Why do I have to do what people want?

[vanessi]

Hello, I'm here again struggling with my anxiety. I left this app to try to focus on my "real life" but I have decided I'll come back and I'll tell you why

My mom and I were skyping my sister who lives in another country. I have been so depressed, still cos the breakup with my ex and my life in general. So I have plans for a short time and it's moving to another country couple of months to work, save money and then go somewhere else.

The problem started when she asked me if after my trip and when I save money I will move to Ireland where my ex lives. I said I don't know. She started getting mad and saying that I shouldn't go there, specially Cork City where he still lives, that I have to go to another place in Ireland. I got furious because

1. Why I have to ask for their permission if I wanna move to Ireland especially cork

2. My ex doesn't own the country nor the city.

3. If I wanna be my ex's neighbor I'll do it (it doesn't mean I will but that's my decision)

4. He is not the only man I have to date if I go there( it doesn't mean I will date him or be his friend, I mean he is not the only man who lives there)

5. I have a especial connection with the city, I feel I need to move there for a couple of months and then leave it behind

Why is that a problem then. She said sometimes I'm very depressed and I say I don't want to live anymore and she is so stressed I kill myself. But that's my problem. My life is completely mine. It might sound selfish but I do appreciate they worry about me but at the end of the day I'm the only who can decide.

It makes mad and I'm so tired to make everybody happy doing what they want. But no one wonder why do I want. It's my life, my decision.

I'm so so f*cking tired of being what they want me to be. Of saying what they want to hear, of acting in the way the want.

I talk to myself and I say "please leave me alone, I don't want their opinions like they were trying to handle my life" I want to recover, I want to be myself. If my decision is going to Ireland I will go, if it is not then it's ok

I'm so tired of fake people. I got mad at all my friends last weekend and I don't want to be around this people anymore. I'm not an object, I have feelings and if no one cares of my feelings and I have to care about myself and that's it making the decisions I know will make me happy

[writingforjoy]

I am sorry about your struggles. I wonder if others are just trying to love you the only way they know how. While you are able to make your own decisions, it seems to me they share out of concern. I do know how frustrating that can be when you don't want their opinions.

I know you are upset and frustrated. I am concerned if you are able to handle the environment with your sister, is there another action plan if you get there and it is too much anxiety for you?

Have you seen a professional for your depression and anxiety yet?

I am hearing you, and pray that you find peace and joy through your process of change.

Dealing with family dynamics can be stressful but I pray that you find comfort from them and not anger or anxiety.

I am happy to encourage and discuss this as you need.

Blessings

[vanessi in reply to writingforjoy]

Thank you for your reply. I know they are concerned and I appreciate they worry and try to look after me. But It makes me mad cos I feel I have to do what they want. And what about I want?

I saw a psychologist in the past but it didn't work

[writingforjoy in reply to vanessi]

I completely understand that frustration. Do they help support financially, where they feel they have a reason to have a say? I do understand you are wanting to stand on your own feet and strength and not let your ex dictate your steps in life.

Do you feel you would truly be moving to an area because you love it and not to be close to the ex or is there some truth in their fears? I am hoping to help the process, not judging in any way at all.

Is it possible to let go of the thoughts where you will go next, to not even be on the table and just enjoy the opportunity to explore the new place and just work on being the strongest you?

You have a right to be at peace and happy. I pray that for you. Complete peace and strength in the new opportunities ahead.

I think it is important to be open with your family and let them know that you feel threatened and hurt when they feel they need to tell you how to do everything.

Are you perhaps the younger sibling? I try not to but I tend to get protective of my youngest.

I believe God has a plan for your life, forgive me if you don't share the thought. But I just see a future full of hope and promise for you.

[Marshall64]

I get what you are saying. I think your mom is just concerned and is looking out for you. She probably doesn't want to see you get hurt again.

[vanessi in reply to Marshall64]

I can understand that I don't wanna be hurt again either but they think if once my ex and I back together I'll be hurt but what about if it's not my ex and it's another man I know in the future? Hurt is impossible to handle. Everybody can make you feel bad. The problem is me. I should be strong and don't pay attention so much to people. So I won't get hurt