I just joined here. I came home from church feeling alone even though the people there are very nice. My family was there. I moved here to help and be with my grandkids, but my family has no time for me. I work with a therapist and she tells me I have to learn to accept that this won’t change. I do take kids to appointments and pick them up from school. Their parents discourage closeness with me and talk badly about me. I don’t know why. My daughter tells me I gave her a bad life, but my husband and I did everything we could to be good parents. I was an anxious Mom. I came from a lot of childhood abuse and abandonment. But I love them all so much. They didn’t treat me this badly when my husband was alive, but now that he’s gone, they remind me they are a family and don’t like intrusions. Im sorry,..this is a terrible first post. Im thankful to be here. I hope I can be more positive and helpful in time.
lonely and sad: I just joined here. I... - Anxiety and Depre...
lonely and sad
I’m so sorry you feel this way. Have you tried trying talking to your child/ren about your past etc. - that may be a dumb question I’ve never been in this situation YET but I fear it. My children lived a rough life. Not that we weren’t good parents- just life experiences sometimes cause trauma and I never know how much they blame us or will hold grudges later- my brother held grudges on my dad for yrs but did overcome it so just keep loving and keep being you- kids are still learning even as ADULTS .. I wish you the best🥰
My daughter told me she’s doesn’t want to hear about my difficult young life. During her childhood, she had everything. We only had one child so one of us would be available for her all the time. I love her so much even though she hurts me. She works too hard and her husband doesn’t help that. I offered to help in any way I can, but she doesn’t want me in her home. Although, I was asked to pet sit for 10 days, but told not to do anything at their home but stay there and manage the pets. They are still learning, but my daughter is 50.
Dear SharksintheSea, do you feel it may have been a mistake to move at this time of your
life? I'm truly sorry for the loss of your husband. As much as you love your family and the
grandchildren, you are basically put into a position of raising children once again.
Is this fair to you and all you left behind, a good community of friends? Probably friends
your age who understand your situation.
It can always be difficult to be the 5th wheel of a growing family. Their priorities right now
are on a different page then yours. I am so sorry that you feel you feel lonely and sad.
Your therapist is right in that this is something that won't change but are you ready to accept
that?? Your happiness and mental health are important right now. 
xx
My husband and I actually 5 years ago because my daughter asked for our help. For two years, we took care of the girls from 6 am to 6 pm as my daughter and her husband started their careers here. It was hard to leave my friends behindd, but we missed our grandkids so much. You are right. They won’t change and maybe staying here is not best for me. I just don’t want to make any major changes for awhile. My grief is ever present. I had a wonderful, loving, very happy husband..always full of jokes and always happy.
I so understand dear. Making changes in our lives is always a difficult process
especially when it comes to loved ones. You've already lost your loving partner
and can understand you don't want to lose your daughter and grandchildren.
Of course, take your time. Just make sure you have support right now.
We are here for you emotionally any time you need a friend xx
Thank you. This is amazing. I can’t really share my issues with anyone here. My son-in-law has a high position in the church I attend. Support from this group is so comforting.
I'm sorry you feel alienated from your family.
I would just focus on your grandchildren. See them when you can.
How do you know the parents are telling them bad things about you? What are their ages?
🐬
Keep helping out with your grandchildren. They will get to an age when they will have their own opinions about you, in spite of what their parents say. Generally adult children get to an age where they realize that their parents are not perfect (nobody is) and that everybody has issues that they had to deal with that formed their personality. Have a talk with your children about the things that shaped your personality. Tell them that you are trying to work through things and become the best person you can be. I wish you luck!
Thank you. I do keep trying. I tried to explain my issues and discuss it with the grandkids, but there Mom told not to do that again. She said she’s tired of hearing about my tough childhood. I see a therapist and I’ve made progress. I appreciate your wishes. I’m a little damaged now with my husbands loss, but I’m trying very hard to make a difference and be present.
Nora
InLaws can be really nasty when you are bereaved, I remember from personal experience.
I wonder if they might be badmouthing you in the hearing of your children. Hence your daughter telling you this.
When I was widowed I had two small (under school age) children, and it was tough , Mortgage etc., not always able to put good food on the table. not always able to dress them nicely either.
I made myself manage, and slowly pulled out of it, Sold my big house to a developer and with the profits bought a smaller one without a mortgage.
As I got older and more disabled, My son and I moved to a coastal area where the prices were affordable and I could manage in the bungalow.
Try, if you can, to get away from them. If they don't consider you family, then flip them the bird and have nothing more to do with them. It worked for me.
Cheers, Midori
Thank you for your reply. It really helps to share and be heard. Yes, she talks 8n front of them about me. One of my granddaughters tells me. It makes me sad. I want to leave, but my granddaughters don’t want me to do so. They follow their Mother’s suggestion to keep me away from intruding on their life, yet they come to my house when they can. They are put in the middle. It took a lot of courage to make your way after being widowed with children. God bless you. They are my only family. I come from a abused home and had to separate myself at a young age. But I’m ok on my own.
Best to you! Nora
That sounds very hard. I was wondering if you've considered volunteering somewhere as it sounds like you have so much love to give. Just an idea. It's fine to write whatever you need to here, don't worry about being positive, we all understand.
I'm so sorry your dealing with this. I have 4 children, my first born (son) passed away at the age of 6 from cancer. We had 1 daughter at the time. My world fell apart. We had 2 more children, girls. I admit I was an over protective mom and like you We did our best. My girls never had to wonder if they were loved. My middle child holds a lot of resentment towards us. She went to college, graduated. Has a good job. Married a guy who we arnt sure about. He has a good job too. She got pregnant and blamed me because I wanted grandchildren. She had post partum for nearly a year. I was always there to take care of the baby. 10 years later she still is disrespectful. She was a brat in high school always treating me bad. She graduated with honors. Her husband's mom is a goody 2 shoes and my daughter can't get a long with her either. I was so close to my grand daughter until I was told that I could not do certain events. We were planning on going to their wedding in FL. But she didn't want her mother in law there so her husband said we couldn't go. We missed out on a beach wedding that included our small grand daughter. My 2 youngest daughters are 15 months a part and used to be so close. But not now.
This has been going on so long I just leave her alone. The tears that I have cried over this are all dried up. I love my kids, and I have always put them first.
Hang in there. There's just nothing you can do, it's so sad. If I try to talk to my daughter about it she will say oh here we go, pity party time. Hang in there.
Thank you for your reply. It somehow helps knowing I’m not alone in this. However, I wish you didn’t have to go through this. I couldn’t go to my daughters wedding. She got married in a Buddhist ceremony. She didn’t want to include her husbands parents because they would disapprove. So I couldn’t go either because if they found out, it would make them so mad. I’m not invited to most events and can’t even see them on Christmas.
Do you think we gave them too much as children. Did we dote on them? I know my husband and I did everything for her..anything she asked. She resents me because I have no formal degree but earned more than she did because I was in the computer field. She has a Masters and is a therapist. I worked my way up through the field. I’m 73 now…I started at the bottom and worked very long days for 35 years.
I hear from friends that many women have these issues with their daughters. Most have decided to back out of their kids lives.
I offer you lots of hugs and plenty of opportunity to share anything with me. But most of all, I know you were a great Mom. Your daughter won’t acknowledge it, but from someone who understands, I acknowledge you for all you have done.
Ahh thank you. I ask myself the same question. Did we give them to much when they were younger. I always stepped in when something wasn't right if they couldn't solve it on their own. I am sure you were a great mom too. That's so sad that your grand daughters have to keep their distance with moms orders. I was going to take coffee and donuts when my grand daughter had her tonsils oit and my daughter flat out said No stay away. But we were there when she was born and provided everything. Formula, clothes diapers, rocking chair. I would be there at 6am right when her husband was leaving because my daughter was scared to be alone with the baby due to post partum. We kept her on the weekends so they could catch up on sleep etc. Yet she has never acknowledged any of it. She refused to have anymore children. I also have a grandson from my oldest daughter. They adopted him from Taiwan because my son in law couldn't have children. I am so close to him and spend lots of time with him. He is so sweet. My granddaughter is adorable to bit if she spends time with me, my daughter questions her on everything we did. If it's something she don't like she calls and asks questions. It's like walking on egg shells.
I hope you continue to spend quality time with your granddaughters. They will have wonderful memories of you someday.
I’m so sorry. I wish I could understand. I think there must be some kind of anger or resentment in their lives. I’m not sure it’s truly at us, but we are the easiest target.
My daughter is like that, always willing to believe bad things about me, although I have never broken a law in my life. I worry for my grandson, who lately, when I call has been spouting back her poison at me.
My son and I moved away to get away from the town where it all happened, and it was such a relief not to be walking on eggshells.
I'm happy in the bungalow, my son has his Man Cave in the big bedroom, and I have my Lady Lair in the living room.
It’s hard, but we have to take care of ourselves. I’m glad you are both happy.
Yes anger is a direct result of fear. I wish I could understand what she is fearful of. She would never admit that. I talk to my other 2 daughters everyday. I just keep my distance from the middle daughter. I call once in a while to see how things are. Last time she hung up on me because I asked what her plans for Thanksgiving was. She said coming to your house but my husband and I opted not to cook this year. So she hung up on me. The next day I texted her and told her that it wasn't right to hang up on me and that no matter what I still loved her unconditionally. She typed back, love you too. So, I don't know. I'm just going to continue to keep my distance unless she calls me.
It’s so worrisome. I get angry but quickly it turns to concern. My therapist suggests I stay away too. If anything, just to keep from getting hurt. Yet, today I’m watching two sick grandkids.
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