Dealing with Depression

[beanz28]

So I didn't realize but I have been dealing with depression since i was 16, i unfortunately have African parents so they never really understood what I was going through, they only cared that I had good grades. Plus my mom was super Christian so she would pray all the time but it only ever really felt invalidating to how i felt about myself. I was also a huge nerd, watched anime and listened to kpop and a lot people foind me weird. I was fortunate enough to have a therapist for a couple months in high school which helped me feel a lot better, but due to inadequate resources(public school) i had to stop therapy. I ended up going to college, where therapy was available, unfortunately because of the stigma around mental disorders i never really shared how i was feeling with people. People noticed i was sad a lot but i just would say i was tired. I didn't want other people to judge me and think i was weak. So i didnt seek help. I was a bio major and thought i wanted to become a doctor. As the years went on my depression got worse, i stopped going to class and started doing really poorly. When my parents found out they blamed me and the other adults in my life were disappointed in me and i had a lot of shame and guilt, i thought there was something wrong with me and suffered in silence because i thought all i need to do is go to class and study, but i still struggled. I ended up graduating with a degree in biology but I broke down that day, it was not a happy moment for me. None of my friends attended my graduation and I had just broke with my boyfriend because I had no idea what was going with me and I loved him but I was tired of him seeing me struggle so much. Fast forward, i have tried and failed to get help, but recently i started seeing a therapist and it has been helping. unfortunately im still blaming myself for not getting help sooner and i feel like its all my fault. Im sorry this post is so long but i feel like i had to write this to help me validate how im feeling in this moment.

[Starrlight]

I hear you. It’s not your fault. And besides the past is the past and we must move forward. I also was having depression at age 15 and I could blame myself because I started doing hurtful things to myself and acting out with bad behavior but I don’t get down about it as I did what I could do at that time with what I knew. You must be really smart- I mean going through such depression and still passing school is hard! How are you feeling these days? How are you today?

[beanz28 in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you for saying such kind words, I definitely needed to hear that. Some days are harder than others, i live with my parents still which can be a struggle at times, but therapy has been helping a lot and ive just been trying to stay positive and not blame myself and like you said the past is the past its not like i can change it, all i can do is move forward 😁

[Starrlight in reply to beanz28]

You sound great! Keep up the good work. Yes all we can do is try to keep positive look for help when we need it and do our best.

[Thankfulforhelp22]

This is a good place to let out your feelings. There are a few things you mentioned that ring true with me. I did not find out about my anxiety issues until I was in my 40’s. I just came to believe I was like a broken machine, unable to do what others found easy. I also blamed myself. Finding out that I was not “bad” and was really battling mental illness changed my view of myself over time. It is still underway. I know there are many folks out there both young and old who feel they are bad, who feel shame, who feel like failures, who don’t know why they suffer and struggle. They are unaware that just like a physical health problem, they have a mental health problem that needs treatment and care. It hurts my heart to think about it because I know what it’s like.

We all need help in some way. Mental health is not looked upon in the same way as physical health, unfortunately.

I’m so thankful for the help I’ve received.

Praise God.

[beanz28 in reply to Thankfulforhelp22]

I'm so glad to hear you that you are receiving help and it really helps to hear everyone's story because i realize i am not alone. I definitely wish mental health was seen the way physical health is 😢

[Sylvain-]

Hi, Beanz28.

Your story is sooooo close to mine! Try to take some time to search for my previous posts. You will see what I mean: Lifelong depression (in my case, since early childhood, as far as I remember), demanding parents (and demanding self), feeling off at school because of different interests (and being bullied for that), being successful at school but failing 99% of the time in the other area (social, professional, romantic), having sad and lonely graduation (and life in general) and of course, feeling guilty and blaming myself for all that has gone wrong in my life.

Even if my mind convinced me for a very long time that I was the only one broken like that, it appears those feelings are not uncommon. And undoubtedly wildly shared among the nice people on this forum! That is the most important thing I learned by joining in.

I will give you the usual advice that you will need help from a trained therapist. From what I understood, you have already realized from previous experiences how helpful it could be.

Unfortunately, besides that, I am not sure I can offer you practical help: I still struggle daily with depression, and I didn't find a way to get through it. But you are young, and the odds are on your side. So keep your courage, and don't hesitate to post here: I found it surprisingly helpful to write about my problems, and there is always someone of goodwill to read and answer you.

[beanz28 in reply to Sylvain-]

Thank you so much! I definitely have a gained a lot of awareness, but i still have a long way to go and im just trying to tackle life one day at a time 😁

[Sylvain- in reply to beanz28]

You are welcome, Beanz28. You seem to have adopted a very wise attitude—definitely an encouraging sign. Congratulations.

Don't hesitate to post or answer other people's posts. For me, writing here is a relieving experience. And it breaks my loneliness.