Just cried myself out. Is it hopeless? Or am i just dramatic? Everyone i call for help makes me feel worse. How to "adult"?

[Against_the_current]

So recently been living with mom because i struggled with the loneliness in my accommodation and taking care of myself, food, water. So i came home and yk every day near crisis experience. So yesterday mom was off work and today she was first shift and she came early and started drinking early. Started talking complete nonsense like that she's a vampire and she forgives Vlad Dracula because she watched a movie. I tried to tell her how it is historically correct but she told me to shut up. Then she told my sister to shut up because she wanted to put a stinky mask on her. My sister (who has important exams tommorow) declined and mom started telling us how we're too lazy to take care of our skins and look like dragons. My senses are hightend from the survival mode. I nearly puked. I am even refusing to eat. So i went to the bathroom (because we have one room) and texted grandma that mom thinks she's a vampire and im scared. I went out of the bathroom to see grandma on the phone with mom telling mom i snitched her out. Mom said she won't care because if she did she would be furious and broken. I putted shorts on and rushed outside. Called a friend of mom. He's autistic and he only made it worse saying some boy blocked mom because she texted him rude and she didn't even remember it. So i panicked because first a boy and second she doesn't remember. I felt worse. I called grandma to ask what she told mom but grandma said "I've had a hard day, who asks how am i" and hung up. Again this damn family everyone is in pain and it's coming to me. Then i tried all the crises lines i could find, nobody answered . Nobody cares about me and mental health. I tried to call a woman from university. I didn't call my one friend because i didn't want to listen about her boyfriend and about her getting care for her mental illness even with better situation while im treated like a dog and to end up me being her therapist. She told me to calm down and that she's at an anniversary partying and can't talk. Felt terrible. Nobody cares about me, people just party. Anniversaries, weddings meanwhile only sorrow in my family. Everyone has had too much in my family. Everyone is mental and in pain in my family. I went to neighbours and asked for help. They told me to call dad. I told them ik what he will say and that he would just scold me. These neighbours are a really happy rich family, every kid has its own room, future appartment and cash. Meanwhile i need a laptop and a place to live. These neighbours told me "how old are you? You are 20+ so get your sh*t toghether." And started talking about dogs and households and stuff ignoring me completely. They care more about their dogs. So i called dad. He ofc gaslighted me, said he's tired if me and doesn't care and i should act like an adult. Just yelled at me. Scolded me for crying "like a 5yo". Im a damn psychology masters degree holder, crying helps, mental health is real and is stopping me from "adulting". I'm scared if dad gives up on me. I need his money to live away from mom. I just needed rest from adulting and buying food and heavy bottles of water with my sprained knee. The moment he leaves me without funds, i have to su*****e because otherwise i will be homeless. I pissed mom, i pissed dad, i found no help. I just need a hug. I can't handle Al-Anon as it triggers me and i can't move to not so barbarian country because im broke, alone and scared. What's wrong with me? Do i have borderline? Is it just that my life sucks and everyone post communism are emotionally unavailable? Was it a panic attack or hysteria? Why don't they understand I can't adult with mental illness? Mental illnesses. How to explain to dad that im not acting like "a 5yo" and im just mentally ill. And people who have been through less than me can't get up of bed? I just need a damn hug. If you can't say anything good dear neighbours, at least give me a compliment, a hug. I have been treated like a dog at home, insulted and ignored and belittled. I say "my knee hurts" and mom says "mine hurts more". I say "i got an A" and she says "i got As with a crying baby - you". Why didn't she graduate and have me then? "No, i wanted a baby". If i could press a button and erase myself, i would. They would understand im not okay and not being a "5yo" only at my funeral. The only thing stopping me is that it hurts. There's no hope for me. What will i work? Where will i live? How will i cope with my C-PTSD? "You're an adult". Yes but im an adult during two wars right here and post communism and inflation and insane rent. I'm with a psychology degree which makes me see how my family is damaging me while they can't. And i can't "help myself". Psychology just messes you more because you see this is not okay and people tell you to "shut up and stop crying like a 5yo". It's like studying microbiology and seeing people drink from a swamp and telling you you're being a princess for wanting fresh water and that everyone drinks from the swamp. And when you catch malaria, they act like you're just being weak meanwhile your immune system is much weaker than theirs. .. I'm smart, my brain is going to vain. I can't find a job. I can't afford therapy. And my therapists just tell me about this inner child and not that maybe me (and mom) have bpd. Yes, i do lack love but who's gonna love me. Thinking of admitting myself to a mental hospital but getting a job would be harder and post communism hospitals will only traumatize me more. My previous friends that have been there said "once you get in, you will come back again and again". I need to heal but i need money for therapy, safe place, laptop and a hobby. And friends. Otherwise i just want to d1e but i can't do it because it's not so easy. If only i had money and nerves to get a clinical degree or counselling licence because mental health in this country is f*kd. My parents fked up with drinking and reproducing but i should be not reacting because "im an adult"

[gajh]

I care.

[Against_the_current in reply to gajh]

Thank you

[CLB1125]

we are here to support you. We hear you. We understand how you feel. Have you looked for reviews on these hospitals? One persons experience may not be your own. I know nothing about your country. So I don’t have any idea what services are available to you. Even though I can’t real hug you, here is a virtual hug 🤗🤗🤗

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

Thank you 😭🤗. Well i have been to hospitals here, probably they're right it's a horror movie. Not even bedsheets. Many people in the same room. Most of them with my mom's amount of brain damage and scary

[SoporRose]

Here’s a hug from me, too.

It still sounds as if in-patient care, even if it isn’t ideal, might be your best option. It will at least give you a break from your family. It can be impossible to get perspective on a situation while you’re caught up in it. It’s like trying to understand a painting while you’re standing so close to it that your nose is touching the canvas.

Whatever you do to get out of your situation is going to be scary. I wish it weren’t so. But I believe somewhere you have that courage and will find it some day.

(((((((((((((((((((AtC))))))))))))))))

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

HuggMaybe i will end there. Just idk in which city. But if dad stops my money and i spent more than 3 weeks with mom, i would end there

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

Please let us know what you decide to do.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Okay

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

She's driving me crazy but my accommodation is also not healthy and im not well enough to make it

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

Bad as things are at your mom's, you always fare much more poorly at your accommodation. You don't feel safe there and have a hard time getting out to go back to your mom's. Is it time to let that go rather than waste money on it? If your dad is paying for that, he might appreciate not spending money on a unit you aren't using. I know it's hard to be at your mom's house, but at least you have food, water, a cleaner environment, and don't have to share a kitchen with strangers.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

I already feel bad for paying for it, don't remind me, but mom might not be willing to take me permanently. Even if she does it because she can't let me live on the street, she will abuse me more and no escape. I hate this

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

Of course you hate it. Feeling trapped is terrible.

[Stippler]

I am so sorry, it sounds like you have so much to deal with. You are in my thoughts. 🙏🙏🙏

[Against_the_current in reply to Stippler]

Thanks. It's true and idk how to deal with it

[SameTimeTomorrow7]

You need to disassociate from your family situation ASAP. Find a job, any job (I'm sorry your academic degrees aren't the ticket here). Try to find shelter at a place where abused women can find support and protection. Check to see what government programs may be available to help you deal with the situation you are facing. You have a great deal of insight into the mess you are in, and your intelligence comes shining through. I'll pray for you and please pray for yourself. Never underestimate the power of prayer. Know that God loves you and sees everything that's going on in your life. At some point the reason for the pain you're experiencing may become obvious to you and you may one day be able to reflect upon it as something that helped you to develop to your full potential, strange though that may seem.

All the best - you deserve it.

[Against_the_current in reply to SameTimeTomorrow7]

Thanks, just im not in a position to work especially something that could cover rent. And I don't think i qualify for shelter and even if i did, it's a miserable place

[SameTimeTomorrow7 in reply to Against_the_current]

I wish I could do something to help you. What about welfare or other government programs? There has to be something out there to help. Yes, a lot of shelters are horrible, even dangerous places. Can friends help? I'm sorry that you are suffering. Please stay in touch.

[Against_the_current in reply to SameTimeTomorrow7]

My friends found boyfriends and other friends and moved on