I ruined Christmas

[hitbyasegway]

Today I woke up feeling wonderful. I opened gifts and I was so happy. Then I went back to my room and it was like a dark cloud took over. My boyfriend and I have been struggling for the past month and all of that anxiety and anger came out and I said awfully harsh things. That led to two back to back panic attacks. Took klonopin to try to calm me down (it normally works) and it didnt this time. I spiraled. I wanted to die. My parents went to church and I was home alone. I wanted to die but I didn't want to be the one that does the killing. Does that make sense? Like I hope sometimes I die from some weird undiscovered disease or that I just peacefully go in my sleep. But no one was around me so I called my boyfriend, who I was just awful to, to come help me. He did. He tried so hard to help. Nothing was working. He started to cry when he saw just how out of control I was (he has seen my minor attacks but this was the first hysterical, scary one he's witnessed). Him crying upset me more. How could I be so out of control that I hurt him? My dad came home and tried to help and I screamed at him. I screamed and verbally attacked my boyfriend. My mom then came and tried to help and I screamed at her. My boyfriend wouldn't leave and I kept yelling at him. I called him so many names and I'm so ashamed of myself. I began to hit myself with a screwdriver to bruise my upper arm. I took more klonopin than needed. I drove around and decided I didn't want to go back in my house. I set up a little bed in the back of my car and I'm going to stay here for the night. But I ruined Christmas. My boyfriend is worried sick. My mom is as well and so is my dad. But because I couldn't make it to the family dinner, I guess some things happened after discussing me and my mental health. Which breaks my heart because this is my grandmas last Christmas. She has been given five more months to live. I feel like shit for not seeing her. I gave her a call and she understood. We talked for a while and she's not upset with me at all. I'm going to take her out for lunch maybe tomorrow to make up for it. I feel so bad I wasn't there for her. I also think my boyfriends family thinks I'm crazy now. My head is pounding. I haven't eaten all day. This has been the worst day of my life. I have never had a day that was legitimately non stop panic attacks. I knew they were exhausting but I didn't realize just how exhausting

[Browneyes921]

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a rough and heartbreaking day. I have no advice, but I wanted you to know I’m here. It’s so hard when we lose control of ourselves. Please try to forgive yourself so you can move forward. Sending you lots of positive vibes.

[itakenaps]

Are you seeing a mental health professional?

[AntiSocialSocialClub]

I suggest doing self care.

[JLoInCali12]

I'm sorry you had such a difficult day. I think Browneyes921's message says it best - please try to be gentle with yourself. If you can/ when you can please give an update so we know you're ok.

[hitbyasegway]

Hi everyone thank you for responding. I am okay. Well safe and unharmed at least. It was just a very difficult day. Thank you all for kind words

[bbowers4311]

Klonopin always made me more jumpy and I thought it was helping but it really made things worse