Just got home and am already on critical. I feel like my sister hates me. I'm jealous

[Against_the_current]

I got home and I'm really anxious. My sister is being awful, yelling at me, ignoring me, telling me I'm being a victim, not wanting me at the concert that grandpa won't go to, and just gave me his ticket. I caught her secretly telling mom she was going to be with our half-sister, and she lied to me that she was going with friends and that dad wasn't going and was at work. I love her so much and she sees me as a cuckoo because our father's baby ruined me. That now I'm worried about mom, how she will go to work since we made a scandal for her before she left. And then with what eyes I will accuse her of drinking. And I ruined everything when I came here now. I'm sick and tired of what kind of interview I'm going to attend. I should have stayed, but I felt sick there. I felt sick there, and they are gone

[Starrlight]

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot and sounds so difficult. I’m sorry you are going through it but you will come out in the other side because you are so strong , you try so hard and you keep moving forward. Can you do something relaxing today? Something that can take you away from worries? For me it is going to my favorite park at sunset. What can you do that is good for you? You deserve everything good. 😌

[Against_the_current in reply to Starrlight]

Aw thanks. I need to just lay down under the AC and listen to music/watch TV/watch reels/game/read. I can't even eat and i haven't slept much. I took half a Clonasepam because i would have had a crisis and im sleepy with low blood pressure. It's hot. I'm waiting for my sister to shower (i can't turn on the AC while she's showering) and then her to go out. I need to keep myself from more impulsive acts because it gets worse. My mind is racing, trying to find a solution. I really got a lot - traveling, interview, searching for a therapist and a psychiatrist, busses all day in the heat and people arguing, changing from one miserable accommodation to another. I really need to just rest now and do something i like. God, im so tired i can't even game. Probably will have a walk in the evening if mom drinks but im sad that i have no friends and i just roam around the block like a circus pony. Sorry if it sounded negative. I really need to follow your advice

[Starrlight in reply to Against_the_current]

You’ve got it; relaxing will do you good. Shut off the world and it’s problems and do what you really WANT and what is best for you. I just came in from walking my dog and it did me good. It’s ok you can be negative if you need to get those feeling out and then focus on doing something positive to help you. Let me know how your day goes later? I think a walk is a good idea, and laying under A/C with music or a book or tv -perfect idea.

[Against_the_current in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you. I feel heavy because i got mad and impulsive and just told sis to sell the ticket. She even said "shouldn't you return the money to grandad? " And "im sad grandad didn't come". Well, he manages with the baby's consequences. Everyone was so busy with the baby that they left him alone with the farm and now he has a surgery. He can't see this baby ruined everyone in the family

[Alpakka123]

Hi AtC,

I'm sorry that it continues to be hard for you. Has your sister told you that she hates you? I do this all the time, btw, so you're not alone. I assume people feel this or that way about me when, in reality, how do I really know unless they either tell me or I ask them? A joke I had going with my therapist was that I've got to get out of other peoples' heads and into my own! I have my own head/brain for a reason. The last thing I need to be doing is borrowing someone else's!

Another point I wanted to bring up is to please stop blaming other's for your problems. I know it's hard. I got firsthand experience of this when I was abused. For a LONG time afterwards, I would tell others that her abuse was the reason for me feeling this and that. It's taken me a long time to learn that, while it's true that she made me feel totally devalued as a person, she didn't ruin me for good. I have the power to build myself back up. And I am doing just that!! The abuse is still recent enough that I can quickly slip back into blaming her for how I feel in the here and now, but I'm strong enough now to catch myself and quickly turn it back around and say "you know what? Yes, it was awful. And yes what she did was uncalled for and devastated me. But did she ruin my life? No, she didn't".

I hope this helps.

[Starrlight in reply to Alpakka123]

This is great. 👍 so empowering

[Alpakka123 in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks, Starrlight! Glad you like it. To say it's been Hellish for me is a massive understatement. The only "comfort" I have for this abuse now is to sadly know that I was just another victim (found this out in October of last year, and I did NOT take it well). This lady has apparently lied to me about some BIG things. Talk about having the wool pulled over your eyes! She's apparently hurt many, including her own family.

[Starrlight in reply to Alpakka123]

So sad isn’t it? 😢 Stay strong and take care of you however it looks to you.

[Alpakka123 in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks, Starrlight. It's incredible sad and completely mind boggling. I've tried so hard to understand her (doing this is part of being trauma bonded apparently). But it's been a waste of time. The only thing that makes sense about her is she makes no sense.It got so bad that I would tell my husband that I need her erased from my memory NOW. I even started googling "can you erase someone from your memory?" You can't and that's really tough. It would be so nice if you could, though.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

Hey Alpakka, you're allowed to be mad. Say "that person who abused me is a b*tch". You didn't deserve it and it traumatized you. As an expert on cptsd i can tell that if you're bringing it up, you're traumatized

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

You're right; I am still traumatized. I've been reading on how to break a trauma bond (which is what this is apparently). It's more than tough. The biggest lie she told me was that she used to be a family therapist. Well, that sure showed itself to be a lie. I told someone last October that she told me this, and the person just looked at me and said "Alpakka, she was never a therapist. She's done this before by giving herself qualifications she doesn't have". I remember feeling myself go white and having my hand fly up to my mouth while saying, "OMG! She's a monster!"

While finding out this was a lie was totally validating to my and my family's sheer confusion as to why she would treat me like this, it still hurt like Hell.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

It's crystal clear. After all i have two degrees on psychology but i never stop telling people I'm not liscenced to work with them or myself. And that's why im so stressed searching for a therapist. She IS a monster. You have a trauma bond. Alow yourself to be mad

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

Well, she's supposedly dying of cancer now. To say my feelings are everywhere is a MASSIVE understatement. Talked to my pastor about it today, and that helped. But still....yikes!

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

I don't like my head neither. I have right to be angry. It's not like im doing school sh0otings because i hate kids now. It's not like im Hannibal Lecture or something. I'm not the villain. Cognitive distortion mind reading. Ik it. I don't know what she thinks but i know how she acts. My life is ruined. And if someone dares tell me it's my fault. I didn't impregnate my stepmother. I'm angry, im pitying myself, i just need 3 litres of wine and I will be my mom (whoose life they also ruined. Grandma says it if you think im delusional. I'm allowed to grieve them ruining my mother). I'm sorry i reacted like that, I'm just hurt. I will consider a reality check but honestly doubting reality makes me feel even more insane. I have an app where i can write this thought and select it's "mind reading" and try to challenge it. I got triggered because my dad gaslights me, makes me doubt reality and always tells me to mind my business. Well, this is my business. I have no way of getting to the concert because dad will be driving my dosen of sisters. Once again it's a good advice and im sorry, you just hit two soft spots where my dad aimed whenever i was weak.

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

No need to apologize. I certainly didn't mean to trigger you, but since I did should be the one apologizing. I'm really very sorry. Thanks for telling me this so I know for next time. It seems as though we both get triggered very easily. Let's both go do something nice for each other. What will you do? I'm currently lying down and might take a nap.Once again, I'm very sorry.

[Starrlight in reply to Alpakka123]

You couldn’t have known. So much triggers me too.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

It's okay dear. After writing it i felt really bad. You were just trying to help. I was really mad, i sold the tickets and regretted it, i said things. But anxiety and depression di make us easy to trigger and it's healthy to communicate and identify our triggers. Most people are triggered and don't even know why. It takes a lot if self-awareness and courage. Thank you for your reaction. I was worried as many people have reacted "you don't want help, you just want to yap". I really appreciate your understanding. And finding and naming our triggers is important. Thank you for respecting my triggers ❤️

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

Thanks for this. It's relieving to hear. I totally get about feeling badly right after reacting to something, so you aren't alone there.You're welcome☺️ I actually need a break for today, so I'll be back on tomorrow (in my speak that means 5 minutes, btw. This site is very addicting). I'll try and follow my own advice now and break for the day. It's a beautiful one over here.

Ooh, would you like to see my carrots and cucumbers? I'll go take a picture now. And then I'll take a break.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

I'd love to see them

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

My carrots. I didn't think to count how many I sowed. I estimate there to be somewhere between 20 and 30 in here. I cover them at night so the deer don't partake of the free buffet.

90 degree angle Carrots

[Alpakka123 in reply to Alpakka123]

Ok, this is VERY annoying. Well, at least they're only at a 90 degree angle instead of a 180 (which they normally are when I post from my phone). I'll have to repost from my laptop.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

Amazing. A deer? So close? Woah. Never seen one

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

Yeah, they are amazing creatures! So graceful, too!

[Alpakka123]

There are 5 plants in here. They are ready to be staked, so I need to go buy some at the garden center tomorrow. I think they like t-bone steaks (my husband's joke is what kind of steaks they like)

90 degree angle Cucumbers

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

Cute. Wish i could have some plants