Off my chest

Hi guys.. I have something that is eating away at me for months now and I can't talk to the one person who I wanna talk to because its about them. One of my best friends (we'll call her Blue) has been my best friend for the past 5 years. We have been very close and we rarely argue so we get along pretty great. We tell each other everything ( she was the first person I told about my sexual assault). These past couple of months, we have been talking about our mental health and we even started looking for therapist and psychiatrist around the same time (she hasn't been diagnosed yet). We live in a dorm together and she has the habit of leaving the dorm room for a week sometimes more and this sucks because I have real bad abandonment issues. Now I know this isn't her fault but I expressed to her why I don't like when she leaves and that if she feels the need to leave, then she could at least call me or text me. She doesn't. She says that she doesn't like to text, which is understandable but calling would be nice. I feel like the only time she text me is when she needs something or when she has a question about something but if I don't reach out to her first then I won't hear from her. The reason I am writing this is because we roomed together again this year and she has been gone for about a week now, she left last weekend. I have been texting her but she takes hours to respond back and when we FaceTime, she rarely speaks to me on the phone. She'll turn her volume down on whatever we are FaceTiming on and she'll talk to her sisters instead. I can't help to feel like an irritant to her or burden to her. I feel like maybe I am pushing her away from because she has been really distant these past few weeks but the only thing I am trying to do is to keep her close. She saids that she has abandonment issues as well and that she tends to push people away but I am constantly telling her that I am not leaving. I cherish my friendships too much to leave. I wanna talk to her about it but she gets really defensive and I am afraid that she talk to her sisters or her internet friends about me. Another thing is I feel like she treats me differently then how she treats her other friends (in person and on the internet). She's not monotone and she actually have convos with them. An example would be yesterday, I created a group chat with me, my best friend and two our our mutual friends (we'll call them Nancy and Drew). One of our mutual friends, Drew, told us she had some bad news and as we were comforting her, Blue was like if you need anything you can call me anytime or you can come to my house if you need extra comfort. Now I understand that she was comforting our mutual friend but I couldn't help but feel like if I was in the same situation, she wouldn't do the same. Later on that day, I told the girls that we could have a group FaceTime call when I got off of work. I had an hour before my therapist appointment and I just wanted to make sure Drew was okay. Everyone but the Drew agreed (she didn't disagree, she just never responded, which was understandable) but everyone else was on board. Nancy agreed to the face time said yes but to wait until she gets home. So, I decided to call Blue before my appointment and when she answered the phone she said nothing. Not hello, hey, hi, just nothing. The energy was already off so I felt uncomfortable. The time was getting close to my appointment so I told her that I would call her back because I had an appointment (she didn't know about this particular appointment). So when my appointment ended, of course I was excited to tell everyone but the Nancy never texted me back so I just called Blue back like i said I would. She never mentioned my appointment and like always she turned the volume down on her phone so she couldn't hear me. About 20 minutes into the phone call, she finally asked what appointment I had. Im thinking okay she's interested.. ya know? She wants to know how it went so I get excited. I tell her that it was a therapist appointment and she was like oh. Like I mentioned before, she is also monotone and has short responses so a lot of the times if we are talking, I'll get the feeling that she is uninterested in what I am saying unless it's something that she's interested in. So I tried to talk about it with her but she just ignored me and started talking to her sisters again. It was devastating because I was really excited. I have plenty more stories about her where she made me feel ignored or made me feel like she doesn't want to be friends with me but I'll save just because this post is already long enough haha. I just wanna have a calm conversation about it but knowing her, she'll probably make it a big deal :(. I also hate confrontation so that also hinders me from talking to her. I've talked to another friend about this but he just tells me to stop being friends with her if she's hurting me this much. I don't listen because I don't want to stop being her friend I need help.

Sorry that this is so long, this is just something that has been bothering me and I need different opinions on the situation<3

[Hidden]

Also, I know I am not the perfect friend and that I have shit that I need to work on but I am trying and I am not getting the feeling that she is trying.. I am just really feeling like this is a one sided friendship

[DaddysGirl21]

Hello, I’m sorry that you’re having troubles with your best friend and are feeling down and neglected; based on the information you’ve shared it seems as though your friend simply needs some space.

Based on the fact that the two of you already seem pretty close and have been for quite a while and also share a room together, it seems that having a little distance and space between the two of you would be a good idea. After all you do not want her to begin resenting you.

You have to understand and respect the fact that she’s an adult and that while she may not make the same choices as you, you have to respect them nonetheless.

Oftentimes, women have a tendency to have intimate relationships with one another and while this is in fact more customary than men’s relationships, some women can become uncomfortable.

You have to began to understand that not everyone is comfortable with people getting too close to them. Some people’s natural inclination is to retreat when people become too close. Oftentimes, people who do this, don’t know why they do this but they do. Other times, it’s simply a matter of the other person forcing friendships and breaking boundaries.

My suggestion to you is to relax, loosen up, give your friend some space. Don’t expect her to call or check in with you; especially if she’s with her family. It’s not necessary or required.

Respect her boundaries and allow her to be her. Holding on to someone this tight isn’t good for anyone. In the meantime, keep yourself occupied with your individual interest (to gain your own sense of self-worth and freedom) and also try to make other friends.

I hope that this helps.

[Hidden in reply to DaddysGirl21]

Thank you for your advice! I really do appreciate it! It really does help me! The problem is I've tried to give her space and whenever I do, she'll tell me that she feels like I becoming distant with her and she tells me all the time that she feels like she's losing me as a friend. I understand your advice about giving her space though! I guess I may come off as a bit clingy but it confuses me when I try to back off and she tells me these things... ya know?

[DaddysGirl21 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah, that is confusing. People sometimes play games; both men and women. Or it could be that she’s confused, nevertheless, no matter how much you might care about her and your friendship, you have to care about yourself more! Once you know that you’ve done all that you can, leave it alone for a while and back off.

In other words, play it cool, be friends but not overly demonstrative. When she is available, make plans with other friends and show her less attention.

Don’t be so readily available; with your time or your feelings. Make plans without telling her beforehand but still keep a good attitude. Once people find that you pay them less attention, you’ll get more of they’re attention.

Good Luck

[Hidden in reply to DaddysGirl21]

I am going to try to talk to her about it in a non-confrontational way (maybe she wont be so quick to get defensive).. this is really eating at me because I love her and I value our friendship and I don't want that to end. Thank you for your advice! If talking to her doesn't work then I'll do what you said and not make myself so available all the time! Thank you again for your advice, I really appreciate it!!

[Nanii in reply to DaddysGirl21]

I really feel the urge to butt in on this one and so I'm doing I guess.

DaddysGirl22, I really like your first reply, totally agree. A very good advice and insight. But I honestly disagree with how this one ends. Playing cat and mice is never the solution. Ironically like you said in the first sentence. It's not sincere and not good groundworks for an healthy relationship. To withdraw to attract attention is playing with people's minds and I simply can't agree with that. I do, however, agree with everything said before though. (Sorry if it comes of strong, I saw a later reaction of her repeating she'd try this to attract her attention, but it should be like you very well said in your first reaction).

So, growingpains19, I think also that it's a good thing to invest in your own hobbys and things you like to do. Also if for example you tell your best friend every time you do something (well you don't, cause she didn't know about the appointment at first, but example), and she doesn't, which makes it feel uneven for you; It's good to be a bit more independent and do your own thing. She clearly does that too and it could be good for your own state of mind, emotional growth and wellbeing. So not to attract her attention, but for your own growth.

That being said and Daddysgirl21 explains it quite well actually, I want to add an other side to not double things up too much.

Sometimes for things to be uneven can be fine! Because at that point it's less about being uneven, but complementing. But you need te be fine with it.

I don't know anything about her except what you told, but she seems to me like a bit of a random girl. Doing things a bit randomly, maybe impulsively. Clearly not the kind to tell every step and maybe a bit more of the "go with the flow" kind of type. Does this resonate? You told she also wants to stay friends, has abondenment issues and maybe this bit of "monotone"-ness might be part of her own mental state? Also with the FaceTiming thing, it's like videocalling right? If you do that often and/or are often together, I guess it get's to the point of being at ease and not per se talking the whole time, but "being together in distance" while doing your own thing. Something like this? Especially if she's around sisters.. It would be quite logical to me at least, to not have full attention on you. Why she put's the volume down, could have different reasons.. and how do you know actually? Maybe it's a bit privacyrelated, or maybe she calls more for you than herself, knowing you get a bit lonely or something? Who knows this is just the way she likes to FaceTime in such situations (with you).

I notice I could quite go on with this, there are many perspectives, so I'll end this also very long reply with an example of my own: Me and my best friend can talk like crazy, but I can also tend to talk quite a lot more and she can sometimes react... barely. But it's fine, It's totally fine, cause I know her. If she listens, that's mostly enough for me and for her: me accepting her not talking so much all the time. She can simply be really silent sometimes.

So if you both really are willing, it seems to me best you find this kind of balance between the 2 of you.

[Hidden in reply to Nanii]

Thank you for this response! I really do appreciate the advice!! I guess you could say that she is impulsive and random. I just reach out to her a lot because if I don't then we won't talk at all. As far as the facetiming goes, I know she turns down the volume because I'll be talking about something and I'll be waiting on her input or feedback and I don't hear anything. I then start to say "hello" or "are you there" but I get no answer. I check my volume and I even text her "can you hear me?" I'll say hello a few more times and then she'll say "oh, I turned my volume down". I honestly don't know if it's for privacy reasons but most of the time, she's at home by herself reading her manga. And fyi, I always text her beforehand asking if its okay for me to call. So it just leads to me feeling ignored. Or she'll hang up in the middle of me talking and then I text her "what happened?" and she'll respond hours later "oh, my cousin called to ask me a question" so idk. I know sometimes we video chat without saying much and that's fine but I feel some type of way when I am trying to have a conversation with her and she doesn't say anything. I am going to try to talk to her and hopefully she'll understand where I am coming from and we can just have an open conversation. In the meantime though, I am taking you guys advice and finding my own hobbies and just doing things that I've been wanting to do for the longest time.

[Nanii in reply to Hidden]

Good to read my (and other's) reply are helping you. After reading what you just mentioned I understand it a little better now, but it seems also quite delicate to me (the situation). Especially seeing she has her own mental problems, she can just be "she" and react different to things. Nevertheless, it's not nice if it makes you feel bad or worry. I think it might be good to ask why she puts the volume down regularily. Try to not ask in a demanding way, but to understand her reasons. When you find out, you can decide yourself if this is the way you want to call or not. If for you it's more important to have a bit more continuous conversation, but for her it isn't, maybe it's ok to call less frequent (the space DaddysGirl talked about), but when you call, it can be a bit more intensive. Just an example. Who knows, seeing she has abbandonment issues, it might be hard for her to clearly state her boundaries or might not even see them well. She's the only one who can tell you this, so yeah indeed try to talk with her in a mutual understanding way, making clear you are not attacking her or demanding something from her. Maybe it's just the way she is and after explanation you can rest your head a bit more in understanding. (This all still based on and assuming she, like she told you, really wants to stay friends with you).

Sidenote: people who read manga a lot tend to be introverted >_^

[Hidden in reply to Nanii]

I completely agree! I want to create a space where we can both talk to each other. It's just nerve-wracking because I don't want her to get defensive and I am not a confrontational person at all. I just don't want this feeling to continue.

[Nanii in reply to Hidden]

I can totally relate to that. I don't know if you already tried once, but you could litterally tell her something like "I want to understand you better, would you be willing to explain ..." or something. Be prepared to hear a no, like b1b1b1 said, which means she needs more space, doesn't know how to explain, find it hard to explain, annoying to explain etc. etc. Leave her be and do what suits you. Start a new hobby, whatever (which would be nice to do anyway). When at some point she's ready tot talk, you can still talk. If she says yes, you can have a fruitfull conversation. I hope it all ends well and you find either the sweet spot in your relationship or are able to find better ways in yourself to deal with this.

[Hidden in reply to Nanii]

Thank you so much!! I really appreciate all of your advice! I won't pressure or push her because I want everything to be comfortable!

[Nanii in reply to Hidden]

※Best Wishes※

[propjock]

So, you are observing that you put more into the relationship than she does (“one-sided friendship”), and that when you talk to her about pulling away, she gets defensive, and says that you’re the one pulling away. She likes things the way they are (“doesn’t want to lose me as a friend”), and you don’t (she disappears, and doesn’t stay in touch, even though you would like to and have said so).

How true are these statements?

We each know and have confirmed what we want from the relationship.

We have each said what we’re willing to invest in the relationship, and our actions are consistent with that.

What we each want, and what the other is willing to invest, line up pretty well.

We’re both committed to accepting the other and respecting each other’s choices about the depth of the relationship, even if they aren’t what the other would like.

This is an emotionally difficult talk to have. I avoid them, so I’m not judging.

Here’s a book that I think is pretty good.

goodreads.com/book/show/774...

I sure wish I had started learning this stuff when i was your age.

Don't expect more than either of you have to give. No person is enough to meet your needs, or mine, or anyone's.

[Hidden in reply to propjock]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate the book link! These statements are true. I would like for things to be different but I don't know where to start so that's why I thought I could get the opinion of you guys

[b1b1b1 in reply to Hidden]

You may just have to accept her as she is. I am not sure that having a long talk with her about your relationship is a good idea. I think she has already indicated a need for more space and time with her family. I know this sounds harsh, but you may not be the most important person in her life and must begin to develop your own interests and become far less dependent on her. When she is away there is no need to call or text her. If she turns the volume down it may be her way of indicating that she does not want to talk at that time.

[Hidden in reply to b1b1b1]

Thank you for responding! You don't think I should talk to her?

[b1b1b1 in reply to Hidden]

I don't think you should talk to her. I think it is likely to be an awkward and unsatisfying conversation and may leave you feeling worse.

[Hidden in reply to b1b1b1]

Hmm.. I'll definitely keep that in mind! What if I want to have an open conversation, where both of us could have that space to talk about how we feel about each other? Like I said, I know I am not the perfect friend. What do you think about that?

[b1b1b1 in reply to Hidden]

You are just trying to find different ways to have this conversation in the hope that you will get reassurance. You can certainly talk to her, but I would be prepared for an uncomfortable conversation which may likely not give you what you want.

[Hidden in reply to b1b1b1]

Okay.. I'll just wait to have that convo with her.

[Nanii in reply to Hidden]

b1b1b1 good to point those things out and give your opinion. If you, growingpains19, do decide to talk, it's indeed good to be prepared to hear something you might not like. That's also the thing about open conversation. It's not about what you want, but be open and honest on both sides and accepting of each other's feelings.

[Hidden in reply to Nanii]

Yes! I completely agree!

[propjock]

Nothing like free advice, worth every penny!😉

[Hidden]

Thank you so much, I truly appreciate your advice! I am going to try to talk to her about how I am feeling and hopefully the conversation will go well. If that doesn't work, I'll take the advice of someone who commented and make myself not so available to her and maybe she'll miss me enough to wanna reach out to me. If all fails, then unfortunately, there is nothing else I can do. I really don't wanna lose our friendship. I love her and she means a lot to me, after all she is one of my closest friends. Thank you again for your advice and the support! I hope you have a great day !!

[Married1978]

I feel like Covid had changed so many things. My best friend rarely calls anymore even tho the past we would share everything. Happy things, sad things, and disappointment.It hurts when someone withdraws from a relationship. She says she hasn't been out of the house for weeks. We make plans and she backs out.

As hard as it is on me, it is not all about me. (That's a tough one to accept at times). If I think about that it, it is possible she's having difficulty right now and pulling away to focus on something else.

Friendships can be as difficult as marriage. There are no rules on how to handle it. I imagine that being roommates must be hard right now. I agree with other responses that you need to back up and give her her space to work on whatever is going on with her. By the way, I don't tell my best friend everything as I'm sure she hasn't. I have previously explained my fear of abandonment. It is what it is and we can't change others, we can only control how it makes us feel.

[san_ray70 in reply to Married1978]

I have not seen my very good friend in nearly two years.She has had two knee ops. since Covid. If I ask when we are going to see her she gets annoyed. She goes to the doctor, dentist, hospital. She goes to the park, her husband drives her. I am longing for her to see every thing is okay as long as you take precautions.

[Married1978 in reply to san_ray70]

It's so hard to understand, but I know I'm bad when I get depressed. One time she came to my house because I wasn't answering. I don't know what's in her head

[Hidden in reply to Married1978]

Thank you for your advice! I really do appreciate it! I honestly don't know where her head is regarding our friendship but I am going to try to have an open and honest conversation with her. In the meantime, I am trying to give her space and do things that I've been wanting to do for myself!

[b1b1b1]

It seems to me that she is trying to let you know that she needs more space. It is not good to be so dependent on one friend. When she is gone for a week just let her be gone. Don't text or call. Instead use that time to try to make other connections or to do things that you enjoy. Do you have any idea why you have become so dependent on this particular friend, I hope you do not mind my asking.

[Hidden in reply to b1b1b1]

Thank you for responding! I think maybe it's because the only thing that's keeping me here (on earth) are my friends and my siblings (I am working on that but as of right now they are the only things). I don't see my other two friends because they live in a different state and I don't talk to my siblings that much because I didn't tell them about everything that has happened to me and they are pretty young, the youngest is 4. I only like to let my siblings see the happy and positive side of me instead of the vulnerable side. I am also the oldest so I feel like I had to show them that I have it together so that I can be somewhat of role model to them, I guess. I feel like I have become dependent on her because she's usually here with me. Like I said in my message, I've told her everything about me. She didn't make me feel judged or weird about everything that happened. It's just scary because I feel like I am losing her so I am trying to do everything I can to hold on..