Husbands depression, adha, has ruined early Christmas with family

Hi, this is my first post, sorry for the brain dump but I just needed to see if anyone can relate, offer advice or just support.My husband has clinical depression and adhd. He's been taking antidepressants for 4 years, medical cannabis for 1-2year and adhd medicine for around 1 year. We've been married for 8 years, together for 12.

This weekend we are having an early Christmas with my family, we are spending Christmas day with his. My family live far away, so we have travelled to see them. I've been looking forward to this and everything was going great until we went out for lunch today. A family member said something that my husband didn't like. I could tell his mood flipped. From a fun day, it's turned into a day of me faking happiness around my family. When I really wanted to cry.

After the lunch, he's been in the bedroom all day. He hasn't come out for food or drink. He wouldn't come out to play the games I brought or open the presents my family got for him.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened but it's the first time when we have been with my family. I've been holding back tears all day because I don't want to ruin the day for my family but now I'm on my own I'm crying.

I've been seeing a therapist for over a year now because his depression meant he quit his job and I was under a lot of stress to pay rent, bills, food. My therapist often asks me if I think of ending the relationship. Times like this I do, I'm in a constant state of checking his mood, making sure he's happy so that I know it will be a good time. I just don't know if I can life like this for the rest of my life.

[Hidden]

He is trying by having all that medicine but you need to communicate with him more and get him to open up more - in order to get through the situation. You have every right to feel frustrated, hurt and angry. You could have better relationship and with your family - if only he wants it. Please seek counselling for both of you. And if you've put in all your worth and he has not attempted by all means you have right to walk away but talk first and see if this can be sorted out.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the reply. I've suggested counselling to him but he doesn't want to talk to someone. I've even offered to pay.I do get scared to talk to him, because in his low moods there is no point talking to him and when he's not low I don't want to ruin the happy times of our life.

[Swilly97]

I'm sorry to read about your struggle. Sounds like your walking on eggshells. It's difficult. There's a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells that's good. It's mostly addressing BPD but maybe it could help you a bit. You can borrow it from the library, either physically or virtually. Just thought of it while reading your post.

I've been through something similar. He seems to just need to come to the realization of what he's doing to you. It's difficult to reach people in that situation. If you can, lean on your family. Will he get anymore help? If he's willing, it would assist you. Hang in there.

Huggggggggg

[Hidden in reply to Swilly97]

Thank you for the book suggestion, I will definitely look into getting a copy 😊

I haven't told my family anything about his mental health because I don't feel like it's my place to tell them but I think I do because I need that support.

I don't think he'll get anymore help, he just seems to want to medicate and doesn't believe talking to anyone will help.

[Swilly97 in reply to Hidden]

Oh boy. I understand. I don't like to talk to my family about my specific struggle with mental illness. Like, they know but, not in detail. They help sometimes. Maybe you can open up just a little bit. That's basically what I did.

Having support in times like that helps imo ya know? Even just being here is helpful so if that's all you can do, it's ok.

Hug

[catsrock in reply to Swilly97]

The book is great! Really helped me understand a family member.

[Agora1]

Hi ColdTurtle, I'm sorry for what you are going through. Please remember that your

husband does have an illness and wouldn't act this way if he didn't. We cannot get another

to receive help if they don't want to. Even with the medications he is on, his sensitivity is

still high. Saying the wrong thing can cause him to withdraw,

I think it might help your emotional state if you did tell your family. Right now, you need

all the support and understanding that you can get in making it through the holidays.

Accept what you can change, change what you can and have the wisdom to know the

difference. I wish you well. Know that we are here 24/7 to help you through this

difficult period. Try to focus on enjoyment with your family. xx

[DodgeDhanda]

Hi CT.

I'm so sorry that the situation got as bad as it did & I hope U also realise ur a strong person as from the start all the way to now U've been there supporting him when many others would've walked away.

As others have said communication is the key to it all for all , as in U & hubby & U & ur family & in general too.

However any changes ur husband needs to make need to come from him & him alone & only thing U can do is support him. I've read U've tried to encourage him to talk to a professional & currently he is not wanting to do that sadly.

Now U need to communicate to ur hubby how his actions or inactions are affecting U & I would say its totally unfair that ur mental wellbeing is taking a battering by him.

( to me that's worse than physical violence against the person U claim to love ) .

So a suggestion & U've already tried to get him to talk to someone but have U communicated to him how it makes U feel & the affect things have on U as well.

I do hope it will only take one time for him to realise if U tell him exactly how it affects U , for him to agree to get help for himself.

I believe ur the only one working & that brings enough stress on its own & ok he isn't able to work but maybe he can do things that help him into a better state of mind.

I apologise if I'm overstepping the mark but I know none of us change unless we want to & in the mean time U do what U need to do to protect ur mental wellbeing & don't feel selfish about it or guilty as U have a duty to urself too.

I was married & when I became very ill it was then that me & my daughters found out their mother didn't want or care about us & left. My girls were 7 & 11 at the time & I had to move into survival mode & raise my girls, work & cook & get my girls to help me they're now 30 & 25 & in this last 12 months I was able or bothered to put my mental wellbeing 1st & I took a course where it was how to understand emotions & how to deal with them & from all of us on this course we all realised that childhood trauma was at the root of how we were most of our adult lives.

I do say be there for urself first as if we don't take care of ourselves mentally then we are unable to take care of others mentally too.

It's not selfish or bad for U to put ur mental health first either & that's the main part of U that's taking the battering & I will ask the universe to help U by helping ur hubby realise that he needs to take responsibility for his own health.

Lastly

I wish U love & light on ur journey.

[Hidden in reply to DodgeDhanda]

Thank you so much for your reply DodgeDhanda. It is just what I needed to read as I've just had a long silent car ride with my husband and did try to communicate with him. It didn't go well but I feel better that I was able to say everything I needed to. And his mood isn't any worse.

My husband is back to working now which is great for relieving the money stress but I do worry that in his low states he will quit his job again without warning.

Thank you for sharing with me some of your story. I'm sorry that you and your daughters went through that. I do believe that the verbal abuse my husband received from his father at a young age is why he reacts the way he does.

Thank you again for your reply, it really did help me. Love and light to you too

[DodgeDhanda in reply to Hidden]

Hi CT.

I'm glad that my words were of some help & also that ur hubby is working again too .

Hopefully he is enjoying his work & he starts to communicate far better than he has been & I hope he starts to make positive changes & that U both soar as one.

Lastly

I wish U love & light on ur journey.

[Pinkgirl12]

sounds like to me you are Wonder Woman. All these years your trying to walk around egg shells around him but the hardest part is you love him. When it’s good it’s really good but when it’s bad it’s bad right? Sometimes when we love someone we forget to love ourselves and we forget who we once was. It’s like us being validated don’t matter but your partners feelings does? You suffer in silence when your not happy but when he’s not happy he makes sure the world knows, and who has to deal with it you? To be happy you have to be strong and bring good vibes into a relationship otherwise do you see anything changing in 5 or 10 years time? if it’s like this now what will it be like in the future you will be depressed yourself so you gotta make your partner understand how it makes you feel and how it’s affecting you and from then on if he doesn’t change you will be trapped and you really will forget you were once that woman who did not tolerate certain things and remember this isn’t the girl who grew up wanting dreams. To tolerate and live with this time of mental health you should be seen the same and respected the same if they love you, not to make you feel bad every time. You have feelings and your human too. Don’t forget that wonder woman (: