You know when you think you're feeling better but you're just fooling yourself? That's me..

[Hollstein]

It's been awhile since I talked/wrote about how I'm feeling.. mostly because I hate talking about it because I'm always depressed and I feel like talking about it just makes people feel sadder.. I don't know, I don't want to bother, but I'm terrified.

I thought I was feeling better.. mostly because I was hiding behind my computer, reading, watching TV shows and playing games.. I always did that, just to forget about my life, which sucks.

I feel like I can't do anything right, like I'm a failure. I can't have a conversation cause I don't really want to talk anymore, I don't want to go out much because I hate getting out of my bed.. I can't be myself at home cause I'm not what my family expected and I can't even look in the mirror anymore cause I hate what I see. I'm so tired and sad, you can see it in my face.

I'm terrified cause I've had suicidal thoughts for the past few weeks and I feel like I'm gonna die alone inside my room.

[Txaps]

I'm right there with you. Just last week it had been two weeks since I left my house. I would usually spend the day upstairs in the bed reading. I will read two novels a day and that was all. My husband would bring me food in bed and thankfully I have a job where I can work from home sometimes. I knew that I had to stop this because it was time to go back to work. Start small by sitting in a different part of the house. Instead of the bedroom, chill in the living room. I also had start limiting how often I read. I would wake up and immediately start reading from sun up to sundown. While this is a stress relief for us it can impede. Now I only read a chapter or two a day if that. You are not a failure because in the same sense that would make me a failure and I damn sure am not a failure. I am glad that you are talking about your experience here since speaking to someone can be uncomfortable especially if they don't fully understand what you are going through. Also try putting your feelings to paper by journaling. Trust me it helps.

[Hollstein in reply to Txaps]

Thanks! I've been really stressed and there's a lot of things going on in my life, it's so overwhelming.. Yesterday my mother sent me a picture of some years ago, before my depression and she asked me if I remembered that girl.. That just killed me inside. My mother doesn't know about what I am going through, but she knows I'm not okay, and she keeps making me feel guilty about it all. I tried talking to her once, but she said she doesn't believe in depression.. she said it as if it was an alien. "Depression is the lack of God in your heart", Hell yeah, it must be that, I've just spent my entire childhood in a church for nothing, it's probably that.

Sorry for rambling.. but thanks for the advice. I tried to write more but everytime I write, I get sadder with my sadness.. But I will try to read only a chapter or two per day, I usually do exactly as you said, I wake up reading and sometimes I don't sleep because I spend the night reading too, I only didn't do that this week because I'm making my finals from college and it's probably the reason I'm freaking out. I've been trying to study but I spent my days procrastinating in bed, not even reading novels, cause if I read, I will like acknowledge my procrastination.. I don't know if it makes sense but yeah.. that's me.

[Txaps in reply to Hollstein]

Lol same! My mom just wants to pray for me. She also said when I first had a panic attack to (please don't get offended anyone that reads this. only people who are ignorant to mental health would say something like this) but my mom told me to not "catch that white woman disease" - referring to panic attack and anxiety. I was floored when my mom said that because mental health does not affect a particular race! Anyone can suffer from it...let me tell you that was the last time I discussed this with my mom. I too become depressed when I think of the person I used to be 1.5 years ago...fearless, carefree, and headstrong and now I look at myself and I get super depressed because I'm not that person anymore. My husband has told me recently that I am not the same person that I used to be. He told me that I used to go out all the time with my friends and now I barely leave the house unless absolutely necessary. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It's gonna take time and effort on both of our parts to be the person that we want to be. What books do you like reading by the way??

[Hollstein in reply to Txaps]

Wow, that's tough! But I get it and not offended lol. I wish I could be who I was but it's long gone, I'm just fighting to stay alive these days..

About book reading, I actually read fanfics lmao - my guilty not that guilty pleasure - I used to write too but these days I can't think of anything anymore. The book I've read were mostly classics from here(Brazil). It's really hard to get international books around here, what I could read from outside was like Harry Potter, Percy Jackson.. usually the best sellers and some poems book. I really like Sabrina Benaim, Neil Hilborn, Olivia Gatwood.. I love their poems!

[Txaps in reply to Hollstein]

That’s wonderful. I haven’t read a good fanfic in awhile. I tend to stick to horror and thriller books!

[Hollstein in reply to Txaps]

Nice!! Which books do you recommend? I can search around here

[Txaps in reply to Hollstein]

Oooo I will have to look through my books and decide. I will DM you with my recommendations.

[Hollstein in reply to Txaps]

Thanks! I'll be waiting

[mrmonk in reply to Hollstein]

I recently started listening to spoken word/slam performance poetry on YouTube, including the Button Poetry authors you mentioned -- they are extremely talented. And so many of them give voice to the experience of mental illness, abuse, and trauma.

You mentioned you play games; do you play PC games? I find open-world type of games offer the respite of escapism when I'm feeling down.

[Hollstein in reply to mrmonk]

I breath Button Poetry YouTube channel!! It's so good! I think that the way we can relate to them, it makes even more special. My most wanted book right now is Sabrina Benaim's book!

And yes, I play PC games, but my PC is really old, so I can't really play a lot of games. I stick to the basics, Counter Strike, League of Legends, MMORPG are always welcome and I used to play PUBG mobile. Do you have any recommendations?

[mrmonk in reply to Hollstein]

I've never really read spoken word poetry, but the performances I've heard on YouTube are just outstanding -- Patrick Roche's "Siri" poem, for instance, just floored me. And Hanif Willis-Abdurraqib is outstanding. I write poems quite different from what these gifted young people create, but there's so much to absorb there...I'm very curious to see how they animate on the page, so I may try to find an anthology of contemporary spoken word pieces to explore further. You'll have to let me know how the Sabrina Benaim book holds up sans performance. Have you read other books by Button Poetry authors?

I'm not a very good gamer, so I don't really play PvP sorts of games (unless it's a private match with friends who won't mock my ineptitude), but on the MMORPG front, I'm really enjoying The Elder Scrolls Online as a casual player. I'm a fan of open world/sandbox/survival type of games, especially those of the zombie apocalypse genre, like 7 Days to Die or State of Decay 2. In general, though, I enjoy most PvE games that can be played cooperatively. Do you have an account on Steam?

[Hollstein in reply to mrmonk]

I actually have only read a couple of poems, I don't have the book nor found it online, but it's really good and "the loneliest sweet potato" is my favorite poem ever!!!

I do have an Steam account, you can find me by looking for xlilpeeps, I'm the one from Brazil.

And really cool abt the "The Elder Scrolls Online", I've never played but I know it's really cool and I think that my pc probably doesn't attend to the minimal requirement, but one day maybe, when I get a better cpu! And I like zombie apocalypse genre too. I have "Left4Dead2" on Steam and I also played an old game called "No more room in hell", also on Steam.

[clayjars]

Hi, I hope you're feeling better. How did you spend the holiday? Do you celebrate Christmas?

[Kittygoblue]

You need knowledgeable help. Try NAMI support groups. See if there are any DBT classes nearby. You know better than to expect intelligent conversation from the people you mentioned.

This behavior is classic depression- you are not alone, all of us have been there. But you can't stop because of those people. Find people who understand! For free! Do not stay in bed! I did that for 14 months and have weak muscles and balance problems to show for it. NAMI is everywhere and free! See what else you can find! Get daylight for an hour outdoors every day. Do an hour of anything you are good at, every day! Eat well, only meat, veg and fruit (nothing man-made, because you may be allergic to an ingredient/s that caused inflammation and then depression). Don't keep trying what doesn't work, try different things.