Possible depression and grief in an 8 year old

[Naynay18]

Hello, I volunteer for the big brother big sister program as a mentor to an 8 year old girl, we’ll call her Bella. If you are not familiar with bbbs it is a program where an adult gets to mentor a kid in need of guidance. It is a free program mostly to under privileged kids. I met Bella about a month a half ago. I was given two girls to possibly mentor for and I chose her. She’s half black half white like me. And she’s super beautiful and smart. I was told little about her and just that she was being bullied because of her hair and had a history of trauma. I felt like I really could help her because I related so much to that. Speaking with her on our first meetup I found out more from the program and her about her situation. She told me three years ago her mom and dad split up and one day her mom dropped her off at her aunts house and has not spoken to either parent ever since. She said even if her mom came back she wouldn’t want to go with her because she lied and said she’d be back for her and her older sister. Well heres the icing on the cake. Her aunt (who she sometimes refers to as mom) has terminal cancer. When I first met her aunt she still seemed relatively healthy, but in a matter of two weeks she rapidly declined. Since I’ve known Bella her aunt has been the hospital three times the first time for sepsis. I saw her yesterday when I went to pick Bella up to go swimming. She no longer has any hair, is on oxygen, and was puking in a bucket. There were atleast 30 prescription bottles lying around and that probably wasn’t even all her medications. When I dropped her off after we hung out her aunt was asking to go to the hospital and looked incredibly sick, wearing diapers, and lost all her color. I can’t imagine what this poor girl is going through. The hardest part is it doesn’t seem like she knows her aunt is going to pass soon. She says things like “when my aunt gets better I’m gonna play soccer again.” I’m not sure if they told her and she just doesn’t understand the concept of death or if she genuinely has no idea. Her aunts husband will take care of her, her sister, and her two older cousins when she passes. I’m writing this post because I would like some good advice on how to help her through grief and possibly depression. I’ve gotten some books off Amazon about grief for kids and they are really really good. I also got her a guided journal for kids 8-12 about grief and emotions around it, I figured I could help her fill it out. But I’ve never lost someone that close to me and I’m not really sure how to explain death to a child. I am very stable although I struggled immensely with mental health in the past, I really want to help her and it’s not too much for me to handle. Obviously my heart hurts for because she doesn’t understand she doesn’t have much time left, if you experienced grief as a kid please share your experience. Or if you’ve ever dealt with grief please share how you learned to live without that person. Thanks

[litethatnevergoesout]

you’re doing a beautiful thing naynay. Children are amazingly resilient, that’s all I know and that they’re beautiful and special, thank you for taking on this responsibility.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Before my father died, he was touched by a picture of balloon that had lost its flight and was deflated and on the ground with a note attached to it from a child written to a parent that was intended to reach heaven.

[Margaret_712]

She is so lucky to have you in her life, particularly at this time. I think that the books you have are a great idea, and I would try to find her a grief counselor or therapist. Hospice offers grief counseling for free to those who have recently lost someone.

I have been through lots of loss - both parents, my auntie who was like a mother, etc. Being around animals, being in the woods or at the beach, and activities where I can just be with people in a cozy, low pressure way are very comforting. If you are allowed to bring her to your home, a cozy movie night on the couch with some yummy food and blankets would be nice. And, reassure her over and over that it is alright to cry around you. Our culture doesn't really give people much room to grieve, or even be sad. And, maybe making a photo album of her aunt with her would give her a change to talk about it, and process her feelings. And/or, just be sad with you and not talk about it. Grief is rough. And, yes, kids are resilient. One kind, attentive person can make a huge difference.

Good luck and lots of strength to you!

[Julian23]

I just took a look at bbbs.org; under FAQs, it stated that they assigned you a Match Support Specialist from the agency to provide assistance and give feedback. The site also advised: “Any time you are unsure about what to do or how to handle a situation, you will have a Match Support Specialist there to help. They’ll help you with ideas for activities, guidance for handling possible difficult situations, and feedback on how you are making a difference.”

Have you talked to this personnel yet? What do they say? If not yet, do so because they are professionally trained to respond to their clients’ family trauma cases.

The child already has a legal guardian/parents and the Match Support Specialist is there to help guide you about how you can interact with her. How often are you allowed to hang out with her? I think It’s great if you can have some fun activities and share hobbies with her under this specialist’s supervision.

Cheers,

Julian.

[Naynay18 in reply to Julian23]

Hello, I do have a match specialist! I just got assigned to a new one and I haven’t had a chance to speak with her yet. After each visit you speak to them about how things went and they give feedback if needed. I talked to my last match specialist about grief counseling for Bella and they said when the time gets closer we’ll have a deeper conversation on how to approach this.

[Julian23 in reply to Naynay18]

Great! They seem to be a well established organization and can be a good opportunity for students to earn their credits in sociology or community health class. Speak with your new match specialist and voice your concern to her about Bella. Let her know how you feel and your method of approaching in this case. Keep up the good work.

Best wishes,

Julian.

[silentdreamer20]

You are doing a beautiful thing. Grief is hard, but having someone there that you know cares for you is something so special. I agree with Margaret that a photo collage would be nice to do. Also, just being there for this young girl. Sometimes just asking how she's doing and feeling about all of it can make a difference as well. A lot of people forget that kids have their own feelings and don't bother to simply ask them, offering an open ear and love in return- along with giving her a distraction (in a sense). I think everything you are doing is so kind of you. She is very lucky to have been paired with someone with such a big heart as you.