I was having a nightmare about going home and seeing mom going to buy beer at 4am. Then the phone rang and woke me. Was grandpa, dad's dad. He asked what's up and whether i'm going home, and i, still sleepy, said that i'm afraid of my parents. I would say i'm afraid of my mom but she would kill me If i speak bad about her, espessially to grandpa and espessially since i haven't seen her do sth wrong, she would go insane, so i just said im afraid of my parents. And he said "but they're helping you so much, espessially your dad" and i felt really bad cause dad's sending me money (and i need them, rn i have 1 dollar, i'm not joking) and he's his son. And i just felt guilty. Also mom hasn't done anything wrong. I hope. Well, these two really can mess up.
So until here okay. Had a therapy session. Didn't even have what to say. Then my roommate came and scolded me for the bin x2, dishes and the table. I got anxious and i went outside and called granma to cheer me up or something. But she drove me insane panic that i feel like i'm going to throw up. She was talking about coming here, then home, then there, getting me. I don't want to travel this much, i can't handle it. She said mom has nightmares of passed out people which is scary, both whether it's their souls or she having some trauma. Both terrified me. And for this case she should have travel led there, to honour them (and now i feel bad i'm talking bad about passed out people who seem uneased). And traveling and family. Last time sis was almost kicked out of the house when granma was coming. We're both still traumatized. Damn the therapy was before that. And trying to calm myself down, i paniced more. Paniced, called, paniced more, called more, paniced more. I called my friend after that but she was in her head and high and worried about her boyfriend and made it worse. I'm just so mad, months here and i haven't recovered. Everywhere i live there's 1 person im afraid of. And my unhealthy patern and people making it worse when u need em. I'm going to Grandma's at 8 july, i'm worried. But i don't think i can stay here without giving my roommate a break from me neither. I'm just sitting outside, hiding, trying to calm, being eaten alive by mosquitoes.
