I have a heavy feeling, feel like there's a python around my ribcage, struggling to breathe without cry. Trying to survive but it's not enof

[Against_the_current]

(ran out of characters in the title to write enough)I did groceries finally, planned meals so i can save some money and have food, walked the way, was there in public. Then i realised i still am running out of money, im running out of time, on 14th start university, on 17th sis birthday and I don't even have money for gift, and I already had nightmares about going there. Nightmares again. Haven't texted her still. So long i can't text sis or grandma. I just can't. Meanwhile my other grandma calls me and asked how im doing, i was proud of myself that i could buy some orange juice, she immediately countered and bodyshamed me with "why don't you buy oranges". I know what these words mean. Grandpa saved me by giving me a hint and i came up with "the water here is really bad and im dehydrated and needed some fluids". Finally called my landlord and gave him the electricity bill for the last month. Finally got my bottles sorted but still haven't gotten them to the scrap place to try to trade them or at least recycle them. Realising how im running out of time and money. Nightmares and bad sleeping schedule again. I don't know whether it's anxiety, depression, my allergy or i need to clean but i can't breathe. Im suffocating. Well, im suffocating outside as well so i guess it's not cleaning. I have the feeling of my chest being heavy. Like i have a snake around my heart and lungs. Like a python around my ribcage. Tightening up. Ready to tear up. I feel like crying but tears never come out. Im alone and scared but there's nobody. My family and "friends" just feed the snake. They just feed the feeling of being judged, when i need to be accepted. Feed the fear. Feed the loneliness. And that's my best state. You have seen the written form of my worst. My state is really fragile. I can't call or text grandma, sos or mom. And probably they don't like it, but i just can't. But sis has a birthday and I have to ask her if she wants me to come. The minorest inconvenience can make my state critical rn

[CindyKatherine]

A challenging situation indeed. But, at times all we can do is our best to control the things we can and, let those we cannot control operate.

But, be reminded that life rewards us whenever we put in our best efforts. This reward can be subtle or manifest but there is if we would desire to ait and recognize it.

My friend, just put in your best, control what you can, and allow the rest to rest. When we do this, we will find peace even turbulent situationns. Shalom!

[Against_the_current in reply to CindyKatherine]

Thanks. Trying but it's so hard

[SoporRose]

I’m impressed by how much you have accomplished despite your depression, anxiety, and panic. And good for you for picking up on your grandfather’s hint.

Could you make something for your sister for her birthday? What about putting together some paper and making a cardboard cover for a journal and decorating the cover with a photo or one of your drawings? If you have a little money, you could maybe buy your sister a pen to go with it. Instead of getting her a card, write her a letter and tell her how much you love her and all the things you hope for her. Tell her too about all her good qualities and talents. Write her the kind of supportive letter that you wish someone had written to you when you were her age. It would be a talisman on to which she can hold when things get rough.

Your simile about the Python is apt, poetic even. Someday, when you feel a bit better, I hope you will think about sharing your writing in a blog or on Tumblr or somewhere like that. You have a gift.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

I actually want to write a book with my essays, poems and stories but they always come related to my family issues and im scared nobody would publish this, my family would buy the book and see, or i just get too triggered writing and never finish. Thanks for the idea and for your support and kind words. Just my sister gets triggered by emotional things such as pics and so (and so do i), also my mom taught her this is just garbage paper and will be thrown away the moment she stops looking. Also in order to hide their BS my family bought my sister stuff and now she's taught like that. I was just thinking to get her a pokemon plushie if i can find and do some translations for dad so he sends me some more money.

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

A plushie sounds like a great choice. Are there any thrift stores where you could find an inexpensive one?

What kind of translating do you do for your father? That sounds like a good arrangement.

Keep writing. Just get what you want to say on paper and then you can figure out whether you want to change names and details to protect yourself. You could also publish under a pseudonym.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Great ideas! I will change names ofc and I put a sense of fiction, plus i give my own perspective. And im thinking about pseudonyms. Thinking of (D)Esperada since hope is the meaning of my real name and in latin hope is (e)spero. Despero is despair, depression. I think this pseudonym is really deep. Or i can just write my English name. The sad part is that i probably won't be able to brag i wrote a book. Since i don't have notesapp no more, i have to do my drafts in my therapy notebook but i think that's better than just jumping on writing on my laptop and forgetting the idea. Just wrote a draft of a story (not related to me i think) in my notebook and i think it's good. The thing is that i get the concepts and ideas and plots and characters but i can't just make it happen. I get new ideas. I can't focus. I guess it's just a mentally ill thing. Never finish a project. Agree writing on paper helps sort things out and calm. My thoughts are racing.I'm doing scientific translations for his job as a veterinary medicine proffesor's assistant. This article i'm working on is about lung worms in cats. Idk why my dad has some obsession with lung worms in cats. He researches this all the time. And all the time it sounds stupid. If i don't redact it, his boss(ah i like that lady)gets mad. Once she was reading his article and was like "are you kidding me, you have mistakes even in the title😂) . Well, tbh it's quite a hard field, medicine and not only medicine but different species medicine. Thank goodness it's not about reptiles or something we eat like chicken. I would be creeped out. Tbh i use the internet for help cause im a psychologist not a vet and i feel a bit guilty like im cheating. When writing such thing it's normal to have a writer and an editor. I remember when i wrote an article for my friend, it had so many mistakes that she was mad. Ah i suck at any job and I crave expensive food all the time. Well, with that war and the shared kitchen, all the food is expensive.

There's a geeky shop in my city. When visiting she always wants to go there. I hope they have some Pokémon plushie. It's in the art district so i hope i can find something. If i can't find a plushie, i thought about a comic book but idk which ones she already has. She has a library of them. Also thought about giving her some money on her bank account so she could buy video games and subscriptions. Also thinking of art supplies. She's a really good artist but she kinda abandoned it because of mom throwing away everything made of paper. Sis feels devastated mom doesn't appreciate art. And if you think my art is good, hers is ten times better. But i don't know what supplies she needs. I thought about texting her but im afraid. I thought of texting her to ask if she wants me to come and what does she want. But there's no time to order and i don't have money and it would be triggering to ask "do you want me". At least to me. In my opinion. Maybe it's better to her

Thank you for listening to me and helping me find a solution

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I wrote you a reply earlier, but I see it didn't show up.

Write your book, your poems, your stories. After you've written them and graduated, you can figure out how much you want to tweak them to disguise people's identities.

I like how much thought you've put into a pen-name. It's that swirl of despair and lingering hope that drives us, isn't it?

The translation work should be a great thing to have on your c.v. It shows your facility with writing and your ability to comprehend and synthesize medical information. The fact that you do research is the only responsible way to translate and highlights your research skills — also important for your area of study. And it's a good way to keep a positive connection to your father.

If the geeky store doesn't have a proper plushie, maybe you could give your sister a gift card to the store. I've been trying to think of free or low-cost gifts. Could you have your sister come out and take her to art galleries or museums? Here museums have days when people can enter for free. Maybe you could find some scenic places around town where you could take your sister to draw or paint and your gift could be encouraging her and being with her. It's OK to say, "Sis, I love you so much, but money is super tight and I am over-stressed with my last semester starting. I think you're a fantastic artist and an amazing person and I will give you all the emotional support I can. I hope this is a happy birthday and the start of a great new year for you." Or write a message to her on a nice card. Assume she wants you. You are her sister. If you can be there for her. now, with luck she'll have the strength to support you back when she leaves home.

You wrote "She's a really good artist but she kinda abandoned it because of mom throwing away everything made of paper. Sis feels devastated mom doesn't appreciate art. And if you think my art is good, hers is ten times better." This made me so very sad. How crazy is it that your mom threw out all the paper? And what a terrible way to tear down your sister, too.

Let us know what you decide to do and how things turn out.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you for being here for me and your kind words and understanding.I could really do that.

I messaged sis but she hasn't even opened it and im worried

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

How long has it been?

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Yesterday i messaged her, i saw her online today and she hasn't even opened it. I paniced all night

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I sent you a message on your new post, but I’ll ask you here: were you panicking or hurt? If panicking, can you articulate your fears? Listing them might help ease the panic.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Im feeling panicy. Im paralyzed and helpless and need a solution and am sick of feeling this way, my stomache is on a knot, sick of this goddamn family, sick of this goddamn panic

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I wish I had a solution for you, but you are describing how I often feel as well, and I haven't found a way out of it either. It just wears one away like a flood.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Until it comes again. Tbh i was a bit distracted by now, doing the work dad gave me because im really broke, but now im back

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I'm glad you had the work. I hope your dad paid you promptly.

[emmi331]

Your family doesn't need to know you wrote a book. If it's published and they find out, just tell them you wrote the truth as you experienced it. If a relative has a different truth they can write their own book.

[Against_the_current in reply to emmi331]

Hmm this is an option

[SoporRose in reply to emmi331]

"If a relative has a different truth they can write their own book." Absolutely.