Hi, all I am new here but I really have been struggling for quite some time. I am a college freshman. I was bullied very much in my elementary schooling so much that I had to transfer. Then in junior high, I met my best friend (or ex-best friend now). We had a lot of fun and did a ton of stuff together until she got a boyfriend midway through our freshman year of high school. We became distanced after that. Towards the beginning of my sophomore year in high school, I met a girl through sports who went to a different school than me and I thought would be in my life forever. 4 years later and she is still in my life, but things have changed. I continued to be bullied throughout highschool as horrible rumors were made up about me. I later got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I started going to therapy and seeing doctors about medication but 3 years later and I haven't felt any different. Due to all that highschool was a horrible experience, and I couldn't wait to get out of there hoping college would be so different because she was my only friend. I didn't have other friends but she did. So if I wasn't doing something with her, I wasn't doing anything at all but staying at home. I wouldn't say I was jealous but it bothered me that I didn't have other friends of my own. Now after going through my entire high school having a friendship like that we have both moved onto college. Our colleges are local and we both live at home so we never really sad goodbye but we got distant. She would never have time for me with all her new college friends she made. I didn't have the same experience though. I never seemed to find a group that I fit in with. I still have not. Even though she really has not treated me the best at all I don't have anyone else. She is the only person I text with every day. Other than that I have no one. I've tried getting involved at my school and nothing seems to work. I am on the college's volleyball team but my teammates all seem to gel and it feels like no matter how hard I try I will never make real quality friends. I have issues comparing myself to other people's experiences because I want to know what is wrong with me that I can't make friends. My depression and anxiety are still very bad. I find it difficult to sleep. My mind is always full of thoughts and I spend most of my day crying. I have committed self-harm as a way of distraction. Nothing seems to help I am so lonely. I feel like I have no one and the days blend togther because I wait all day to go to bed and hope the next day will be better but it never is. I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced anything like this because I can no continue to live this way. It's not living it's existing and I don't want to exist anymore.
I only have 1 friend and she isn't th... - Anxiety and Depre...
I only have 1 friend and she isn't that great of a friend
I'm lucky to have never been bullied before and I still don't quite get why someone would. I think I DO kind of understand what you're saying though and it just makes me feel awful. I've had bad friends in the past before and I'm forever glad they're not with me now. I empathize with you and wish I could help. I totally understand what you mean by existing not living, it really sucks.
Anyways, here's some advice you could maybe try next time you feel lonely: one thing I always like to do when I'm alone but don't feel like trying to talk to people is I just talk to my reflection in the mirror. It may seem weird but it really helps me sometimes. Or ranting into it or typing out all your fears worries and anger and such into a note and then deleting it afterward also really helps me to cool down sometimes.
And if you want advice with friends, I can't really help there since I've basically only talked to two this whole quarantine but ig I'd suggest talking to the other people that look sad and lonely or quiet. I've found that they're likely to talk to you and usually I haven't found them to be a close friend but at least a good one.
I wish you the best and hope you find some genuinely good friends 😊
Oh! Also music and YouTube help me a lot!
I will for sure try that! Thank you so much for he reply, I appreciate it 
Sounds like you're having a pretty rough time. I have a friend who self harms too, hes recently gone to the Drs and started meds. Hes now 3 months in and stopped self harming but he said it was a very hard decision to make but hes glad hes done it.
I think additional to that you need a bit of self love! Damn you're a strong person for going though all this! And how brave!
You should definitely give yourself some credit 
I've been a victim of bullying too, it sucks, but trust me it says more about them than you. Weak people bully the strong because they fear them, keep fighting xx
I appreciate the thoughtful words. I have no self love and that is a huge problem and I know that. My biggest feelings on it are if no one else loves me how do I love myself. I am working to overcome those feelings but I know it’s not an overnight thing.
It's not an overnight thing, you're absolutly right but please dont put the keys to your happiness in other peoples hands.
You have the keys and trust me it's hard but you can do it.
I came back from wanting to die, I was off work for a year before I was in the right place to start this self love.
I tell you what I started off doing. Even at the start when I really didn't believe it, in the morning when I woke up and just before I went to bed I looked at my reflection (in my eyes) and said "I love you, you are stong and you can fight though this". Eventually you start to believe it x
I was bullied in high school I had to change schools due to a move I was very popular to being bullied by half the new school due to some loser popular guy saying he had sex with me at a party. What he didn’t like was that I wouldn’t let him kiss me & told him to go back to his gf. You need some confidence and you said you’re on antidepressants right ? What if you had a dog or worked with horses? They’re very awesome. You learn it’s safe to love you really need to slowly build social contact I do too. I used to be very social. Do you go to church ? Maybe there’s an adult social group to go too. Sports is great but maybe you need more sharing activity. I think finding an interest rolling with it and just having fun. Maybe an art therapy group. I loved the one I went too it was good to open up together. I’m not shy socially except with men meeting their friends family scares crap outta me. Girls not so much. I get it
I have a dog and everyone knows he is the most important thing to me. Unfortunately, I’m missing that connection with humans. Now that it is summer my biggest fear is how long and horrible it will be. I don’t want to be alone the entire summer and I’m scared
Hi EHRO2 I'm very sorry to read about your being bullied in school
I was bullied in elementary school and H.S. then someone stuck up for me and the bully lost his target.
You have to realize God loves you and me and all people.
If you have time the you can listen to EmmaMae Jenkins on YouTube she loves God and people. And try to read some of the psalms in the Bible. People who struggled with fear, anxiety and depression. Also the you tube channel called Faraway Distance.
Remember you are precious and valued
by God please no self harm.
Love to you but remember God loved you enough to die on the cross for you
Best
I have tried to connect with Jesus and it has not been easy at all but I am working towards it and I hope that one day soon a relationship with him will click and I will feel that love
Ok. So with covid that adds some issues. Do you have meet up there? You could start a group or join one. You could start a morning coffee group with doing gratitude journals. Then next time you meet each other you talk about why you’re grateful for what you write. It could be daily or twice a week. In these times people are lonely & need to feel connected. Or a mindful meditation walk where you observe your surroundings or picnic in a park bring your dog and dog toys. Ideas
Thank you, I appreciate the support and I am willing to try anything so I will look into these.
It’s worth a shot these things can go well or not all but it helps and if others come they might have ideas that inspire the group. Any kind of start helps. Building a life. For me it was just going to a coffee shop seeing the clerks then getting to know me gaining a sense of belonging.
Hi Ehr!
Have you thought of volunteering for local animal groups like APL for the audubon society? You might be volunteering with some retired people in the latter but they are both good places and you probably use part of your skills set at both.
Having a passion for something (as you mentioned you loved your dog) can do alot of the heavy lifting when your in a new social situation.
Try not to think of needing friends when volunteering just think about the sweet animals you encounter. That should take some of the pressure off.
Good luck!
You sound like a good person worthy of a good friendship to me.
One other thought.
When I was in college I volunteered for a reading group. We went into pre schools and did various skits. They had me dress up as a bear in one of them. (Actually it was on a very serious topic "inappropriate touching") but I remember it was kind of freeing wearing that large costume, where my identity was completely concealed! (Though it was a little hot.)
Just keep an open mind. There's alot out there.
Just think of what you have to offer them. Classes you have taken,etc.
I've done alot of volunteering over the years and have usually been treated well in that environment .
People LOVE free labor. And if for some reason, someone is being a jerk, there's absolutely no reason to endure it. They don't deserve your great self!
I’m very sorry to hear of your experiences I got bullied at school by my friendship circle and I totally understand what you mean.you feel without her you have no one so will accept the little friendship that you have which is what I did .years later after finishing school I still have horrible nightmares from all the terrible things what happened not just my friendship circle but outside of it I even had one dinner break alone and I remember how awful it was and couldn’t wait to leave. I went onto college and had a good college life but experienced little bullying I later found that this bullying was through to jealousy I worked part time as a model for a very reputable company and I didn’t talk about it much but was very much bullied for how I looked and my mum and dad had separated and my dad spoiled me with material things new shoes ,trainers you name it.my mum took me away from my dad away from my friends I grew up with and took me to this new school where I was bullied I didn’t have a say in it as my mum suffered domestic abuse .I was a lively child which in a matter of months turned very quiet from watching the abuse of my mum and eventually I didn’t like to talk about all my accomplishments because I didn’t want to bring attention to myself but the older I got the more I stopped caring and asked myself why can’t I be me?why can’t people love me for me?i kept telling myself I need to move forward i had a little boy and still lived in the town where I was bullied I got belittled in front of him by my high school bullies years later after I’d left school and saw them in town.I told myself a leopard never changes it’s spots the only thing what helped me come to terms with the fact I was bullied is to move out of the town where it happened and I tell my brother please don’t invite me their I have bad memories.the area was toxic I lived in a rough area where gang violence is common my brother still lives there and experienced so much toxity too.can you speak to a parent?my parents didn’t know much about my bullying and they never let me move school .but you need to reach out to someone close to get support and believe it does get easier I don’t have many friends or anyone I trust now as people always assume I’m something that I’m not before getting to know me but I have a lovely family and children and last year managed a large business I know now that people value me and what I have to offer looks or otherwise sorry for long post I guess I’m venting on my own issue with bullies so sorry to take up your post
No don’t be sorry, I appreciate you sharing
Im really sorry you feel like self harming and everyday is not worth it ive been there.for me leaving school was the best day of my life and I still say that now when everyone was crying I had my own private party and was cheering !it meant nothing that I failed my exams. bullies told me if I worked to hard I was a swot I wanted to pass my exams but was then bullied for trying .I then got distinction grades which is the highest grades in college and went on to university and got a bachelors honours if you are at college you could just try making your main focus being your studies I found my true friends to be my teachers and they helped me a lot at lunch time instead of going out with friends I asked tutors to help me stay in the classroom and put my all into my studies I even had 3 months off due to pregnancy and still got the highest grades.
Wow! That is quite an accomplishment. I think for me my anxiety and depression of not having anyone distracts me from being able to study effectively
I can totally relate to the self harm as a self-harmer myself. I also know it's easier to give advise than it is to receive, and in saying that I do not think self harm is the way to go about it, however I also know it ain't easy to stop either. This would also be the result of disregard for ones self. Learning to love oneself is the first step.
Yeah anxiety and depression will always make you feel like you're not worth it or everybody hates you, just remember this is not true. It's just your brain playing a sick game with you.
As for the bulling, bullies will pick on others because they are insecure with themselves.
As for the friends thing, people can be nasty sometimes and forget that we are all human and have feelings. Honestly I would not let that upset you, I know it's not easy but right now work on loving yourself first and eventually everything else will fall into place.
Sometimes it's a thing of mind over matter. Just wake up every morning , look in the mirror and tell yourself one good thing about yourself. It doesn't only have to be about appearance.
Build up your self-esteem, do one thing for the day that you enjoy. Spend time with your thoughts (keep a diary) . Have those pep talks with yourself, even if you have to fight with your mind about it, now I know this sounds crazy but it helps.
Your story is similar to mine. Me an my friend had a bunch of great memories until she got her boyfriend. She started acting all jealous if I complimented him, although I didn't have any affectionate relationship with him. She then believed this jerk who always lies and told my friend the fakest crap. She believed it. I was just so fed up that during lunch, I just walked away. I made friends but I see that a lot of people have it worse. This community will always be here for you, but just know that you will make friends somehow. No one else is like you. The people who bully you are shallow and the only way to fill up their satisfaction is by hitting and speaking trash about people. In your current state, try finding things that will help you be more confident. Being more confident will make you more approachable and let you be able to make friends easier. Or just try talking with you partners or help from a family or your guardian.
EHR02 welcome. I want to thank you for sharing. I know that wasn't easy. you are never alone on here. Here is a huge hug of comfort and love and peace of mind my friend. here if you want to talk. I also have depression/anxiety. I have overcome 3 deep depressions in my life already and I totally relate. it is a process and we must be patient with ourselves. I try different ways to help me get thru the day. what do you do? try shower, drinking water, aroma therapy, soothing music, writing a journal, read a book, play an instrument, learn something new.
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