I thought this wouldn't bother me to this amount that i write a post about it but i guess it does cause here i am on my whole being upset loop again - at 3am, making tea, eating chocolate, writing posts, taking meds, trying to think where is the line between overthinking or gaslighting myself, worrying with a reason or overthinking or trying to rationalize. So i was thinking since my friends say im too much, negative, annoying and so, and don't care about my problems. And my family not only doesn't care about my problems but causes them. I now live alone. Do therapy but it's not enough. Am severaly traumatized from drinking mother and dad's baby, worried about sis, losing her, her growing up, i can't be with her because she lives with mom, worried she sees me as my anxiety, worried about her own mental health. Being judged and rejected everywhere. That's why I don't want to talk with grandparents any more. So no communication at all. And i wake up at midnight with nightmares,acid reflux, ptsd, paniced and scared and need someone to talk to. I hate how humans are social animals, rejection hurts on physical level as we evolved as rejection means endangered survival. I feel like im in a social suicide or murder. So i rely on the internet. Especially with covid and my social anxiety. The thing is that i hate myself for this coping strategy because people on the internet only hurt me more. I was on my social media and recently been having message requests like "hi, how are you" and i be like "I won't respond" but then anxiety hits, it's midnight and im thinking what if mom's drunk and abusing sis and im able to feel it, and tears want to come out but they can't, and i reply "hi, struggling tbh". And the person tries to help, i get more comfortable and then "send pic". 😑. And because im already dependant on them and scared of being ABANDONED again, i try to take some selfie that i stress over a lot, trying to look normal. And after that they leave at some point. And my head starts making scenarios. Like "do they have someone better to talk to", "were they here only to prey on me", "was it all to take my little silly heart and break it while im already struggling" and i hate myself for it. And the worst is no matter what i try - therapy, meds, tea, chocolate, drawing, yoga, meditations, breathing, reading, sports, walks (sometimes i do all in the same night) nothing helps, only someone else giving me attention. I hate it. Why can't i study or sleep instead of venting to people online and then feeling bad when they leave or worrying they will get someone else or being a victim of their idk? I hate it. Im so stupid but i can't help it. Everyone in my country always silences me and i need to be heard. I need to be treated as a human being. Not like a robot, in my tiny room, alone. Im a human, i need human connection, fresh water, fresh food, space to live, to be treated with dignity. I don't have even drinkable water, i have to pay for mineral and carry 10 litres every 2 days. At least if someone doesn't want to stay committed to me, to never take advantage of my traumas. That are really bad traumas. I don't know how you guys don't get tired of listening to me talking about dad leaving and mom getting alcoholic and rotting alive. I hate that these two actions led to me needing all sort of help, no matter the price. One day i will sell my soul, to save my soul. I hate what trauma has done to me. What ongoing trauma is doing to me. What my family is doing to me. What my society is doing to me. And how much im sinking and sinking. And how nobody cares. My two therapists don't do anything. My psychiatrist, even though it's probably the best psychiatrist in this damned by God country, does nothing. I changed many psychologists and psychiatrists. My family doesn't care. My friends don't care. My university doesn't care. My social system don't care. They won't care untill they see my corpse. Im tired of my sickness, it's getting worse. I can't sleep at night, i sleep all day. Im absolutely unproductive. I can't write my exams. I can't work. Im dizzy and nauseous. Im suicidal. Im having nightmares. And flashbacks. And intrusive thoughts. What if mom's drunk rn and abusing sis? And if the social systems get her, sis won't survive there, and mom will be broken and probably drink to death. All escape from that is chats with straingers. But sometimes it brings more pain. And then guilt
So this guy was disappearing for months. Came back from nowhere and was really eager to text me and then out of nowhere desided to go to sleep. Im doubting it, probably found someone more interesting. Maybe had a gf and she left him and tried to replace her but she texted and he retrieted(my thoughts).And this is triggering my insecure inherited by mom demons. (Before dad left she was really jelaous)
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I can't speak for the others, but I'm not tired of listening to you. Tbh I would be if I wasn't in the same kind of severe emotional pain. I've been in severe emotional pain ever since my mom passed in August 2021. It's waxed and waned; yesterday evening it was back with a vengeance. I know where you're coming from (venting-wise and being worried that people are sick of hearing me blabber on and being sick of hearing myself blabber on and hating myself for it and wanting to get back to where I don't think about this and my brain not letting me and just AARRGGHHH!). I get it! And you're right. It HURTS. It HURTS so much that my entire being and why I'm here come into question. Whether others really want me here comes into question. I don't know; for all I know people could just be saying things to make me feel good on the surface when in reality they think I'm a menace to society. I am freaking paranoid. So paranoid as to think that everyone at my church knows about my sub-psychosis and now hates me and is scared of me. I am deathly afraid of them having ceased to think of me as a person in grief and instead see me as a emotional nutcase who lost it and wrote my friend telling her to kill herself, calling her a bitch, telling her to die and that everyone would be happy if she did, telling her that no wants wants her here, etc. I didn't do it on purpose, yet she spun it in such a way as to make me out to be the bad guy. We figured out later that she is a covert narcissist, and, by doing what I did, I had inadvertently caused her to shed her mask and show her true nature. She not only played a part in my sub-psychosis happening (I am not condoning what I wrote; I am just saying that she helped drive me to it), but once it happened she used it against me in a way that I describe as psychological rape. It's freaking unfair. It happened a year ago and I'm still thinking of it and I wish I wasn't and I'm tired of myself for it and I hate myself for it and I feel utterly embarrassed when I catch myself rehashing it. I was back in my trauma yesterday evening. I thought my head was going to explode. Tbh I wish it had so I didn't need to keep thinking about this.
So, I am not tired of you because I'm in the same kind of thing. I think it was one of your first posts here that had every other word as a swear word. Others weren't happy. How do I know? Because I talked to one of those people who wasn't happy. I told this person that, while uncomfortable with the amount of 4-letter words being used, I understood where you were coming from. I remember telling you that Norw was replaced by Freddy Krueger in my diary entries. I told you I was f-ing mad at the world (and this was even before the psychosis fiasco).
Thank you for being here Norw. You understand. And to me you're not a villain or the bad guy. Narcissists do make us feel and look like the bad guys. My mom, that girl from university. The story with her is similar to the story with the woman from the church. It's a shame such person is in the church. Narcissists gaslight to avoid responsibility and here we are thinking we are the bad guys for them to get away. But we're good people that's why we doubt. I can say i have so much supressed trauma, emotions and thoughts that if i don't describe them verbally(and with strong words which only show my desperation), i will get psychosomatically ill and slowly die. People who go through pain, understand pain, i agree
You're welcome and thank you very much for your words! Yes! Yes! And YES!!! You are SO right!!! We NEED to get all this out or else it feels like we will go crazy!And yes! We are both good people who have been made to feel like the bad guy, like we did something wrong. Although I did do something wrong in my case, I certainly didn't deserve the sh*tty treatment I got from this person in return. That was the narcissistic part.
The first time my therapist mentioned the words "narcissistic traits" to describe what kind of person I had forged a friendship with, I left her office feeling like I had been punched in the stomach.
One of the biggest things I'll be working on this year is building up my self-esteem, steeling myself from what I think others might think of me, being okay with not knowing what others might think of me, and being okay with having no acknowledgement whatsoever from her that she hurt me.
I don’t have any advice or insight or anything, but I really enjoyed reading your post. You have a great writing voice and I identified with your situation. My mom’s an alcoholic and I worry about my younger siblings. She’s gotten two duis with them in the car. And I hate the world today how everything is robotic and reliant on machines and screens and it’s hard to truly connect with human beings without cold metal technology between us. And I too feel dizzy and nauseous and suicidal and traumatized and nothing is helping. But somehow…reading your post is helping. I feel like somewhere out there is someone who gets it. Someone cool.
Aw thank you. I do get it. And thank you for saying im cool, really helped me. Glad i could help. I know this feeling of nothing being able to help. Of drowning and having an alcoholic mother and younger siblings you worry about. I miss my sister and maybe I won't be able to live with her like before. And she's gonna grow up. And we won't play together. Worried about her mental health as well. And nothing is helping. But you did. Know you aren't alone
Hello dear I can relate with a lot of your problems even though some seem more intense than what I've experienced in life I believe I can be a conversational punching board for you I will try that's all I can promise we have some similarities in our lives that are undeniable your environment as far as where you live is the biggest difference between us and our age I am 55 and I lived until I was nearly 47 years old before I learned I was living my life with clinical depression and anxiety had no idea that I had something that would make me different from the social normalGet back to me if you like I'm rather busy at this point in my life too much to write about here but I pray for you and I wish the best for you
Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of guts to get on these forums at times. I appreciate your journey and fully empathize with your situation. I am a 43 year old Mom of three, on my third marriage and found out last year that my medical diagnosis was life ending. I was glad to get answers, but the real power came in the freedom of knowing my path. In my 20s I was a very social creature, out and about. Thrilled to be an adult and supporting myself. First husband crashed and burned in a year...he stole money. Hit my 30s and my career was in full swing. I was traveling for work and loved it. I settled into my second marriage and had the three kids. Enter 40s.....2nd Ex convinced me to birth in the state where his parents lived so we could have help with the older two kids. After a 6 month lease, I was served divorce papers and now my kids were owned by a state that I hate. I live in this state now and am fully disabled. Husband 3 is the one. We had been friends for 20 years first. SO....I totally know how you are feeling. As I went through each decade, family and friends changed. People started to judge more often. Then I realized I was being used at work for public speaking opportunities and sales efforts but wasn't getting paid the way the men were. Life is one heck of roller coaster. I feel your stream of words as still today those dialogues run through my mind. Now to the relief.....I have only the best days ahead of my physically and clearly mentally too....I only want to spend them doing what I can with my kids and husband. My family craps on the idea of mental health even though my sister is a drug seeking/doctor shopping crazy. Friends...they will come and go over time. This is hard, especially when you are younger. I have realized that friendships come out of no where and those kind usually last. The biggest suggestion I have for you is to dump social media...outside of sites like this. I am on LinkedIn as I had to be at one point and missing all the fun job and market data killed me. I didn't have all the other sites. Not even Facebook! I am trying to learn to be present in the moment. Even right now as I write, I am present in this response hoping that I can just help someone a little. Why you may not know our path as I do....are there ways you can come to terms with the crappy people and let them go? In five years, will you even be in the same location? As for your sis, you are a HERO. Remember this every second of every day. I am sure when she is of age, she will need you even more. Everyone here is seeking support and you are never alone. I don't even think people do a lot of judging on this site at all. I hope the racing thoughts find some calm at some point for you to rest!
Thank you. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. It's brave to talk about it. I hope i am a hero to her and i miss her so much. I think she only sees me as my anxiety. Thanks for hoping i find peace
I think most of us here understand that you are venting as a way to confront and control your feelings. That's why this list exists.
I’m not on the social media sites, in part because I keep reading how bad they are fir mental health. If you are getting support there, great. But might I suggest that sending your photo to strangers is probably not safe? Anyone who’s asking for your image probably is not interested in being your friend.
We care about you and want to see you thrive and heal. I keep thinking about how you have done so well in school despite all the upheaval in your life and in your soul. That success will be your foundation for starting a new life.
You understand but my unimates, profs, family, doctors, nobody understands. Im even physically struggling, my allergies and ibs are wilding. Im bleeding and there are only sharks who smell blood and prey or fish that are unable to smell blood or are disgusted by it. No helping fish. And those people call themselves proffesors on psychology and psychology students
That's what really gets to me. Of all the departments and areas of study out there, one would think psych would be the most understanding and supportive of your struggles. It makes no sense.
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why do i keep lying to people around me?
Why are people so cruel?
sad
