Depression has been getting the better of me for a while now. I can't seem to shake it. Life is spiraling downward financially, professionally, with health, and relationships, as I just can't seem to find energy or motivation to do anything, let alone well. I feel disconnected and self isolated from everyone and everything in life. There is not hope, not things I look forward to. I have been so grateful for connection and encouragement it found from people here.
I have several appointments today for my daughter and myself including a therapy appointment for me. Unlike most times, I have no idea what I'm going to talk about or focus on because I don't have any plans really. I was just surviving, hating waking life, and wishing I could die.
I know it's depression (and life circumstances). I just don't know how to fix or improve any of it any more.
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Gandolfication
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Hi Gandolfication, I haven't seen you for a while.
I'm sorry you are going through this "black dog" time. All I can say really, is to be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack. Do what you have to do at work because there's a deadline within days and then take some time just to relax, sleep, get some entertainment, a change of scene - whatever you can do to get some input rather than output all the time.
You may have a tendency to become depressed but you have to remember that life can throw misery at you without any help from you!
I just got out of a therapy appointment. These are usually really good (My therapist is a badass at it and also probably my favorite former law professor). And I don't want to grade these, but this one was one of the more bracing and difficult ones and I'm just going to focus on the fact that she asked me (repeatedly) what do I need, when I feel like this, and I found myself at a loss to answer.
I went in to the session today with much less of a specific plan and no notes unlike usual, but still intending to pick up where I left off last session and tried to talk about toxic shame and a couple related... And she even prompted me with that at the beginning, but I just kind of found a way I guess to not bring it up again explicitly and talk around it about other things.
I always have answers (to a large extent as lawyers, we are trained to be the "answer man" as one preeminent former founding parent put it). I've put so much work in over the past 25 years of really my entire adult life. Trying to figure out how to improve and solve these mental health and behavioral problems and find some happiness.
Anyway, I'm not entirely sure what to make of it.
And then I read your answer above about giving myself "kindness", and like I really know this already, but I either couldn't or didn't say it, and it wasn't even conscious on my mind.
(I've read and digested and consumed so much expert content on self-compassion and kindness, and tried to learn to practice it on my own and with professionals).
I never know how to accept myself. It was taught to me in every way that absent perfection, I literally was worthless.
Like I don't want to speak it out loud that I still don't f****** know how to do it for myself.
It pisses me off that I struggle to even say it out loud in a therapy session with somebody I trust.
It just leaves me with a further reinforced feeling that something deepest level of the core of my identity is fundamentally flawed. And hoping that that is just one more mirage, and a symptom of the problem.
What to do about it? Try to connect with people like I do here and in my real life.
It seems really bizarre that these simple acts of self-care and connection really could be most of the answer that I'm looking for but struggle to do with consistency.
A challenging therapy session was probably what you needed. You couldn't answer some questions today, but your subconscious will be answering them, and eventually, they will surface.
So what DO you need when you feel like you felt today? Don't over think it - just say what comes up. It might be something silly, like a large breakfast, or - not so silly - a hug. I dunno - the questions are for you, but certainly, some self-care, and there are so many things you could do. You could go to the cinema, see a really good film - escapism.
Sorry the throw a cliche at you, but you did need reminding, as I think you realist. I don't know how someone can write whole books on the subject of self-care, when it means something different to each one of us.
Also, for each one of us, there is this awful feeling that we are flawed, and religion has something to say about that. But some of us feel that we are more flawed than our neighbours. Nearly all of us in any of the professions suffer from imposter syndrome, so you are not alone!
And who said anything about being consistent? The only thing you need to be consistent about is asking yourself whether you need something you're not getting, and if so, what it is. You have a duty to yourself to do this. Is life all about work? Is it all about solving problems? I think you know the answer, but HOW do you step back? Sometimes, I think it's the case of simply giving yourself permission to do what your non-work self needs to do. If you can't give yourself permission, would you like me to give you permission?
I'm going to bed now (I'm in the UK), so you have time to think while I take care of my need for sleep.
I am so sorry Gandolfication. I hope that your appointment goes well. I think that perhaps at this point a therapist will be great to tell you that it is okay to be struggling. It is okay if everything goes to crap. It is okay if we declare bankruptcy and lose our homes. It sucks, but it is okay and does not mean we are failures or are worthless. It means we have hard things, and even if they aren't hard for others they are still hard for us. I am sorry that things feel hopeless after you have worked so hard. We do care, we are rooting for you. ☮️
While your body is stuck, choose with your mind to get out and engage with people. Find people to talk to, volunteer somewhere. Enjoy walking and the scenery.
oh reading this breaks my heart my friend. I have felt the same way for 6 months. Lost my job last month because I could not even face the days. I went inpatient for help which made it worse and came home wanting to end my life.
I also deal with chronic pain. I’m older than you and have a lot of arthritis and fibromyalgia.
There’s one thing that has started to help but it took getting a new psychiatrist. I am dealing with so much anxiety from the depression because it does affect everything and everyone around us. She put me on clonipin for just 2 weeks because it’s addicting. It has helped calm my anxiety steadily throughout the days so I could think clearer. It’s allowed me to eat and build some strength back and I’m able to get out of bed and even leave house. She got me with a good psychologist and I’m seeing her twice a week.
I am on antidepressants but they were not helping with the anxiety. I must say, it seems to be saving me right now and giving me some hope.
Now, I see her next week and have to wean off of it so I’m praying the depression does not sink back in, but I mention this because you may want to see if an intervention like this could help break your downward spiral.
I have never been through such a horrible depression as this one and I’ve battled it all my life on and off.
Please feel free to chat with me privately as you wrote exactly how I’ve been journaling these last several months and it’s hard to find someone who can relate.
I been in same rut,high anxiety and avoid public encounters, I hope you get some relief soon,it's a terrible thing, I've had bipolar depression my whole life and social anxiety which is very rough..good luck at dr.
I went through a series of profound losses that sent me down to my absolute lowest point. I felt just like you. I did have a very good therapist and was on antidepressants but still prayed each day for my life to just end. Then my psychiatrist offered ketamine therapy. It made an immediate difference. I have also heard about new therapies utilizing MDMA and psilocybin. Maybe you can ask your provider if any of these therapies might work for you. I can say I feel like a different person now and am able to feel joy in my life again. Maybe you can too. ❤️🩹
I tried psilocybin and its much more powerful psychedelic cousin, DMT (specifically 5MEO Bufo toad extract) in essentially therapeutic settings. Good experiences but they've done nothing for my depression. Nor have antidepressants.
first off your not alone. I have dealt with depression since I was a child. I use to cry in my bed at night and pray to God please don’t take my mom and dad from me. Over the past 30 years I have been on all sorts of meds. Some worked but caused side effects and others didn’t. If you read your Bible you will see that people had depression way back. Look at Job and Joseph what they went thru. I don’t have the answers for you but I’ve been battling chronic pain and sickness for past couple years and I can’t even enjoy being with family much less myself for the pain I’m enduring. All I know is we all are here for a short while until we go to our eternal place. Don’t let the little things turn in to big worrisome things. Live today like there is no tomorrow. Tell your family you love them. Go help someone in need. That always has helped with my depression. I have prayed for God to end my life because of this severe pain I’m enduring but it’s not my decision it’s his. I just keep praying and hoping and leaning on my Lord for comfort. I love having a relationship with him. He’s my best friend and the only one I feel who truly understands me. I pray right now you can find comfort in your life and when life gets you down say here Jesus I can’t do this take this from me. You’ll be surprised what he can and will do for you if you just let him . Take care and God bless you
I had that kind of relationship with God as well growing up.
And then it vanished, and nothing I could do would make it real again.
And that has been very very hard.
And my family did respond like Job's friends, sure It was a result of something I was or wasn't doing right. (What else could it be?).
So after years of excoriating myself, beating myself up for something I must have been doing wrong (must be sin right?), I finally made the difficult decision to formally leave the faith. Everything about the experience feels like psychological torture... And indeed it is. A psychologist I like named Marlene Winnell talks about this in her book leaving the fold where she had pretty much the same experience as have many many others.
I'm glad you still have that relationship. I would never ever want to be a stumbling block to someone else's Faith relationship.
I know I truly pursued it with all my might and heart and mind and soul. Maybe that was God's will for some reason. Who are humans to dictate these things.
I’m truly sorry for what you are going thru right now. I’m not one of these holy roller people who try and push there religious beliefs on anyone. I feel like the closer I get to God the more the devil is after me because he is. He doesn’t need the ones that are continually living in sin he’s after the ones that are turning away from it or at least trying to turn away. He will do everything in his power to kill steal and destroy your life. I believe there is a heaven and there is a hell. When we die we will end up in one of those. I pray for my family every day that they get saved. I’m not pushing my beliefs on you I’m just sharing how I feel. I’ve had a really hard time coping with life wanting to end it over and over from the pain. But I’ve realized if you put God first he will acknowledge and give me peace, which he has , some. I’m a burden to my fsmil they don’t want to hear me crying any more so I cry out to the God almighty and when I come in his presence I cry at times , I scream at times but he always listens and gets me thru the day. I love him so much especially for the torment he went thru for me. I am praying for you to have peace in your life and I don’t know you but I love you and I hope you would give Jesus another try. He loves you so much. He loves us as we are. Hope you start having a happy and healthy life. I’m glad we got to talk and just know you are not alone in your situation. Just take one day at a time ❤️🙏
I'm glad for you. That you find solace, comfort and strength in faith and religion.
I always did. Then as life with depression unraveled, and I did keep crying out and seeking him in every way, it became a repeated exercise in self flagellation. I had to ask how much is enough. Prostrating myself, 100 times? 1,000? For the rest of my life?. And what did it mean that he listened, if I NEVER again felt, senaesd or benefitted from it?
It was just.an added later of added punishment I didn't need.
I'm not making any commentary on anyone else's faith or spiritual relationships. It's been an excruciating journey. I just don't want to think or feel anymore like I need to feel that something is wrong with me or I'm doing something wrong.
I know how you feel Gandolfication. I wish I was never born. I have major depression, been depressed all of my life. Everyday is so hard dealing with this emotional roller coaster. I don’t want to live some days.
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