Professional help currently isn't available, hotlines don't work and I don't have family or friends. All I can do right now is wait for an opening and try to take care of myself but that feels impossible. I cried doing my hair yesterday, I fight back tears when I have to get out of bed, eating feels like a chore, and the process of cleaning my room never gets completed because I end up sitting on the floor halfway through.
If this was laziness, you'd think I'd be enjoying it. But it's not. I'm just exhausted in every way. Sometimes I don't have the energy to verbally respond when someone speaks to me and when I do, I go on autopilot.
There isn't anything that sounds tolerable right now. I've watched so many movies in the past 4 months because I've been depressed and it's very quickly gotten old. I feel so much disdain just sitting up in bed and I haven't touched a video game in months because it's so exhausting. Trying to do anything is frustrating and rightfully so. My brain is trying to tell me that something is wrong. It's screaming that it's depressed and lonely but I can't give it what it needs.
Talking to people online never works and my experiences have led me to not trust anyone even though I really want to. I don't want to waste my time catching a stranger up on how I feel only for them to get overwhelmed by me or say something insensitive. So for the most part, I've been alone and I am going to be alone for who knows how long.
I'm not looking for suggestions on what to do because I know there isn't anything I can do without wanting to cry. Distractions don't work. Mindfulness doesn't work. I don't even know what the point of this post is when it upsets me just to share things because I know I'm spending energy on something that won't help me in the long run. I'm forcing myself to talk and type at this point. I'm crying out from a place where almost no one will hear me and the ones that will, can't say much except, "Hang in there, it gets better. I care, you're loved" and even that feels like an insult.
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I have anxiety and depression and go between not caring and not being able to focus. I tried meditation but couldn't focus because of the anxiety. I tried yoga and it helped, didn't fix me but gave me a tool. I think because the movement makes me focus on my body position it allows me to do the breathing.
There is nothing much I can say to help because I've been there. I get how everything is absolutely pointless and there is no end in sight. I get stuck in that place often.
What I've started doing more often is forcing myself to move, even if I have no energy or desire or want... and it helps. The change of scenery and the motion change what you're thinking about. That's the momentum that gets me to a less shit place. It even makes me smile sometimes, and it even lets me find joy. So if you can only get out of bed today, it's enough. Try forcing yourself to stand up and walk into another room tomorrow. If you can only make it to the window today, that's absolutely fine. Make yourself go outside the day after tomorrow and look at the window from the other side. Even if it's only for a minute. Even if you want nothing but to cry. It makes me angry and it taxes me, but it's different, and for me those little differences create the momentum to get to a place, any place, better than where I was. Then I repeat and keep going.
I also have similar condition. I had a trauma recently, and I have been suffering since. I never got professional help but I moved in with my friends to get better and not be alone. I have been reading a lot on the internet from the people who had similar problems and got over it. I know some ways to get better. I am having a severe existential crisis or dpdr but It is getting a little bit better everyday. I can share my experience and tips with you. We can use other platforms for communication. If you feel alone, you can contact me anytime. I know how bad it is, and I am going through it. However there is hope and most people get better.
You are suffering from severe depression. I know because I’ve been there. You are obviously very intelligent . I know because you are aware of some of the things that might help.
I hope that you can soon get professional help . I am praying to Jesus for you also He can help because He is real. He is there just call out to Him. Living for Him makes all the difference. No I’m not religious at all. It’s about a relationship with a real person. He can be your friend and your family. He was for me because I didn’t have anyone either. Don’t give up the God of the Bible has a plan for you.
I want to believe you but I can't trust God anymore. All throughout my childhood I prayed every night thanking him for my pets, my food, my clothes, my life, and my existence. My father was the pastor at our church but at home he was a completely different person. I went to my mother about my father's bullying and she told me to pray so I did. But things got worse. Eventually, my parents came to a mutual divorce but things aren't better.
I've been depressed for most of my life. If God cared, I think he would've extended an olive branch by now. Every time I fought for help, it's fallen through and I've gotten traumatized to say the least. At the end of 2022, I was crying in bed, borderline screaming, and begging God to make it stop somehow. It didn't. Things continued to get worse until 2023 when I finally attempted. It still hasn't stopped. I talk to him sometimes but I can't trust him anymore.
I have been where you are many times in my life and am just coming out of a deep clinical depression with news meds and a new psychiatrist. I see a therapist once per week but she's moving away and I'm going to be forced to start all over with someone new. It's giving me great anxiety. I moved to a new town last March and it's been a year and I still don't have any friends. Luckily I'm old enough (61) to go to the senior center which is open every weekday and has lots of activities and meals so I get to be around people even though I don't feel like I fit in. I'm from up north (NH) and now living in the south where things are different and even the accent is hard to understand sometimes. I feel like a fish out of water. I wish I had just one friend that I could call who would come running that there isn't anyone. I've been reading all of Sheila Walsh's books and they are helping me to see that I'm not alone. If you like to read, I suggest her book Honestly. Excellent book. Also, if you are laying around binging watching, trying watching The Chosen for free. You can watch it on the internet watch.thechosen.tv/ or download their free app to your phone or tablet or it's available on ROKI and apple tv and Amazon Prime (free I think). My best advice is to turn on English subtitle so you can catch what they are saying because some of the English speakers don't do good middle eastern accents. A feel free to send me a private chat if you need to. I check in here in the mornings and evenings. I know the feeling about wanting to give up. I feel that way most days but I keep on going. Maybe we can do it together.
Are you in southern NH now or south U.S.? I could use a friend too, have lost the 2 most significant people in my life last year and also feel very disconnected. Also suffer from anxiety, it'd be good to have somebody who can relate.
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