I'm sorry. I drowned. Trying to heal ... - Anxiety and Depre...

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I'm sorry. I drowned. Trying to heal only drowns me more. I can't recover. I can't move on but time passes. I'm stuck in 2020. I'm scared if

4 months ago•12 Replies

Mom is too. I'm scared to open a fridge or a shef in order not to find alchol. I feel so bad for sharing with her but she was giving me tasks and i was zoned out, staring at the chat, my nose running, my belly hurting so bad that no med helping. Couldn't sleep at night even after 3mg lexotan and 2mg Clonasepam. I was going Cobain. I'm too numb to even cry and i feel the tears stuck in my eyes all the time. I will go Winehouse the moment mom goes Wine-house. Dad leaving messed us. I'm just trying to get friends to talk to. My ex saw me on dating apps and asked what i was doing there. I said im just searching for friends to talk to so i don't talk to mom because i feel like a f*king monster. I still have nightmares of school bullies even though it happened 10 years ago. I can't cope with dad's baby , i can't cope with mom's abuse, I can't cope with my heartbreak. I just jump from bad to worse trying to heal. I got a relationship to have someone to talk to about mom and now i talk to mom about heartbreak and ofc she has it worse. She always "has it worse" but this time for real. I feel bad for talking to her about it but i have nobody. I'm already in debt to my psychologist. Time doesn't wait for me, i have to work and i haven't moved on from the trauma during uni. I haven't even moved on from trauma in 5th grade, 10 years ago. And it's not like i don't try. It's not "don't think about it" because i was litterary asleep. I have prescriptions for all my meds. I'm trying hard to heal but it just gets worse. I have drowned 4 years ago, why is my corpse still here? Why does my corpse have to work and figure out their life when they don't even have a life? I need someone to understand . I overslept my aline time and here is mom drunk, listening to music, going to get wild while i need some peace. I will have to go out and i don't even have friends. I feel bad im losing my accommodation and im here but i was the corpse bride there - no eating, no sleeping, just crying and vomiting, all alone. Help me, I'm sinking. Everyone else is on the seaside while im wondering am i crazy or does my life just suck. Tbh my life sucks and that's why im going crazy. I'm starting to hallucinate messages that aren't there. And im convincing myself (so is dad) that i had just hallucinated the alcohol. But it's real. Mom told me some story how this is lettuce juice 3.0 (if u know my previous story about cabbage juice when she was drinking and gaslighting me it's cabbage juice). They twist my reality. Nobody is involved enough to help me, therapists and psychiatrists just take their money and thank you next. I feel like a monster for discussing this with mom, she usually says "i have it worse" but now she really does, I didn't want to trigger her and myself but i have nobody else. Believe me if i could end myself, i would. I guess im just too weak to be be weak. If it could happen by just pressing a button. She's singing and asking and asking me what does "iz a butufal liv" means. I wanted to game to feel better but i guess she won't let me. It's not my fault i overslept when she was at work. I have to find a way to go to sleep early

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Against_the_current

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