend to think we are the only ones. When you realize you are not alone, it might help. I try to keep working on myself because no one is going to help me. Sorry about your health issues. If you want to chat, I’m a good listener

[metalminded in reply to Madison10]

Thank you. I do try to work to improve my self image, and still have a long way to go. I have someone at work that I can confide in.