So yesterday was the exam. Took it with A, prof even said my paper was best, saw friends, was ecstatic, went to the club because apparently we don't have a prom or anything. But the morning i got back, took a shower, tried to sleep, my hair still wet, worried if i got myself sick, a lot of anxiety. Couldn't fall asleep because my feet hurted and it was loud in my head. Then i fell asleep but i was worried the whole time because today at 3pm was my appointment for therapy and EDMR. I honestly don't think I can do EMDR in this state. Or even get to the therapist's office. I'm feeling so anxious, weak, guilty. I need therapy but just for my anxiety now and idk when she can give me a new appointment, she's always busy as if everyone is insane here (not as if it's not true tho). I no longer have student status and privileges like health insurance and cheap bus card. Now i have to be adult and i can't, i feel vulnerable but too ashamed to call and say what i have done. Well, i will reabilitate my student status at September when i go for master's but it will be like one year long, max 2 if i go for something im not so keen on studying. I don't know what to do with my therapist, i should probably call her but I'm scared. What should I do? 😭
Edit : I called her. She gave me a session for 15th. I told her im traveling with grandma on 17th and people (here) told me i need a week to recover. My therapist said "Listen to the one doing it, you will be a therapist yourself, don't talk nonsense, people are gonna laugh at you" and i will sink into the ground from shame and anxiety.
It's a hard period for me. New status(from wow student to unemployed), graduated something while I'm mentally ill myself. I'm telling myself the anxiety attacks are from the alcohol but probably even such a happy event as graduating bugged me
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You did well on your exam. Take some time to celebrate that before moving on to more worry. We often forget to focus on the good when the bad seems so overwhelming. This is a major accomplishment. Celebrate!
OH MY GOD! I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT! Congratulations, AtC. I am so SO proud of you. You didn't just pass; you blew that test out of the water. You are amazing and brilliant and creative and strong.
It's understandable that you are having an adrenalin let-down now after all the tension and anxiety. Let the pride and good feelings seep back in as your body adjusts to not having to worry about that test any longer.
You ARE an adult. Just because you find it difficult to navigate doesn't mean you aren't doing the things adults do. You passed with an *A*! and now have time to take a beat and think about what you want to do.
You need a new therapist, though. If your current therapist said that people will laugh at you, she's being abusive. You always seem more upset after. talking with your therapist, more damaged. What do you get out of therapy with this person that you find beneficial?
I hope you can take the time to choose your next area of study carefully and find one that excites you and that you will enjoy. Please hold onto this fantastic accomplishment in your mind and remember how well you did despite everything you are enduring.
Thank you so much! I was so eager to share with you i did it! Feels so nice someone to be proud of me. Yeah, recieving the grade i was ecstatic and then it ran out and reality hit me. I have so much to think about - new accomodation, master's, therapists. I'm really out of options. In Bulgaria they're all like her and worse. Meanwhile im not stable even when nothing is happening. I get a panic attack at 8pm, then overthink at 3am till i get me a mental breakdown. Any interaction with the outside world can drive me into a mental breakdown, trigger me
And I was so thrilled to see your post! After reading your posts here, I wasn't surprised that your professor said your essay was so excellent. I hope you get your diploma framed and hang it in your wall where you and everyone else can see it. Woo-Hoo! 🥳 🎉 💥 🎆 🎇
I hope that your time away with your grandmother will help your mind calm, that you'll be somewhere your defenses can relax and your body and mind can both re-learn how to let go a little bit at a time. I know the process will be its own kind work, but you can do it.
Please let us know how your first EMDR session goes.
OMG yes!!!!! Congratulations 🍾🎈🎉 So proud of you for pushing through despite everything going on. You are so much stronger than what your anxiety tells you. 💜
I think your feelings about being an adult are totally valid. Even though I’m in my 30s and have 3 kids, I find adulting to be hard. Just the amount of responsibility is overwhelming if I think about it too much. I do most of the adult stuff in the house while my husband plays video games and enjoys life. It’s never easy but it is doable! And you are a very capable smart person. You got this!!
Congratulations on such a fabulous grade. I suppose experiencing this might cause a type of stress itself, which might be why you seem to be having a sort of turn-around. Just take time to relax and enjoy your success and how it makes you feel. Have a lovely break.
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Therapist rant
Now what?
