After two years of being a senior engineering leader, I was laid off due to elimination of overlaps. Looking back at my life, I’ve realized that I’ve slowly spiraled down with low confidence and anxiety that I’d ignored. Now, I’m unemployed with piles of bills, people I love that depend on me, a realization that my self-doubt has prevented me from connecting more and more over time with my partner of 7 years, and fear of losing everything that I love and care about. She lost her mom early this year, and we are both grieving, but she suffers in silence. She can’t take on my problems or help while she’s struggling. I have so many emotions and thoughts that I can’t seem to turn off. Was I lucky and my luck ran out? How can I take care of my family without destroying their lives? The negative thoughts flood in waves, and I find myself in a rollercoaster.
My leg won’t stop bouncing though I’m sleeping, exercising, and trying to change my mindset. I dry heave in bursts, and can’t focus well at all (this part has slowly taken hold over the years).
I’m talking to a professional, which helps temporarily, but my confidence is shot and my nerves are firing on all cylinders. I love my family, and don’t want to see them suffer because of my shortcomings. I also don’t want them to leave me. I try to not let them see me break down, so I head to a private space to break down. At least the panic attacks are done. My memory has gone downhill for the past seven years or so, and forgetting anniversaries hurts my partner deeply. Calendar reminders work, when things don’t change, but my relationship is at risk because of my flaw. I’m hopeful, I suppose, and don’t think about self or outward harm. I just wish I weren’t so weak. Fingers are crossed, and trying to stay grounded.
I’m not perfect as a family man, but I try. I don’t take pictures of us because I hate my appearance, and don’t want to sully my beautiful family memories. I moved my parents in with us to keep them off of the streets (long story) and my partner doesn’t get along with them well. I end up mediating and being ambassador, but that doesn’t always work when my parents say insensitive things. Another problem for another day...