It's obvious that the holiday spirit is alive and well in my neighborhood. A 5-minute walk around town and you'll see lots of homes already decorated for Christmas. Lights are everywhere and even our town has started to decorate the main avenue, as they do every year, but it seems like this year they have started a bit earlier than usual.I tend to usually sit outside whenever I make a cup of coffee. It gives me the chance to take in a little Sun and chat with whatever neighbor happens to walk by. I've been living here a long time so I know many people. I can always count on a quick chat, or sometimes even a long chat, with some of my local folks.
The conversations lately seem to have the same theme. The theme of family life. Neighbor upon neighbor have spoken to me about their adult children coming to visit for the holidays. How this one is getting together with that one. They talk about travel plans to go visit loved ones across the state, and so on.
I'm often asked what my plans are and you would be shocked to hear the words I spew. The lies I tell. The completely made up stories I come up with on the spot. How I'll be traveling to California to visit my son... Absolute bullshit!. How I'll be traveling to visit family in Puerto Rico for Christmas... Absolute bullshit!
I can lie and make you believe it without hesitation. I can look people straight in the eye and come up with fantastic stories without skipping a beat. "The master of bullshit" will be written on my tombstone. Fact is, I have no one to spend the holiday with. I will not be visiting my son in California. I won't be doing any of the crap I talk of doing.
Never fails, with each passing neighbor I'm ready with a well scripted story that I have told time and time again. Not a day goes by that I don't sit and ask myself "how the hell did I get here" ... It's a daily question that I have all the answers to but sometimes I'm just not willing to face it. There's nothing more important in life than family. I'm disgusted every time I see someone take it for granted. I'm disgusted every time I see someone treat their family like shit. Then I look in the mirror, and I'm disgusted again.
I always recommend a good walk around the block, usually about 15 mts, late at night, in distinctive clothing, not to frighten the neighbours, I mentioned this many times before, on HU, good for getting the daily mind cobwebs out!
Lived in the same area all my life, but recently found, now reached OAP, "Hello?" nobody out there, new crowd around now, "I'm one of the old crowd" lately health taken a distinct decline, never a healthy bunny, but cancer a new one, no friends around, moved, died or just lost touch, in the last five years, moving further inwards, more isolation, BUT my family suddenly realise this could be a bit more serious, as you say "There's nothing more important in life than family." I'm lucky five siblings and I'm the one in the middle, I don't have any children, never married, a sister and brother have both been through the cancer procedure, I've always been been a loner enjoyed my own company all my life, but now the family circle tightens around their old stubborn brother again, thank goodness👍
Oh man, I'm sorry you're ill. But I'm very thankful that you have a good strong family support. That will definitely help you fight your illnesses. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I truly appreciate it
I wouldn't wish this on anyone. If I had the power to be the only one with this struggle, believe me you wouldn't be experiencing it. Thanks for your comment
Is there an opportunity that you can visit your son down the road, or is that something that you would prefer to keep to yourself? (either way I understand, and for the record I don't have kids)
Maybe what I am going to say will help, maybe it won't.
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The winter blues are hitting me harder than they normally do.
I'm in Chicago, the sky is already gray, and I'm already kinda down with seeing my parents health.
I am (extremely) fortunate and grateful that they are still alive, but I have always suffered from SAD, (besides GAD) and this year is the hardest that I've had with SAD up to this point in my life.
This community is one of the many tools that I am currently using to cope.
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My Point:
Nothing can ever replace your family, but you have us, and know that we care about you.
Actually, a lot of us unfortunately grew up in dysfunctional traumatic families of origin and i've been fortunate to heal and move on with my life so i think there are things more important than family and there has been a lot of harmful mythology and idealism about family in our culture. Unfortunately a lot of us were not taught or modeled in our family how to love ourself and were even punished and shamed for showing any signs of being proud of ourselves or trying to stand up for ourselves so we never developed healthy self-esteem and love for ourself. We used shame to mask and hide ourself-loathing and our true self and lies to try to prop up our low-self-worth.
I'm fortunate to have the love and support of my immediate family and friends and have had some amazing fur kids that helped me feel and experience true unconditional love, which is what I think we are all seeking as well as the connection with others.
So don't be so hard on yourself, my guess is that you were using the lies to hide your true feelings and low-self-worth for whatever reason. You can choose to heal it if it fits for you, there is a lot of good info on youtube about it.
You hit it right on the head. Self worth and the ability to be proud of yourself is not something that was ingrained in my mind as a child. Like you, it was the complete opposite. It's almost like we were showing signs of weakness if we felt good about what we did or were even proud of our accomplishments. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to respond to my post. This is great insight into our world and every little bit helps. 🙏🙏🙏
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Family pressure.
Life is different and so am I 
My life keeps getting worse
My life is meaningless and it scares me
