Depression and life frustration

[DogMom1996]

I made a mistake with a family member which was really all a misunderstanding. This whole time I believed I did nothing wrong but it turns out, all of this was my fault. My sister in law is upset with me because I lost my temper with her which was actually out of character for me and all hell broke loose. Now my family won't speak to me because I lost my temper one time. Nothing physical. Just a bad word was said. It seems that me messing up is a frequent theme in my life which makes people around me see me as a bad person when I really don't intend to hurt anyone at all. I'm tired of apologizing all the time and having to make it up to people constantly. How do you think I should move forward with this? Or am I doing something wrong? I'm trying my every effort to fix this but it doesn't seem to be working.

[fauxartist]

I don't think any of us with our stuff, aka: mental illness, hasn't messed up. It's an unfortunate part of this thing we live with. But to be so definitive over one incident, and not willing to budge from it.... I think is an excuse maybe a bit on their part to not resolve things.

We cannot change the past, and we don't know what will happen tomorrow, and even though we try to make amends where needed in life, it's not always going to be accepted, and that's when we need to leave it. If you're a big enough person to say sorry, and they choose not to have any further relationship, then that's where you have to walk away. Forgive yourself and know you did the best you could.

[jackiesj in reply to fauxartist]

So agreed fauxartist...some you may never please,,,,if things are said or done on my part even if i dont realize it and they bring it to me or i ask....true acceptance the not perfect me and im sorry...is truth...if they cant let it go yes...i go....That is sad. Really we all have more in common than not and sometimes we just lose it in an honest way. Peace is work.

[Dolphin14]

DogMom1996

In your bio you mention learning healthier coping skills. Are you willing to share what you have tried so far?

Have you tried taking a pause before you respond to the person upsetting you? Once the arguing starts it will most likely escalate.

We can't help our triggers but we can learn to respond differently. Maybe with time and new skills you can learn to cut them off with silence.

It's not your fault, this stuff happens but eventually we can grow from this.

I wish you well. I know how hard this is

🐬

[Sologrl123]

is there a possibility your family has some toxic traits? When you say …and now your whole family are not speaking to you. That type of group shaming doesn’t happen in healthy relationships. Why would anyone other than your sister in law be involved ? Also if you feel your behaviour was justified then before you just abandon your own feelings consider that toxic families have scapegoating and those people are constantly gaslit. Maybe look for some other friends outside of your family group?

[Blearyeyed]

We can all get angry and do or say the wrong thing sometimes , particularly if we are stressed or don't have coping strategies to prevent it.Everyone can do that. The key to it if you couldn't stop it at the time is in how you react to it.

This is advice for people whom know they have actually done something to apologise for.

If you were the one whom was in the wrong , or did react to strongly even if you were right the first thing you need to do is accept you made a mistake. It sounds like you've done that so you should give yourself credit for it.

Second , you can't change the fact that it happened so even if you were responsible don't keep beating yourself up or punishing yourself mentally for it , it won't improve anything and will trigger negative mental health.

Instead , think of the best way to apologise.

Often this is not just a combination of sorry words or excuses but an honest simple apology and future actions.

Apologise to your family , begin with the person you upset the most.

It is better to do this in person but a letter and some flowers or a little budget friendly gift ( homemade baked goods or a card) can be a good first step if you can't manage to be face to face at first.

Be straightforward, tell them you are sorry and very sad that you upset them and reacted badly which isn't usually like you.

Tell them , it's not an excuse and you know that sometimes you can react badly in certain circumstances, you accept that and you are going to do what you can to change that ,

Tell them , you never intended to hurt them and you care for them and that you hope that it won't get in the way of your friendship with them in the future,

That's it really.

Give them time to vent if they need to , be rude or to be quiet and need time to think about it.

If someone is hurt , just like you , they may need time to settle down and part of the way you show you are really sorry is to accept that and not get angry if they don't instantly forgive you.

It's not positive behaviour for them to verbally vent at you again but it may be the thing they need to do to get closure.

Deep Breath and don't react , let them speak.

When they've finished repeat your apology caringly ( even if at that point they have said something very mean that upsets you) say you are so sad that you made them feel so upset and you hope you will both be able to be friendly again soon because you value them and your relationship with them and wouldn't want to lose it but that you want to respect them and give them time to heal and hope after that they will forgive you.

After making your apology to the person you most upset.

Wait a day then make apologies to other family members , letting them know you know you behaved badly and hope they realise it's not huw you really are , that you've apologised to xxxx, you love them all and don't want your mistake to get in the way of that and that you are going to make changes to make sure you don't act like that in the future,

Then , do try to think of coping or CBT strategies to try and practice to help you manage your feelings or angry words in a stress situation in the future, if you are currently dealing with mental stress that makes you act out of character these can be helpful.

Things like taking a deep breath.

Pausing before you react to a situation to make sure that you are not reacting negatively without reason.

Remember that even if something makes you feel hurt or angry it is a feeling but its your choice about how to react.

You choose to shout or return an insult you don't have to no matter how hurtful someone else is being , or if they bully you.

Remain calm , don't respond with anger , don't return an insult.

Decide to find a positive way to move away from the conversation or situation , to change the subject , or to close it down politely ( even if instead you really want to scream in their face , you know it won't help and doesn't make you feel good either).

If all else fails remove yourself from the conversation even if it's just by going to the bathroom or offering to make a drink.

If you accidentally said something that hurt someone that began an argument , think of your comment.

Don't get on the defensive.

Apologise with simple words straight away. For example:

" I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that, I'm feeling a bit stressed but that's no excuse for saying something that hurt you"

Often the swift apology will get a swift positive response and they will even take more care about your feelings or ask how you are.

Turning the potential negative situation into a supportive one,

If the person you argued with , however, is a toxic or volatile person or your family are prone to anger think if the incident and recognise in your own head for what it is.

The same coping strategies as written above in conversation with them will still work even if they are the ones whom over react.

It is hard for people to continue abusing you if you do not respond to it .

They will also find it hard to continue to use anger without looking negative and feeling they are doing wrong so they will find some way to shut it down before they can be seen as the guilty party.

It's all a big learning curve and we all make mistakes, take care , Bee