What do I do with all my pent up anger? I feel extremely worthless, inadequate, a loser, frustrated that I screw up over and over and over again. I hate the way I am. I hate myself. I have no friends, no family, and now no wife. My wife is divorcing me. Am I really that unlovable?
I ask myself why God made me this way. I'm losing the love of my life. She was my first love. I've been married for 16 years. She says she never felt loved by me. I'm not the emotional, romantic type. I don't know what the problem is, but she says she never felt emotionally supported, that I was not emotionally available. And I'm such an idiot. I can't read the signs that she's throwing that she wants to be loved, to be embraced, talked to, all of it. I'm heartbroken, and at the same time, I get so angry at myself that I'm incapable of making her happy. I love her so much, and losing her stirs an anger and frustration so fierce I don't know what to do with it. Not towards her, but towards myself. I feel like taking a baseball bat to something and beating it until I can't anymore. What do I do? Does anyone suffer from this? How do you handle it?
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Dfnym
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You are certainly not alone. The situation is discouraging and miserable.
I do not feel that beating anything with a baseball bat will help. Sure you may get some temporary relief from the exertion but the problem does not go any where. Depending on the item you destroy it could potentially be a constant reminder of your misery. If your purpose is to destroy something you will not find true peace. Channel the rage into something productive like going to a golf driving range. Smash those golfballs as far as you can and hone a skill.
Your emotions are raw and it is understandable to want to destroy something but it will accomplish nothing in the long run.
I can relate to what you are experiencing to some degree but I am also still looking for my inner peace so I may not be very helpful in providing solutions. I can say that rage will not give you peace.
If you can spare the time, watch the karate kid movie with Jackie Chan.
wel u could be like some and not cry.....thats a good sign!!!! u love her ....go get her pall
stop!!!!!!!!!!ur in normal trauma!!! havng a career is devoted to her too.....u need marital counselong.....
many things is a languagte of love
women....love romance ....all the tme..
however not always possible with a guy trying to hold down his job
they can function in emotional love land all the time
men cant....we cant be in mad love and hold our job
most women dont know that
we are totally wired different and have to shut out the mad in love ness to go tow rok
they can do both...........
ur not a loser and all that...yes devistated yes ye yes...
go get cousneling if u can...take two...yes shes lonely and want afecdtionand love and romance and maybe u can rescheudule and goprettend to date her again....ok
but dont .....whatver..ye syoru in horrendoub pain
go court her if u can..thats what she loves......ok its a complicared life ..oik ok ok
I found doing just what you feel like doing helps, I get a sledge hammer and protective eyewear and go beat the crap out of some rocks. When I am pounding away I mentally visualize who or what I am angry about on the rocks and vent until I am spent emotionally. You can also do this with a plastic bat and beat pillows. Another good technique is to get some paper and just write out your anger stream-of-conscious wise, don't edit it or worry what it looks like and just let yourself vent it out on paper and flow. It's good to vent and release the anger constructively but then you might want to investigate what is really going on.
You might be dealing with childhood emotional neglect and intimacy issues that have impacted your ability to have emotional relationships. You might have grown up in a family where none of that was modeled for you, I know none of it was in my family. There is a lot of good information on youtube about childhood emotional neglect. You may also have low-self-esteem/self-worth issues that you will want to address since you seem to think this is all your fault and maybe some of it is hers. Have you guys tried couples therapy, has she been willing to help you with the intimacy issues?
I used to take the rugs out, put them over the washing like and beat seven bells out of them with a tennis racket! Great for frustration but you need a dustmask or you'll end up inhaling much of it!
I think your wife is divorcing you because she felt unsupported. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, but if one person is carrying the whole weight of the marriage, such as your wife, it's not balanced. Did you help with housework?
Did you do things together? Go out for meals, vacations, have joint interests? if not, then I feel you need a counsellor, to help you understand where you went wrong.
Especially if she is the love of your life, you need to show her that love, not take her for granted. It might not be too late to recover the situation.
I lift weights. Great way to channel anger and frustration, and if you do it consistently its good for your self esteem. As far as the wife goes, if its not too late, maybe write her a letter. It sounds stupid, but if you can't say how you feel to her face, write it down. At least she'll know. If you don't tell her, she might give up on you. But if she knows how you feel, maybe she'll see there's something there worth fighting for. Please forgive me if I misunderstood your post or overstepped with my advice. Best of luck to you both.
I'm really sorry you feel this way. As my therapist has sometimes said - you might be stuck in a shame cycle. Shaming yourself for behaviors or things you think you've done. You have to come from a place of self love to be a positive figure for others. I know its easier said than done. I struggle with self-doubt on a regular basis. I'm wishing you good luck and thinking of you in your trouble. You are going through a real struggle and you must be easy on yourself and those around you. Try to take a step back and write down some goals on paper if you can. It sounds cheesy. But it's helpful to have a plan. Good luck and reach out again any time.
When I am really angry, I cry. I take some time to cool down and then I really think about what made me angry. Years ago, I use to hold anger in and let it fester, but I don't do that anymore. Sometimes you just have to forgive and really talk to the person who made you angry or get help if the person you are angry with is yourself. I am not a person who gets angry very often. So, I really do not know what I would do if I had that kind of rage.
If when you are filled with anger, you want to hit something with a bat, you need to talk to someone about that. Anger is something that can consume you and I really hope you take the time to talk to someone and work on that.
Maybe talk to your wife and see if she would try marriage counseling. Maybe you can take a few nights a week and make them date nights. Nothing fancy, but really work on making her feel loved and wanted. With anything worthwhile you need to work on it and never stop working on it. But if she does not want to work on the marriage and just wants a divorce then you need to except it and move on. I know you love her a lot, but sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them move on.
Thank you all for your kind responses and for taking the time to respond. Still struggling. I was ok for a little bit but now, back in the same boat. I'm sorry that I have been away. I'm in a situation of a lot of uncertainty. I want to seek help. I need it desperately but I can't for at least a month and a half. Just want to say thank you again for all your support. For those of you who believe in God, please pray for me. For those who don't, please appeal to whatever forces you believe govern the universe. I don't know whether I believe in God or not. Sometimes I do, but then why does life suck so much? Why did he create such a loser such as me? I don't mean to burden any of you or be a victim. I just need to express my feelings. It helps a little. I will seek help but for the time being, I need to write it hear and I need people that understand me to hear me. I will be praying/appealing to the forces of the universe for all of you as well.
Hi that sounds like a really difficult situation to be in. I hope you are doing well now. As for anger, I also struggle with self critisim. Something that helps me is working on self compassion. I recommend a really good book which i read a few times and I think will completely change your life for the better if you read it and practice it daily. The book is called Self-compassion by Kristen kneff. You can get it for 4$ on ebay. It basically talks about speaking to ourselves kindly and realising we are not completely at fault for the way we are. For example, being emotionally unavailable is not your fault. It probably was a result of your childhood and life experiences that made you that way. All those things are out of your control. So dont be angry at yourself for it because you never chose to be this way. Instead have compassion for it and tell yourself that you feel bad that you are going through this difficulty but you will get better with patience and practice of new good habbits. Its very important how we speak to ourselves. 2 ppl can have the same flaws but they can look at it completely differently. 1 person can be angry that he has that flaw and make himself miserable and constantly scream at himself for it and 1 person can look at it kindly and reassure himself that even though its not his fault he is this way but he will do his best to get better at it because he wants to take care of himself. No matter your situation you are never doomed. With practice and patience and slowly practicing speaking and thinking kindly to yourself you will come to realize that you are not a failure and none of this is your fault and you can get better at learning about emotions and becoming better at being emotionally supportive . I suggest repeating a list of mantras about self love to yourself daily for 30 days. For example, say "I will no longer be angry at myself. none of this is my fault. We all go through difficult times. I will do my best to be kind to myself in these times and learn how to be more emotionally supportive. I am doing the best i can." It takes time but you will see yourself starting to feel better and your life circumstance will improve more than it ever has before. Once you learn to be kind to yourself instead of angry at yourself your life will change for the better. I also recommend the self love course by arial van de schoot on udemy.com its a free course. Best of luck! Im rooting for you! You will succeed! I belive in you!
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