I think my mother is some type of a sociopath and i will never recover and be able to function like a normal person

[Against_the_current]

Hope it's just my anxiety. But i talked to her on the phone and she repeated same stuff, triggered me, was ridiculous, manipulative, self-pitying.I will never recover. I am broken. What i did to deserve a psychopath mother? After every call from family, im left crying and thinking how rotten my place is. I need family and they just ruin me. I need doctors and they just ignore me. I don't want her to be sick. I need to grow up so i don't need her but im traumatized from her sickness and i can't function. My brain is like minced meat. And nobody understands this. For 3 years nobody understood this, nor family, therapists, teachers... Only the brokers to use it against me

[SoporRose]

At some point, in my opinion, you are going to have to find a way to break away from your family, to move away, to limit the phone calls and the visits. I know you're not ready to do this yet, but I hope your therapist will be willing to help you start exploring how you can free yourself from the poisons your family keep infusing into your life. It sounds as if your mother is the worst.

But I think you can do this. I know you'll never get to be the person you could have been if you had had a loving family, and that is tragic, but your brain is still forming and the sooner you get away, the sooner you'll be able to get some perspective and breathe. Your grades are very good, no? Look into scholarships. Most universities are happy to help with that search because it looks good for them when their graduates merit scholarships. You might be able to get a full-ride somewhere. Don't discount universities outside Bulgaria. There are weird, oddly specific scholarships out there and you might be able to find one for people dealing with trauma from family or who want to combine psych and art or psych and gaming or psych and marketing. It will take some research and perseverance, but you've shown that you are a hard worker. You might not be able to take advantage of a scholarship right away, but it might help you to know that they're out there as you take time to figure out your next move.

It is terribly ironic that only the brokers understand how fragmented you are. Might your dad be willing to deal with the brokers for you to find you a better place? I hate to say it, but an older person who is male and a doctor is much less likely to get jerked around than you are.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thanks. It's sad that my brain is still forming and i got this amount of damage. Im almost 23 and it end at 25 and im scared i will forever be broken. Dad would probably get me the cheapest place. He doesn't know some places and locations trigger me. If only i had a friend to come and help me

[Montana136]

Hello against the current, you did not deserve a sociopathic/psychopathic mother. But it is your lot in life and you have to face that she is sick and it is not your fault. It is NOT your fault!! ❤️ If your family ruins you and leaves you crying then you do have to make a decision for your better mental health if they are good for you. They may not be good for you. You may have to learn how to detach and move forward on your own. It is very scary especially if your family is your main support system. But truly, they are not supportive if you're always crying when you're done talking to them. The only person you can help in this whole scenario is you. Maybe go online and find a group that has discussions about trauma, read books, if you have health insurance maybe try and find a new doctor to talk to that does not have anything to do with your family. Can be therapy options I do not know much about your country but I see you have the internet and this platform right here right now is a good good place to start. Keep posting you will find encouragement and strength in the words of others. 😃✌️

[Against_the_current in reply to Montana136]

Thank you. Yeah, it's really hard especially that i lost all my irl friends because "im always talking about my trauma and being anxious" . Im just left alone with nobody to talk and only family and they call somethimes. I'm trying and getting the most out of the internet, it's my lifeline

[Montana136 in reply to Against_the_current]

Yeah I don't have many friends either. I really isolated myself for many many years. My best friend moved out of town. I have kind of been the opposite of you I did not share my pain with my family and friends I tried really hard to hide it not always possible but I really put an effort into it. I think that our friends and family just simply cannot relate to how we feel. They do not understand and when you talk to them about your difficulties it can be overwhelming to them, they think they know to how to help and they see that their advice doesn't seem to work for you and they get frustrated or they don't know how to help at all, so they avoid it and ultimately avoid you. At least some of them do. I guess we need to find balance. I've only recently been trying to express my depressive feelings with certain family members and certain friends but I still am very conservative about how much I share and what I share. If you put yourself out there in a safe way you will find more friends I can too. Take care of yourself and be well thank you for sharing with me. You can really honestly express yourself on this platform and get helpful feedback. it feels really really good. keep posting.

[Against_the_current in reply to Montana136]

Thanks. Im not even isolating. Just nobody understands me. I don't have classes, i don't have a job. I don't see people

[Montana136 in reply to Against_the_current]

Hellu against the current,I know your people in your life don't understand you. I have had problems to this very day with my mother and my best friend. My best friend describes me as selfish and that is only maybe 20% true the other 80% is depression which is a mental illness. she's been my best friend for 30 plus years and she still does not get it. they just do not get.it no matter how many visuals or explanations or information I give them. We understand here, we are here for you here. We understand we know what it feels like. You do not have to convince us. Things can get real crappy sometimes.You mentioned you were not isolating but you do not go to class you do not have a job and you do not see people. To me that sounds like isolation whether it's of your own creation or by some other means. Isolation and too much time in your own head can be very unpleasant even damaging. I don't know your position exactly but you must find something to occupy your mind whether it's creative art music going to the public library go anywhere to get out. I find reading information on the internet about mental illness about shame about guilt whatever emotion I'm feeling I look it up and read articles. I used to be able to read multiple books at a time but my anxiety is such that I cannot do a book anymore so the articles have to be short. But I'm doing it! Take a small step a baby step and do something for yourself. Sip a cup of tea sip a cup of coffee take a relaxing bath or watch a movie. Give yourself some time to rejuvenate. One of our companions on this platform ask me to keep in touch with you. While she is occupied with some of the things that she needs to take care of for herself. So I am reaching out although I do not read this website every single day I will make a point to check for you. You can send me a personal chat or just reply to this post. However you prefer and if you prefer not to that's okay too. Take care of yourself be well you are very important!! ❤️🍄✌️🌈

[Montana136 in reply to Against_the_current]

Hello at, I just wanted to check on you and see how you were feeling today.? I hope you're still logging on to this platform. I know you're feeling broken hearted and alone but you're not. We may not be in the room with you but we are here. I want you to remember that it is difficult for those outside of these problems to understand. It's hard to know who to trust. You are Not alone even though you feel like it. I am coming out of a severe depressive episode where I could not get off the couch. I wasn't combing my hair I wasn't showering I wasn't communicating with others I was isolating myself. All I did was try to watch TV to distract my mind from all the pain I was experiencing in my heart and mind. I finally got so sick and tired of being sick and tired and depressed that I got up off the couch one day and I cleaned something in my house. I'm sure I did not clean a very big item but it was something. Then I sat back down on the couch. I tried to be kind to myself and not expect too much out of myself tried not to overwhelm myself with thoughts it was very difficult. The first day I only got off the couch once. A couple days later I got off the couch two or three times in a day and cleaned two or three things. And then I sat back down. I gave my permission to myself to relax. Eventually and now 6 months later I'm in a paid part-time job training program different thoughts are coming to my mind instead of just sad negative ones more positive ones are coming to my mind. It is a slow process it is a daily do something small for yourself daily process. But it can be done. I'm doing it. I have very very sad days still but more and more of them are getting to be good. And I am so grateful for that. Just checking on you take care of yourself respond if you can be well. ❤️✌️🌈

[Against_the_current in reply to Montana136]

Thank you. Really needed to hear that. Feeling so alone and hopeless. Having the same depressive episode, laying in bed with the tv on for background noise, not seeing anyone (nobody invites me to hang out anymore), not having energy... It's so difficult and lonely. Thank you, needed this

[Montana136 in reply to Against_the_current]

Hello atc, thanks for responding. I know what it feels like to just lay around with the TV on for like some kind of company and not having energy. Feeling lonely. It seems in my world that pain motivates me so when I become so distressed and overwhelmed that TV doesn't even distract me anymore is usually when I start taking small pieces of action. I had a therapist tell me just do one thing that feels good for yourself. Draw a picture, paint your nails, read an article about depression or anxiety or whatever might interest you at the moment. I used to be able to read very large books but now I'm down to small articles because of anxiety. But I'm getting better. Maybe start visualizing how you might be able to make a new friend or get involved in some kind of small social activity. Tried to accumulate ideas I mean I literally had to start with making eye contact with the grocery clerk when I bought my groceries. Then I started saying hello how are you. I took as many baby steps as I was comfortable with. Literally pat yourself on the back even for the tiniest success. Keep piling and accumulating little successes. Write them down on a piece of paper and keep it somewhere where you can read it regularly. I wrote a note with some qualities about myself that I do think are good. I'm creative I'm polite I'm helpful I'm intelligent things like that. I put little messages in my drawers so that when I open a drawer I get like a reminder note that says hey this is a good thing to think about, remember when I did this, oh yeah I need to check that off my to do list. These are just some suggestions that I started with. I have literally been going in and of episodic depression for 8 years now. I have had success at reducing and managing depression before. So I try to dwell on that. Think good thoughts about yourself give yourself a break be your own best friend this is what I'm actually practicing regularly for a few months now. Take care of yourself be well. You are valued you deserve some happiness and joy some social interaction with others. Go get it

[Against_the_current in reply to Montana136]

Thank you. And glad you have progress. I appreciate the advice but i feel like nothing brings me joy anymore and even if it does im either restricted of doing it or don't have enough space, money or energy. Im always fatigued. And when i decide to do steps i overdo it, rush and obssess and mess it up. Like finding a job and an accommodation

[Montana136 in reply to Against_the_current]

I recognize the presence of not having joy. I used to be a creative crafty individual. Sitting down to even draw a picture with any kind of color is not even appealing to me anymore. I know about lethargy and fatigue not being able to move get anything done even the insignificant stuff. I think if you're in that phase put your hand on your heart and tell yourself something that is positive something that is loving. I tell myself that I will love myself no matter what. When I first did this exercise the words did not mean anything but I kept doing it hand on the heart I love myself. I did it as often as I could think about it which really wasn't very much in the beginning. I recognize where you're at. Sometimes just going through the sadness and the anxiety is all you can do.. keep reading on this platform as much as you can. try to post. these tiny little steps that you can do from the couch or the bed. Add up after a while it does take time. No doubt about that it takes effort.Last week I found out that my daughter was going to visit my best friend for mother's day. Which is today. I was devastated I cried for like 4 days. I felt left out I'm at a face in my life where I really need my daughter on mother's day. But honestly they really don't know that or even understand it. Today is a conflicting day for me I am trying very hard not to dwell on the fact that my daughter probably will not even call me today on the phone. I am going to spend time with my mom and I am going to focus on her and me my mom today. Then I'm going to come home and probably be alone and watch a movie. There is a sad overtone to today but mostly I feel fairly okay. It's up to me how my day goes really. I hope I have offered you it was something of value please be compassionate to yourself even through lethargy fatigue whatever emotion you may experience. I am so glad that you responded to me. A mutual Community member messaged me and asked me to support you she was worried or he. That right there is something you could be really grateful for. People care even if we don't know you personally we relate we care. Try to have a good day and I'm around if you need me. Take care of yourself and be well. ❤️🌻✌️

[TangledUpIn]

I just wanted to add that I understand very clearly what you are saying, I'm sorry that others don't understand.

[Against_the_current in reply to TangledUpIn]

Thank you

[Nothingnoted]

Im so sorry, Atc. I agree with Sr andMontana. I will keep you in my prayers everyday. You do not deserve a mom like that one important thing is you always have to put yourself first okay just remember you are important and you have to look out for you and no one else because I know you're really important to us here

[Against_the_current in reply to Nothingnoted]

Thank you so much Gg

[melissalaurean]

Hi mama, I know exactly what this feels like. My mother is mentally ill and projects all of her insecurities and anger onto her children. I know what it likes to feel helpless because I had little control of my life. This can lead to you feeling like your future will look like this. The first step is to get some of that control back and continue to try and find the therapist right for you. It took me a couple years but still I am glad I did not give up. I am seeing a therapist now and on the first session she expressed that maybe my mother is not a narcissist but just grew up different and expressed love in a different way. The only thing we can do is create boundaries and walk away yet still communicate that you will no longer tolerate that behavior from them. Also my therapist said that accepting them the way they are especially if they are unwilling to change will give you room for you to heal. You are young and have many beautiful experiences ahead of you. I do promise if you continue to not give up, the opportunities to life continue to show up for you! DO NOT LET YOUR MOM DICTATE YOUR LIFE & EMOTIONS. Stay strong, sending light and love.

[Against_the_current in reply to melissalaurean]

Thank you, im crying. I feel like my life is taken away. At least i see im not the only one with sick mother

[melissalaurean in reply to Against_the_current]

You're welcome! You're definitely not. I am glad you see that, that's a new perspective added! The older you get you'll gradually take more control on your life.

[Against_the_current in reply to melissalaurean]

Thanks. Hope so

[Montana136 in reply to Against_the_current]

Try reading about the grief process. It sounds to me like you're grieving over the loss of the love and possibilities you could have had. That is actually what I need to do I need to grieve the loss of my childhood I was made to take care of the house and my little brother at a very young age. And still go to school full-time and do my homework and keep an A B average. So I did not really get to experience a childhood. I grieve for the little girl I once was so maybe I need to read up on grief some more so that I can be done with it. Just a suggestion a thought an idea. Take care of yourself be well

[Lazy_dog_lover]

I can hear how frustrated you are. Unfortunately, the understanding of mental health is very limited, globally. I even feel that older generations have a harder time understanding it because they were expected to never complain about it and never talk about it. It does not surprise me. That does not make it easier, though.

If you are not getting the support from your family that you want, why do you keep asking for it? You can still be a family. You just have very different perspectives and needs and experiences. Save your feelings for someone who you know will accept you and understand what you are going through. It might be a therapist, an online group like this one, a friend, or a partner.

If you honestly think that mom is a psychopath, there is no way she CAN change to put your needs first. It is her biology. Grandma also has lived with your mother's personality. She was harmed by that relationship. I, obviously, do not know all of the family dynamics. You are asking for something from people who are incapable of giving it. And this, is like grieving a loss. You are in charge of changing yourself and cannot change the others. THAT is the ever-present conflict between generations, siblings, significant others, governments, school leaders and students, etc.

It took me many, many years of suffering and playing victim. I blamed everyone around me and could not even identify what I really needed or what my original trauma was. I have studied books, listened to audiobooks, watched videos from the experts, been in and out of therapy, and on/off medications. I needed to understand before I could accept and even perceive change.

Do not give up on yourself as you distance yourself from your family in regards to your mental health. You will find a safe place. You will find a safe person. Gather the tools you need to start moving forward instead of hanging onto the past.

I wish you peace.