When do things get better ?

[Kkf08]

I’m writing on here because I have absolutely nobody to talk to. I feel like I’m at the lowest place in my life.

I have been depressed for awhile, but when I was younger I was able to mask the pain even more, now in my later 20’s I seem to can’t handle anything thrown my way.

Truth is, I never really got help or closure from childhood, I was raped and my virginity was taken away by a family member. That family member is still around in my life, the reason I didn’t tell as a 12-15/16 year old girl was the embarrassment of it, and not wanting my family to go through shame. I would ignore the trauma and hurt and continued living my life.

I always had issues with men, never been in a serious relationship with a guy, always through the dating and talking stage, and I always felt that a man never thought I was good enough! They just wanted me for sex. I hardly have sex, and actually only would have sex to please the men.

I was having so many issues, I was not wanting to be around family, my family was a disaster , because of what happened to me, it tore the family apart and I wanted to be far away.

I would work and save up money and travel every chance I get, and I soon realized, traveling was therapeutic for me. At 25, I embarked in a new job field as a flight attendant! I loved it, being a new flight attendant I was broke as hell! But spent every free time I had going on vacation , and chose to be based far away from anyone, it was great!

Then same year after flight graduation, I was dating a guy in my new city , and Every time we had sex , we used condoms. But one night I remember being drunk with him, wearing condoms, call me naive and stupid, but I could not feel the difference of him taking the condom off, I was under the impression he wore it the whole time.

Few weeks went by, I felt weird and told him, he then blamed me and called me dirty and said it was me! I probably gave him something, so I got tested and I was clean! He was my only sex partner! And I shared the results with him, he apologized but I blocked him afterwards.

One day I was working a flight , and threw up all over myself, every smell made me sick, everything the motions made me sick, my own body odor made me sick, and being on the plane flying made me terribly sick, I threw up all on my uniform! I thought I had a terrible case of food poison. I rushed to the doctors , and she said it sounded like I was pregnant. I was telling her I knew for sure I wasn’t , because I always used protection. Well I took a test and 3 mins later i was pregnant. I broke down crying , because this wasn’t how I envisioned my first time pregnant, and I just started a new job, far from family , no help, and on top of that I had horrible sickness and couldn’t work without throwing up. Took and ultrasound, found out it was twins! I was devastated , I told the guy and he didn’t believe me! He blocked my number, blocked my friends number, blocked me on social media, and called me dirty and said it wasn’t his ! I was in this alone! I didn’t tell my mother. I went and had an abortion. I felt so guilty having it, literally less than 24 hours after having an abortion I worked and flew the next day, and worked ever since! Long hours 6 day weeks 1 day off. Traveling and working helped me with stress. Until 2018, I dated someone new , overseas, they acted like they liked me but really didn’t care , even put their hands on me one time, I was very suicidal at this time. I ended up pregnant again, and told him, this person once again did what the guy did in 2017 and blocked me. Now at 27, second time pregnant , also was at risk for miscarriage, and on top of that I was on anti depressants, which you can’t be on while pregnant.. I wasn’t eating, wasn’t getting out of bed, wasn’t doing anything, so I had another abortion. This time it was bad. 3 weeks later, it still showed I was pregnant , so I had to have another DNC, I had leftover conception. I was in pain, I had to get rushed to hospital, have dnc , and a laparoscopy surgery. I was bleeding for months. I was on the plane shooting out huge blood clots one time .I decided to take a medical leave of absence from work. My mother knew a psychologist , I was seeing the psychologist 45-50 mins every single week, and I was diagnosed with severe depression disorder , and anxiety. I was prescribed mood stabilizers, I was prescribed sleeping pills, I was prescribed anti depression meds. 3 pills, none of the pills worked, so we gave the pills a 4-6 week trial and none seemed to help at all, I was starting new medication every 4-6 weeks, I was so frustrated ! And the doctor didn’t release me to work, so I was off work for a long time, no money coming in, my short term disability check exhausted. I wasn’t able to pay for insurance anymore, the psychologist or meds. I explained to the doctor that I would rather do it the natural way, and I explained that getting back to work, and flying will help with my depression , as sitting at home in a family home where I was raped was not helping me overcome my depression. She released me back to work. My airline however said “due to my illness of the depression” they would need an airline doctor to make sure I’m ok to go back to work. Well the doctor already released me, and signed the paperwork and turned it in! I didn’t have $400 a week to afford to give the doctor to see them every week. And I felt my job alienated me because of my depression, and made me feel like I wasn’t a sound or safe person. I felt like they discriminated against me! I never got a schedule, and my job didn’t release me. On medical leave of absence , I wasn’t allowed to travel or use my flight benefits while on leave .(which I didn’t know.) I thought since I was released , surely it was ok to use them, and my job didn’t plan on releasing me! I became depressed worse than before I seen the psychiatrist , then before I wanted to comity suicide and before I cut myself . Being depressed , doesn’t mean you have no bills, and you have no life. I decided to use the flying benefits and traveled. Well 3 weeks ago I had a meeting with my job, and they were going to terminate me for using my benefits , so I resigned .

My life already had issues, I regret ever going to the psychologist to get help, I regret telling my job I wanted a leave of absence. Absolutely nobody cares about me. I tell men I have several issues I have to work out, and they act like they care, just to turn around a fuck.

Now that I left the job, I’m currently back at the family home I was raped at. I can not sleep at all, I’m writing this message at almost 1 am. I loved flying!

I also was dating someone new overseas, and was living overseas. I don’t know if the abortion messed me up last year, but after I had sex with him, I had a severe pain, I was hunched over , I felt like I was going to throw up, I was crying, I couldn’t pee/I couldn’t sit up straight, it was an intense pain, I was throwing up every where. I couldn’t even tell him, because I was too scared , so he was sound asleep. I went to the hospital 9 days later because the pain didn’t go away, and they told me I had ruptured ovarian cyst . I told him, and he was like you should’ve went to the hospital. He doesn’t know about the abortion, or my past and he’s always asking and I’m too scared to tell him, I have told guys before and they ended up doing me way worse . I feel I always have to deal with everything alone.

I’m currently so depressed, valentine’s just passed as well, no call or nothing from them. I never had a valentine’s in my life, or felt loved or wanted . When i was raped, and my virginity was taken, i was told , that it was because i was in trouble. I feel like sex always ends up getting me in trouble, even though i hardly have sex.

Now I’m currently back at the family home, because i put a leave out for my job at the airline, i have no way to escape or do anything , i didn’t get the help from the psychologists, and currently have no insurance because i left my job, so i can’t see a doctor, can’t see a psychologist , go to therapy or talk to anyone .I just keep thinking the world will be better without me. I keep seeing people comity suicide and it’s so tempting. I’m crying as I’m writing this.

Please don’t judge me for my abortions! And please don’t judge me for my decisions in men! I’m 28 years old, I’ve been ridiculed my whole life, I don’t need this at this time.

[Cured2020]

Hi Kkf08,

Please know that others care for you and that you’re never alone.

Although you’ve been through a lot, suicide is NOT the answer. You are a SURVIVOR! Never make a permanent decision based on a temporary circumstance! Brighter days are ahead for you....Don’t give up hope.

Also, if you’ve never accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and saviour, I strongly encourage you to do so & attend a church where you may be taught and further encouraged. Jesus is forever loving, merciful, & he doesn’t condemn us. (Read John 3:16-17)

[Kkf08 in reply to Cured2020]

Thank you Cured! For taking time out to respond.. I doubt people care, I’ve been telling people I’m depressed and they don’t even care, even explaining in details. Also, I’m more spiritual , than religious these days.... I was and used to be heavy into church, even was a Sunday school teacher. All the terrible stuff still happened throughout my life with Christ, and Every time I told someone who’s into church or biblical, they would not comfort me at all, but tell me suicide is a sin.

[Cured2020 in reply to Kkf08]

Hi Kkf08,

I CARE!!! And, I don’t think it’s an accident or a coincidence that I was awake at this early hour to read your post(s).

I don’t consider myself religious or super spiritual either. However, I am a believer in Jesus Christ. Also, I know that He loves us & He is merciful & desires only good things for us. There’s another force though (satan) that wants to destroy us, and he is behind much of the evil that occurs here on the earth. John 10:10 says (“in red”): “The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I am (Jesus) come that they might have life, and have it more abundantly.”

(Fyi-I sent you a pm earlier).

[Depresseddoglover in reply to Kkf08]

I'm so terribly sorry for your traumatic life experiences. Does your family know about the rape? Can you confide in anyone and get away from the rapist? You are deserving of so much more love, compassion and support from them! It sounds to me like you found work to be fulfilling. Can you look for other work that you enjoy to become financially independent again? Or look for work at another airline? Perhaps you can go to free support groups (for depression, anxiety or rape survivors) to get feedback and companionship from people with similar troubles, so that you don't feel so alone. Don't expect a man to 'save you' from your problems. Your ex partners sound despicable. Some people know how to specifically manipulate someone who is vulnerable. I would suggest that you work on feeling better before venturing into another relationship. Don't give up on therapy and medication - they can be helpful but it takes time to find the right fit. I believe in you! Do one thing each day that makes you more hopeful. Take care of yourself and continue looking for support. Posting on here can be a source of comfort. Anyone that cares about your wellbeing will not judge you for your abortions. Your body, your choice!

[Kkf08 in reply to Depresseddoglover]

Thank you.

Well I can’t get help because, I left my job, my insurance was with my job, no insurance seeing a therapist is between 100-300 usd a session, and psychologist is 455 usd a session, minus the meds they would prescribe.

Secondly , I’m currently applying to new airlines.

The hiring process for airlines takes months! And unfortunately , being a flight attendant is extensive training! We got to training for 6-8 weeks when hired , and it’s a “CJO”, meaning only promised the job after successful completion of training, which is 12 plus hour days 7 days a week, little sleep, tests , drills, safety , exams, studying.. 90% or above on all tests or kicked out.. so now it’s just looking for a new airline, going to 3-4 step interview process , then waiting to get the days for training classes( all and all takes about 4 plus months.)

It’s not as easy , or glamorous as we make it look.

Lastly, I’m not looking for male satisfaction , if just so happens that I meet these people, while traveling, start off as friends etc. for most of my life I’ve been single , and don’t really have sex, and haven’t really found a man to love me, not even my family.

Also I have told my family about it and they do know, my family is very dysfunctional , I can’t speak to them about certain issues.

My mother doesn’t know I was pregnant or had abortion, because she is pro- life, and doesn’t believe in abortions, we got in a heated discussion on it and it didn’t end well.

She also has her own issues, so I can’t really open up to her.

My sister doesn’t speak to me, she was also raped by same person.

Can’t really speak to family .

Can’t speak to “friends” even now tried to open up to the guy I was dating and he made me feel worse .

[Hidden in reply to Kkf08]

You’ve got to start somewhere. There seems to be many reasons you can’t, but I don’t see you state any reasons why you can.

Things will get better when you remove toxic people in your life, stop going to the people that are of no help what so ever. I’m hopeful that when you leave the very environment that caused you trauma will be an enormous help, and lastly forgive yourself.

Everything begins with you, if the airline business is an absolute must for a career, then you’ll have to get through the rigorous process, or you could find something different. You could test different waters as it relates to work opportunities.

I’m not relgious what so ever. In fact none of that ever helped me, what did is to start believing there is something better, also doing all I could to put my self in position of healing, relying on my self. Therapy can be something you work towards as you get financially able. Start looking for self help books to help you with healing, if your in the US, there may even be free social services that could help you find mental health services. Keep looking for things can help, it might be small but is something till you get on your feet.

I’ve got a long list of past trauma and experiences, everyone here has more or less, you are in good company here.

[Kkf08 in reply to Hidden]

Well.... I wish life was just that easy as you’re stating it is, wish I could just pick up and start somewhere .

Btw I already submitted resumes, and interviews for flight attendant jobs.

This was my way out , and only way to escape my traumas. The reason I mentioned family was because someone asked me if my family knew I was raped , etc and I answered yes , because it was my father who raped me. My father is still currently in my life , so how do I escape and run away from the trauma? Any other tips, because my pretty much separation from my family is the only way to go about this, and I was gone , and missed thanksgiving and Christmas of 2019 away from them for this reason . (Didn’t see them until 8 plus months.) because working as a flight attendant, I lived far from them(on purpose.) I was a 4 plus hour flight away from them. 1,200 miles from them. And I purposely chose not to see them, while I was trying to heal, and then my job wanted to ridicule me because of my depression, this is why this is so crushing to me! Because now I had no choice but to go back home once I put in the leave for work. I have no where else to go, I gave up my car to my brother, while I was flying , I never used it .(he totaled my car last year.)

[Hidden in reply to Kkf08]

I stated trying to find local mental health services in your area that offer free mental health services. Do you have 2-1-1 switchboard in your state? This is nationwide free service.

Start finding self help books, talk with others here that share similar experiences (keep looking for friends here).

I wish you the best.

[Hidden]

I was rapped too, at 18 in the Bahamas spring break. I am 68 years old now, never trusted men that they loved me too. In those days you never heard of people putting things in your drink. I was drinking coke, never liked booze. The guy I was dancing with must had his brother put something in my coke while dancing, all of a sudden felt weird, didn’t know what was happening, next day got up at 3 afternoon, no one cared why I was sleeping so long. Went to bathroom, realized I was raped. Abused all my life by my mother, while sibling and father watched on, did nothing. Now I have PTSD, which is god awful terrible, for 14 years alone in it.I know for sure my two grandchildren love me, but the rest of my own family doesn’t. You will find someone that cares. Please don’t do anything to hurt yourself, stay on here we will all be there for you. I don’t blame you for anything, sometimes life takes us to places we never thought it would, just keep fighting your way back!much ❤️

[Kkf08 in reply to Hidden]

Sorry that happened to you... hope you were able to get some peace and closure .

I have been drugged before , recently actually , it’s an awful feeling. Luckily , didn’t get raped again.

[Brooklyn11 in reply to Hidden]

With all of my heart, I hope you find more and more healing. I know such traumatic events don’t just go away, but I hope you find yourself further removed from the pain of what you went through. I’m proud of you for taking time to share encouragement with strangers and bravely talking about your own experience. Hugs to you ghi123

[Hidden in reply to Brooklyn11]

Thank you, I want to help other too. I know I’m not the only one suffering, hurting.❤️

[ColdestFlame]

I’m not at all qualified to try and help you, haven’t been raped, and am a male. One thing I can tell you though is a couple terrible decisions or horrible things life has thrown at you should never drive you to kill yourself.

You are valuable and loved by many people even if you have not met them yet. The people replying to your story and those who have tried messaging you are here for you.

I myself am not religious and have also dismissed religion when I needed it most. I have kept my mouth shut and watched others get affected from my decisions but in the end, the places these decisions have taken me is something I need to live with.

If you ever want to talk I’m more than willing to listen. We all have our issues and sometimes we just need a friend to listen.

[Kkf08 in reply to ColdestFlame]

Thank you for caring! I literally have no one to talk to and feel silly making a anonymous account to talk.

You’re a male, so you could give male insight.

[Brooklyn11]

Your life is so valuable. Even though your cruel circumstances would have you believe otherwise. What happened to you as a child is the sole fault of the offender. And it sickens me what happened and how it has impacted you throughout your life. With all of that trauma, you have found a way to survive. Now more than ever, survive. Don’t give up hope. You can have a better life, even though it seems so far away right now. Love yourself because you are worthy of love and a beautiful human being worthy of respect. It took vulnerability to share your story, even anonymously, and I’m proud of you for having the courage to do so. People in this world care about you, maybe not your immediate family, but there are people, myself included, who want to see you thrive and find healing. Every day keep fighting for your happiness and health. You’re worthy of fulfillment and healing, and allow yourself to believe that’s possible. May not feel like it right now, but please hold on. It seems impossible and feels overwhelming, which is entirely normal for everything you’ve been through and are going through, buuut you can make it through this to better days. Believe in that and yourself. Even if it feels so weird to say, even if you don’t mean it, start by intentionally saying every single day, the positives about yourself and the life you will have. And I hope one day soon, you will say these things and fully believe it. From there, distance yourself as much as your temporary housing situation allows, from those who bring you further form healing. Keep focusing on whatever it’s that’ll allow you to get back on your own, where you once were thriving. You’ve been through soooo much and my heart feels the burdens you’ve had to carry unfairly on your own, but just don’t ever convince yourself that nobody cares. We’ve never met and I’ll wake up tomorrow hoping that it’s a better day for you. Don’t give up hope on your life. You have so much life to happily live. Hugs