Frustrated and feeling lonely today

[Indiegal]

I've been really stressed and frustrated lately feeling like everything is falling apart around me. I won’t go into details with my back story, but I'm having some financial stresses and dealing with some repairs (and extra expenses) on my home. Plus I've had some minor medical issues that have added to the stress. But today I just really felt all alone in dealing with all of it.

I moved back to the Midwest (US) from Los Angeles to be with my family after my sister had a baby over a decade ago. I haven't really been happy here for a long time, but I've been trying to make it work, especially after my dad died and I wanted to stay close to my family. Covid really limited my social life and it never really got back to a normal one and am now self-employed working at home. So my family has mostly been my life, especially my closest sister and her kids. But my sister doesn't seem to appreciate me or care to do the fun things with me. I go to most of her kids sporting events (more than anyone else) and jump whenever they need me. But she doesn't ask me over for dinner anymore or to go to the fun events with them and I feel I'm always an afterthought if I get invited with others last minute. Her in-laws live oversees but her sister-in-law and niece have been nearby the last year, while her brother-in-law comes to visit every 3 months. So I get they would spend time with them when they're here. But I feel like she's done more with them (outside of the things I've done to support them) in the last few years than me, and they didn't even live in the country! Today being 4th of July, I asked them over the weekend what they were doing and that I'd like to meet up with them for something and to let me know what's going on. When she didn't I texted her to see when they were going, she said they went to hang out with the in-laws cause they asked the night before. I was pissed and hurt, but this wasn't the first time something like this has happened. It just felt like an obvious choice since I had said something several days ago. With my financial stress and this, I spent the night depressed and crying. Then she had the nerve to invite me over 30 minutes before fireworks like I should jump at the chance to hang out with them at their whim like I should have been waiting around all day without any notice. I keep wondering why I live in a place I don't really like for people who don't care enough about me to prioritize me. But then I don't even know where I'd go.

We're not ones to talk about our feelings. Plus when I go over to their house she won't even turn off the tv or the kids or her husband are yelling all the time so there's no chance to talk. And she hasn't "had the time" to go anywhere just the two of us in I don't know how many years. They're going on vacation next week anyway so she wouldn't make the time. She did invite me to go on vacation with them a few weeks ago (after she invited the in-laws and planned everything so I wouldn't have any say in anything). But with my money issues I had to decline.

I don't know what I'm asking for here, maybe just some support. Sorry this was so long, but I'm hoping someone has some advice or words of wisdom to get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself.

[012703060610]

Oh I get it all. I am not much different from you from a relocation standpoint. I went from CT to Idaho which is like moving to a different country. We have been here for five years. I left my entire world I created behind. I lived my entire adult life in CT. I am only here as my ex hustled me to have our third child in Idaho as his parents retired here. We got a temp apartment and after 6 months and with a newborn, he served me divorce papers. I had to fight to find a job that would allow me to be here. So I spent one whole year back and forth plus traveling for work every six weeks. After COVID, my life went upside down further with a complicated diagnosis leaving me homebound almost always. I GET all that you are saying with your sister. I have had to cut one of my sister's loose because I did all those things when she had kids.....I am quite a bit younger....I would take her kids on vacations. She is an addict so our communication has always been limited....regardless, she was never there for me in my own times of crisis. I am truly alone, but am married. I have three great young kids but a terrible Ex who makes it a living nightmare. He knows my health trajectory and yet he is still so mean and still not considering the kids well being....like enough sleep, the right food, too much screen time etc. My husband and I do all the events for our kids and he may or may not show up. We even have to do them on his custody weeks. He has two jobs and one is all the way back in Virginia for which he travels one week a month and sometimes two. We have no idea why the heck we are here in this state.

So here is my advice....it may seem counter intuitive. Ghost her, sort of. Don't reach out, don't go see the kids, don't have a meal. If it is a whole family dinner, be there and polite but focus on things you want to talk about. Or directly only focus on the kids. She sounds a touch narcissistic, but you would be the best judge. From what I have learned, the people that do reach back out care. If she rolls with it, I think you are doing yourself a favor and can put more time into self care. I volunteer at times to meet new people. If able take a long walk.....do anything that you can that benefits you. You sound very strong and very capable despite some of the issues and stresses. No, it was not fair that she did that to you. I would have been honest if it were about the in laws way up front. I doubt it was all last minute. People like us who truly have empathy for others and feel with our whole bodies can easily get trampled on. I'm not saying you run away from your family, they are still the core. I'm just saying don't make it so easy for them to have you around for what their needs are. My life is way better without dealing with my addict sister. While your sister may not be an addict, it doesn't sound like she is happy if she is fighting with her spouse and doing so in front of the kids. She needs to deal with her stuff on her own. If this sounds totally nuts, no worries. Just wanted to offer up a suggestion. Will be thinking of you!

I was alone too yesterday and cried for about 10 hours. The pain and hurt are very real.

[Turnipgirl in reply to 012703060610]

It's when they can arrange things with you but won't is when it hurts!

I had an incident which my sister in law said was mean when my mother refused to talk to me one Monday evening as I hadn't booked an appointment to do so which is ridiculous!

If she genuinely hadnt been able to get to the phone say she was out or with someone else then fair enough I could have accepted that as I do appreciate people can't be available all the time!

What happened was I received a mean message fobbing me off saying she would be in contact the weekend just gone but never was and how she was too busy packing boxes to move and tried to blame not having wi fi and hide behind that which sounded stupid and childish!

Thing is if you feel so aggrieved all because someone has dared to contact you without an appointment then don't answer the phone and if a matter is urgent and important they will call back later or ring them back when you do have 5 minutes spare!

If she hadn't answered at all I wouldn't have felt cross as fair enough you can't always get to the phone but with all due respect that was rude!

Like my sister in law said that was just mean and unkind to have done that!

Thing is hiding behind silly excuses is something young children do who don't know any better!

[Indiegal in reply to Turnipgirl]

I think my sister (and others in my family) just assume because I'm single and am self-employed I can drop whatever I'm doing at any time to be there for them. I guess most of the time I do, but it doesn't mean I don't deserve the respect of planning time with me or giving me the heads up if they make plans with others so I'm not waiting around. Like you said, it's just mean and rude!

[Turnipgirl in reply to Indiegal]

The paradox is when they do things like that the person they hurt the most is themselves!

[Indiegal in reply to 012703060610]

Thank you for your response. Your situation also sounds complicated and frustrating. I feel like you really hit the nail on the head and get what I'm going through. I have actually thought my sister is narcissistic and said it to my mom once. My mom thought it was ridiculous I would say that about her, but I guess that's hard to say about your own daughter.

I don't feel like I could cut her out of my life or if ghosting her would do anything. This last year I've pulled back on going to as many of the kids' games. I used to go to almost all of them and I didn't go to several to choose either doing something for myself or to finish work. She did understand, but I feel I was the one who missed out on seeing them and felt bad when they were sad I didn't come. And then I felt like she could somehow hold it over me that I wasn't there as much for them. That's maybe more of my own issue to deal with though. Anyway, thanks for your response and support!

[Turnipgirl]

No I won't be telling you to get over it and feel sorry for yourself as we all get times we feel upset no matter what our circumstances are!

Too busy in my view is just an excuse to hide behind as when people really do want to see you they will shift heaven and earth to make it happen!

Everyone I know at present is finding things hard financially even those who are supposedly loaded so you are far from the only one going through that!

It's when they can arrange things with you but won't is when things hurt!

I would have cried as well as that was hurtful when they went to the in laws and not you.