Today i went to doctor (for my chronic runny nose because mom made me) at like 10am and i was sleepy and cold so i came back home and went to sleep. (Doc examined me for like 10mins and just told me to go to an allergy doctor). I came back at like 12 at noon and slept till like 10pm. Had really vivid nightmares about my family and about grandma's house (which i will visit at easter, around 14th april here). Been waking up, seeing im not home or at Grandma's house but at my accommodation and falling asleep and again and again. At the end woke up for real at around 10pm because i was really nauseous, dizzy and terrified.
Realised i will probably be awake at night and tried to search for food but it's late. Delivery was almost closed as well, just a few really expensive places. My head hurts a lot so i know i should eat something to take a med. And to calm down. Made mint tea, lit a candle because im still cold but the ac makes my nose runny, and tried to prepare rice. Desided it's midnight and my flatmate would probably be asleep as well. But he wasn't and spotted me using the rice cooker wrong. Didn't scold me or anything but im just so anxious. I suffer being alone but when i see a human, i get anxious. I went to doctor and felt worse. So much things that doesn't make sense!!
I still haven't called my proffesor for help because i don't want to mix therapies and because im honestly tired of doctors and therapists and never getting better. I still haven't gotten a job or moved out. And there are opportunities. I just wonder whether i can do it. I have my final exam in june-july. Saw a really nice internship opportunity for an art gallery but im worried if i can do it and still haven't applied and they will probably find someone until i decide. Also my practice mentor gave me an opportunity to present more in his school and i still haven't texted him because last time left me terrified. My unimates are leaving their places and i can go there but im not sure i can move all my stuff, go to new neighbourhoods and live with their energy, sleep on their beds. Im sinking and i can't find help and manage it on my own. Also i think i will be doing EMDR on like 25th April. I have been stuck for too long.
Also happy Psychologist day!
Update : Tried to eat my rice but felt nauseous and im so scared, i don't want to vomit all night. If im sick taking care of myself gets even harder and going home is already triggering. Hope it passes. Im emetophobic 😭
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I do indeed care and hope hope hope that you are able to find care and healing. As damaged as you feel, as you are, I believe you are young enough and have enough heart to get better. You will probably never be the person you could have been if you had been brought up in a loving, stable home, but I think you have it in you to find a way to a life of contentment and fulfillment if you can find the right care to set you on a new path.
ohhhh no dear that’s a lot on ur plate. Just step back and breathe. It’ll be ok. One thing at a time. Tell ur anxiety to shut up and leave u alone. Do a breathing set and then sit down and try to write a list of the things u want to take care of right away and go from there. Big hug.
I am sorry to hear about your struggles. Lord knows that I can relate. I understand about not wanting to mix therapies. However, I would suggest that you talk to your professor and let him know what is going on. It may be worth your while. He might be able to give you a break and it may help to talk to someone outside of your therapist. Also, does your school have a disability center? I would contact them and see if they can offer you some help, such as extra test taking time. One of the things that I regret is not speaking up about my issues until my fourth full semester of graduate school for my MA. Moreover, it was only through the kindness of my professors, recognizing that I was severely unwell, that allowed me to earn a passing grade of a B+ that semester. By rights, I should have failed out of graduate school if not for them, I would not be in the process of writing my dissertation. I had depression, anxiety, and was in the midst of an extremely toxic, at times highly abusive relationship. I still struggle with these (add a recent diagnosis of ADHD, ASD, and touch of OCD) and it has been an uphill climb. My whole point is that talking to your professor may prove to be worth trying.
Please, please do not be like me. I know how you feel about applying for the internship and fearing that you may not get it, or that you do not have the skills and competency to complete it. Please do apply. One thing my therapist is trying to get me to think about is the phrase: "if you don't apply, then you have made up their mind for them." I have lost so many opportunities for professional and personal development, not too mention research funding, because I believed that my work was not good enough and that I was not a great historian and that I did not belong in my PhD program. Throughout most of the program I lived in mortal fear that the school would realize their mistake and kick me out. I am still a bit paranoid and have been putting off my writing based on the belief that my work is terrible and that is simply not worth writing and earning the degree, let alone getting a job afterwards, which depends in part on all of the professional development that I should have been doing.
I understand that everyone's situation is different and I am not trying to say that my experience is the same. I am simply telling you all of this so that you do not think that you are alone and that there are lots of people all over the world that have experienced similar struggles. Take solace in this. It is very comforting and will give you strength. Lastly, and I cannot emphasize this enough: please do not be like me. You are doing yourself a great disservice. Please keep in mind these words from Red Green (a television show here in Canada and the United States: remember, I 'm pulling for you. We are all in this together."
Thanks and im sorry to hear that. Here we don't have a disability center or even a councilour. I had As in pain and nobody cared. And if my score dropped i wouldn't get my internship and phynansical help from dad. I got an offer just because i study psychology and the proffs are on psychology. Im truly surprised it took them so long. If it wasn't just one year sooner, i wouldn't second guess but now I feel like my fractures are growing wrong and would be more painful
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