I thought this wouldn't bother me to this amount that i write a post about it but i guess it does cause here i am on my whole being upset loop again - at 3am, making tea, eating chocolate, writing posts, taking meds, trying to think where is the line between overthinking or gaslighting myself, worrying with a reason or overthinking or trying to rationalize. So i was thinking since my friends say im too much, negative, annoying and so, and don't care about my problems. And my family not only doesn't care about my problems but causes them. I now live alone. Do therapy but it's not enough. Am severaly traumatized from drinking mother and dad's baby, worried about sis, losing her, her growing up, i can't be with her because she lives with mom, worried she sees me as my anxiety, worried about her own mental health. Being judged and rejected everywhere. That's why I don't want to talk with grandparents any more. So no communication at all. And i wake up at midnight with nightmares,acid reflux, ptsd, paniced and scared and need someone to talk to. I hate how humans are social animals, rejection hurts on physical level as we evolved as rejection means endangered survival. I feel like im in a social suicide or murder. So i rely on the internet. Especially with covid and my social anxiety. The thing is that i hate myself for this coping strategy because people on the internet only hurt me more. I was on my social media and recently been having message requests like "hi, how are you" and i be like "I won't respond" but then anxiety hits, it's midnight and im thinking what if mom's drunk and abusing sis and im able to feel it, and tears want to come out but they can't, and i reply "hi, struggling tbh". And the person tries to help, i get more comfortable and then "send pic". 😑. And because im already dependant on them and scared of being ABANDONED again, i try to take some selfie that i stress over a lot, trying to look normal. And after that they leave at some point. And my head starts making scenarios. Like "do they have someone better to talk to", "were they here only to prey on me", "was it all to take my little silly heart and break it while im already struggling" and i hate myself for it. And the worst is no matter what i try - therapy, meds, tea, chocolate, drawing, yoga, meditations, breathing, reading, sports, walks (sometimes i do all in the same night) nothing helps, only someone else giving me attention. I hate it. Why can't i study or sleep instead of venting to people online and then feeling bad when they leave or worrying they will get someone else or being a victim of their idk? I hate it. Im so stupid but i can't help it. Everyone in my country always silences me and i need to be heard. I need to be treated as a human being. Not like a robot, in my tiny room, alone. Im a human, i need human connection, fresh water, fresh food, space to live, to be treated with dignity. I don't have even drinkable water, i have to pay for mineral and carry 10 litres every 2 days. At least if someone doesn't want to stay committed to me, to never take advantage of my traumas. That are really bad traumas. I don't know how you guys don't get tired of listening to me talking about dad leaving and mom getting alcoholic and rotting alive. I hate that these two actions led to me needing all sort of help, no matter the price. One day i will sell my soul, to save my soul. I hate what trauma has done to me. What ongoing trauma is doing to me. What my family is doing to me. What my society is doing to me. And how much im sinking and sinking. And how nobody cares. My two therapists don't do anything. My psychiatrist, even though it's probably the best psychiatrist in this damned by God country, does nothing. I changed many psychologists and psychiatrists. My family doesn't care. My friends don't care. My university doesn't care. My social system don't care. They won't care untill they see my corpse. Im tired of my sickness, it's getting worse. I can't sleep at night, i sleep all day. Im absolutely unproductive. I can't write my exams. I can't work. Im dizzy and nauseous. Im suicidal. Im having nightmares. And flashbacks. And intrusive thoughts. What if mom's drunk rn and abusing sis? And if the social systems get her, sis won't survive there, and mom will be broken and probably drink to death. All escape from that is chats with straingers. But sometimes it brings more pain. And then guilt
So this guy was disappearing for months. Came back from nowhere and was really eager to text me and then out of nowhere desided to go to sleep. Im doubting it, probably found someone more interesting. Maybe had a gf and she left him and tried to replace her but she texted and he retrieted(my thoughts).And this is triggering my insecure inherited by mom demons. (Before dad left she was really jelaous)
