My family is killing me (don't read If it would make you think bad of me😖)

[Against_the_current]

My mom's drunk again. I feel like i hate her. I feel like i hate everything. I'm so tired. Anxiety and depression are so easily notice in me. I'm ruined. Even when i say something funny, it's pain. I can't stop talking bullshit (like my last post which is awkward af) and it's a result of the persisting anxiety and depression, abuse and neglect. Also dad has a baby. My real sister is a teenager and she's upset just like me and i worry myself out for her. I'm on online education and i don't see anyone. I feel like i over expose myself online is because i lost everything and i'm absolutely alone in real life. I'm like a real Glonk. So pathetic. I'm ruined to the core. I'm always anxious and depressed. And for a reason. Mom and sis would always argue and dad's with his new family, unimates are in other cities. I tried to move out, i tried to socialize, i'm medicated and in therapy but i don't feel like it helps because still my mom and sis will be arguing. Mom still will be drunk and annoying af. Sis is an angsty teen i'm worried about. Dad's with his new family making me still feel guilty that he's not here. My therapist is terrible but she said one right thing - when your family is absent, you have a hole in yourself. I have a hole in myself. And i'm never experiencing positive emotions. And i never have the chance. Always a trouble will happen. I feel like i'm walking on eggshels. At home i'm walking on eggshels. It's a war one. Even a normal person would go insane. I tried to move out but i'm so traumatized that my roommates overwhelmed me. People don't understand my coundidion. If someone here knew what i'm going through and acted adequate instead of triggering me more, things maybe would work out. But noo, i have to always worry someone will upset mom or sis, the car will broke or something else would happen. We can't even talk normal. And i know i seem so silly, probably my university mates think i'm silly always saying something dumb at class but it's all pain. And how can people be so blind to not realize it's pain. They don't go home and walk on eggshels while drunk mom and sis i'm worried about are arguing or having a rough day as always. And worrying mom could see a pic of dad on stupid Facebook. Or having to be between the frontlines. Having to take this damage. WATCHING EVERYONE YOU LOVE WALK AWAY FROM YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO BROKEN. Not being able to do a small task and then mom scolding you. Not being able to work and feeling like you can't move out and feeling like i'm a burden and behind everyone else on my Age. Watching people my Age sucseed, work, have families both parents and kids while i'm trying to breathe. And nobody cares i'm trying to survive. Because i'm surving. I'm not living. I'm just surviving home, surviving accomodation, surviving home. I don't live. Please don't be scared and don't think i'm weird, i'm just in so much pain since an year and a half. And my whole life. But everyone would be. Everyone in my place would be. The whole Universe rained down on me. My damn drunk mom is asleep. And making me prepare and take responsibilities of Tommorrow traveling for the holidays to her damn village and family. There i'm triggered as hell but at least we have more space and Grandma and probably won't argue that much. She won't go to work these days. Also i'm overwhelmed as hell with those gifts. And she thinks i'm resting all day because i'm on online university but i'm preparing gifts, studying and fighting insane mental damage. She thinks only she has emotions. Only she can be tired. Meanwhile worried about new year and who to celebrate with, probably her. Worried about buying her a gift, my plan was to buy her a phone but i don't know whether i want to give so much for her. I'm overwhelmed. Still i try to be myself, the kind and smart me that just cares too much. Please don't think bad of me. Don't leave me. I was already left twice this year. And it's critical for my mental health. My therapist said it. I just need some support and non-judgement. We all came here for issues. Again i'm fighting in my head. I'm overwhelmed. I'm like a prey in a jungle. No rest. Just hypervigiliant 24/7. If hell exists, this is it. And i'm constantly trying to save myself. I swear i fight. I swear i improve and learn and stay good. Despite everything. I need rest. I just need rest. And safety. And affection. But those are luxuries i guess.

P. S. They won't go to therapy.

[Hidden]

I feel so sorry for you😭😭😭

[Nifflerluck]

Hi Glonk, how old are you if you don't mind me asking ? I can relate to a lot of what you have said with slightly different circumstances. My sister is 8 years younger than me so I had to take on a lot of responsibility and my mother had borderline personality disorder and was addicted to a variety of different medicines and was incredibly volatile and unpredictable so I get the pain and anxiety and turmoil !

What are you studying at uni ?

I don't have any magical solution or answers yet I'm here to listen should you need it and as much as it may not seem it right now and as much as it's easier for me to say than to do yet it does get better ! I know its clichéd yet it really does.

[Against_the_current in reply to Nifflerluck]

Thank you, i appreciate it a lot. I'm 21 and my sister is 14, 7 years younger than me. I'm studing psychology but apparently "i can't deal with my own problems as a psychology student". But as you say there's no magic cure, i'm not a wizarding student. I'm struggling with moving out to uni too because we're on online education and i don't have to be there and because when i'm there it's really hard to take care of myself because i have classes all day, just stay in my room and study and have roommates and their friends (i think i wrote posts about them). So i'm stuck wondering to be tortured at home or be tortured at accomodation and which is best to sis. I guess you know how it feels....

[Nifflerluck in reply to Against_the_current]

Hi Glonk, Firstly I'm really sorry you are having to go through all is, you are meant to be enjoying uni and instead you have so many other issues to deal with.

A few things I want to point out that I hope might help a tad.

Did you know that all psychologists have a psychologist ? As a psychology student you are not meant to be able to deal with your own problems. Studying psychology will give you a greater understanding and awareness yet there is a reason doctors don't diagnose themselves and why psychologists have someone to debrief with and to talk to as just because you have the knowledge doesn't take away the need for that "outside perspective" as others can view the situation differently to how we view our own world.

The other thing I have learnt along the way that I want to share with you is that at some point you have to put yourself first and make YOU the top priority. You mentioned about what is best for your sis, and I totally get that and it's made more complicated with her being "underage" so she is limited in what her options are yet you won't be any help to her if you yourself have fallen apart. Yes family is important yet family can also be toxic and there is absolutely nothing wrong with needing to distance yourself or putting yourself first and basing your decisions not on what's best for your sis or anyone else yet what is best for you. What saved me literally was being able to say enough is enough and acknowledging that my mother was toxic and abusive and I left home at 17 and I tortured myself over how it impacted my sister yet ultimately it was the best thing I did. The 17 years following that decision allowed me the time to build my life back and unfortunately I was never able to build back the relationship with my mother before she passed last year yet not having the toxic influence in my life was the best thing for me. And I'm not saying its what you need to do or that it's the right way, what I'm trying to point out is that it is perfectly okay to put yourself first and base decisions on you because at the end of the day you are the one that has to live your life and that has to be okay with the decisions and choices you have control over.

You are more than welcome to DM me if you would like.

Just remember YOU matter and YOU are important!!

[Against_the_current in reply to Nifflerluck]

Thank you so much. Thank you for the experience, advice and encouragment to think about myself. What you gone through is so hard and you're so strong. Thanks and i'm here too

[Isinatra]

Do you have an Al-Anon group in your area? It’s a support group for people who have the same experiences as you….. Loved ones with problems with alcohol. It might help you.

[Against_the_current in reply to Isinatra]

I'd love to but i don't have. I don't have any support groups here and i would love to attend so much

[Isinatra in reply to Against_the_current]

I don’t mean to be a pest, but there might be some online groups. You could give it a good old fashioned college try. 🍀

[Caroline_24]

Dear Glonk, I'm so sorry that you are going through this much pain in your life while you are still young and when you are supposed to enjoy your life. I can relate to most of the things that you wrote and the truth is that I'm still struggling with most of them, although I left my country one year ago and now I'm just worried about my little sister who is still in that home. my suggestion to you is to do exercise, yoga is a great starting point(there are many free videos online), and write journal and study hard to become independent sooner.

In the meanwhile, keep in mind that you are enough and you are not responsible for your parents' divorce or your mother's drinking problems.

lots of love ❤️

[Against_the_current in reply to Caroline_24]

Thank you so much, Caroline, i really needed to hear this. I was bombarded with intrusive thoughts it's all my fault and that i'm alone. Now i see it's not only me and i'm sorry you went through this nightmare too but it's inspiring to see you could get out and take care of yourself. I'm worried about my sister too when i leave. I'm worried about my impact on her when i'm there too. Also Thanks for the advice ❤️

[mom483]

First of all you are NOT the problem - your parents are.Mom is too drunk to take care of her family? Too Bad! Dad can't be bothered because he has a NEW family?. He still has responsibilities to you and your sister. As for going on holiday, if you don't want to, don't go. I don't know how the legal system works where you are. But is there some organization that can help you and your sister get into a safe environment - and away from your mom? Have you tried meds? at least something to take the edge off the constant struggle you face. i am just grasping at straws but I hope some of it is helpful.

[Against_the_current in reply to mom483]

Thanks. There are actually no proper organizations to take care of us and we're just trying to survive until we can live on our own. I'm on medication, of course because otherwise this would be too unbearable and it would wounds me for life (even more). It's really stupid how mom shame me for a calming med but anasthesies herself with alcohol. I hope i'm not making it worse with my anxiety and didn't caused their troubles. But as you say they have their part

[Mrspjsmom]

Reading your post brought up so many memories of my own family. I am much older than you so please believe me when I say you matter and are stronger than you know. Nobody here will judge you and if you need us someone is always here. Wishing you all the best.

[Against_the_current in reply to Mrspjsmom]

Aw, thank you. Hope you're better now

[Mrspjsmom in reply to Against_the_current]

I still struggle but many people do. I know I'm not alone and that helps alot.

[Against_the_current in reply to Mrspjsmom]

Same

[AuntBee]

You said your therapist said: “When your family is absent, you have a hole in yourself”. I think that is a distorted perception. YOU are complete. YOU are whole. You are perfect the way you are. You don’t have a hole in yourself, you may be missing a family that you wished you had, but it doesn’t make you incomplete.

Next I want to say you can not control others, you can only control yourself. You can not control your mom, you can not control your dad. I know that is painful. Try to recognize what they do that you can’t control, work through accepting that, I know its hard. I have more to say, but space here is limited.

When it comes to your sister, your worry is not productive because again, you can’t control that situation. The question is how can you support her? I mean emotionally support her. She needs your strength.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. You aren’t alone.

[Against_the_current in reply to AuntBee]

Thank you. I needed to hear this. And reading my therapist i'm thinking whether i should change her