When do you check into a hospital?

[comb]

I feel so alone with this. The people I have close to me don't really understand and I just wish I knew what I needed from them. I'm not depressed because I'm not volunteering enough, it's not because I don't have a super stong connection to my faith at the moment, it's not because I don't have the willpower to just "get over it." It's because I'm sick. I'm working through this.

It feels like at every turn I have someone trying to tell me I'm depressed because I'm not good enough. And then I start to believe it. But more than that, it just feels like it will never change. That's when I feel hopeless, self-destructive, and suicidal.

I'm just alone with my thoughts and it's so hard to get through the day. I may seem highly functional but every task and movement is like running a marathon.

This is so hard. I'm on medication and seeing doctors but the medication isn't helping yet.

Has anyone checked into a hospital before? When did you feel like that was the right thing to do? I feel suicidal more and more frequently.

[Cupcake5782]

Hello comb, I've never been hospitalized, but how long have you been on your meds? I know some of them can take a few weeks to get take effect.

[comb in reply to Cupcake5782]

I've been on them for about 5-6 weeks

[Loki1018]

Comb you need to really talk to your doctor about how your feeling you say it's not depression and it seems like it's a combination of bipolar/depression and there are episodes of mania when you highly functional and then the depression kicks in you may need a combo of meds. I'm kind of going through the same thing but am not suicidal but I did smash some plates with a hammer the other night at 2 am to try and relieve some pent up aggression, rage, and anxiety and a few other emotions and it did make me feel a lil better. The only victims were the plates and I haven't slept more then 2-3 hours a night for the past week or so. I also see a therapist and just let it all out to them.

[comb in reply to Loki1018]

I wonder... that's a good question if what I call "functioning" is a result of bipolar. I'll be sure to bring this up to my doctor

[Sandia]

I have been in the hospital once a few years back, I checked myself in because I couldn’t function at all. I could barely make it through the day and didn’t know how long I could hang on. It was like I was slipping away and I really needed help, more that what my doc was doing at the time. I was admitted for a week and felt better when I left and continued with outpatient help. I can’t tell you what to do but this is what I did. Good luck.

[comb in reply to Sandia]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm glad you felt better when you left.

[Sandia in reply to comb]

Comb, keep us posted on how you are doing and what you decide. Stay strong

[comb in reply to Sandia]

Thanks, Sandia. I have a psychiatrist evaluation on Thursday. My therapist called me last week to tell me I need to see a therapist twice a week and my doctor bumped my meds up another 10mg.

Making steps, but it feels like the hardest parts are the moments between doctor appointments. Yesterday I was incredibly low and suicidal. But my bf took me to dinner and that helped.

Hopefully today is easier.

[Loki1018 in reply to comb]

Definitely understand the in between the doctor and therapist. Sometimes I feel like I need more then just one visit a week or else I feel out of control and freaking out.

[Loki1018]

I wish I could have a therapist for everyday of the week so I don't exhausted the only one I have lol poor thing I probably would put her into depression if she had to deal with me on a constant.

[comb in reply to Loki1018]

Same haha. And working right now feels so impossible. Just sitting here feels terrible.

[Loki1018]

Yea lately I been feeling waking in through the doors taking my ID badge chuck it into my boss's face cause she is one of my triggers especially anger and telling her f**k you and this whole damn hospital, but then I remember I'm not rich and bills don't care about my depression, anxiety, or my bipolarness

[comb in reply to Loki1018]

I've had the same thought too! Something's gotta pay for all these copays. But wow I just want to not do it anymore

[comb]

Oh man, I just feel like such a monster. Such garbage. I see my coworkers and I feel like they're all so frustrated with me and how low I feel. I feel like I'm irritating my friends, my parents don't really say the right things, and I feel so detached from my boyfriend right now I just feel so shitty for being a mess.

[Loki1018]

Oh same here but you know what they're not dealing with what's going on with inside of me and if they care then they will ask what's going on that's how I see it. I just try to keep my cool cause I really can't loose my job that would be shitty for me but there's always unemployment lol and yeah my boyfriend gets the worst of the brunch of my issues but he understand cause he also has anxiety and ptsd so we are trying to work through it but I sat him down because although he knows what I'm going through it's different for everyone what and how it effects them plus he has 2 daughters and I been around a while now but he just got full custody of them and I knew that this could happen one day but now that day is here and I'm freaking out my anxiety is worse and it's overwhelming this new and very rapid change so I'm trying to deal with it and trying to help but at my pace it's hard but he tells me how much they look up to me and how much of a better role model I am to them and that's why he wants them to learn from me and my examples but still it's big shoes to fill and I'm just recently learning how to cope with my bipolar and today I finally feel as I'm out of my cloud of depression but now I'm in my high of my mania but don't know how that's going to last

[comb in reply to Loki1018]

Hi ktp! Wow that does sound like an overwhelming situation, although I am glad you feel like you're out of the depression cloud. I wish you and your new family unit the best, I think the best role models are the ones that know what challenge is. You're right about other people. They don't know what's going, I still have a job, so whatever!

[Loki1018]

I hope you feel a little better knowing your not going through this alone and that someone has very similar issues cause I do feel a little better talking to you knowing that I'm not they only monster out here lol and that you understand how I feel and what I'm going through

[comb in reply to Loki1018]

It feels so much better knowing I'm not alone. But tonight I did some yoga for the first time in a while and just feel better doing some self-care.

Keep in touch, okay??

[Loki1018]

Of course and yes I was told to try yoga but mostly for my back injury due to a car accident I had this past January not only 19 days into 2017 and that's how it my year started off

[comb in reply to Loki1018]

Ugh that's terrible. I like to do yoga at home (takes the pressure off since you can be home and comfy and cry alone). Maybe this video would help you. Adrienne is my favorite.

youtu.be/phuS5VLQy8c(Not working as expected?)

[Loki1018]

I will try it out thanks for the video but I want to try eventually to be around people without feeling anxious but this is a first step

[comb in reply to Loki1018]

Totally. Build up some basics then step into that class like a boss. 💪

[Loki1018]

Yeah just hopefully won't have my back lock up on me then I'm no boss lol I'll be like "and this is the throw your back out stance"

[comb in reply to Loki1018]

Hahahaha yes pls be careful

[comb]

Ugh I feel so worthless today. I'm just a burden. An inconvenience. Difficult and not complacent enough. Impatient. Frustrated. Angry. Sad. Confused. Want to give up. Everything I say is pointless and stupid.