The Black Hole

[Hippiedeb5150]

Anxiety is off the charts-depression on top of that makes for very uncomfortable existence. Mom is actively dying with hospice & family at bedside-it will be anytime. I'm worried about weather/snow/ice & traveling to where she's at(we are in 2 diff states)b/c I need to make funeral plans & all that goes with that. Overwhelming me. My husband needs me as well-hes on dialysis/type 1diabetic withany health issues & I will have to leave him to go take care of moms service...I worry all the time about him too. Now the weather is fixing to get crazy-i have to rent a car to go out of town too. Toooooo much. Suggestions?

[Sunrisetabby]

I am sorry to hear about your mother and your husband and your high anxiety. Although it is good that she has family at her bedside, it sounds very tough that you are not at her bedside and not at her side. It sounds like you need a big hug. Do you have any friends that you can call to comfort you and maybe come over to support you and maybe provide assistance while you travel to your mothers. You sound incredibly tough, and even though you are in a tough situation, I think you will be able to get through it. In terms of advice, please remember to breathe. I am a big fan of the psychological sigh. An in breath in through the nose, do a second inbreath through the nose, and then do a long exhale. In ~10 seconds you can start to calm your body down and start to lower your beartbeat. In terms of anxiety, I've found that planning and writing down plans and backup plans and sometimes backup plans to the backup plans helpful. Given that you are worried about bad weather, it may be good if you can get yo your mothers as soon as possible after you can find care for your husband. Thinking positive thoughts and prayers for you, your mother, and your husband.

[Hippiedeb5150 in reply to Sunrisetabby]

TY

[litethatnevergoesout]

take things one at a time.

[Oaks6 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I think that is the key here to coping , one thing at a time.

[gajh]

I am so sorry about your Mom and husband. Make sure to take some time to take care of yourself while you are taking care of both of them. Keep reaching out for support. We are here for you.

[Hippiedeb5150 in reply to gajh]

Ty

[LadyZen]

When I have a lot going on, I just try to make a list, prioritize my list, and force myself to think of one thing at a time. Anything on my list at the bottom gets no headspace until I'm done resolving the top item. It means a lot of things don't get done. But so be it.

[Oaks6 in reply to LadyZen]

That’s exactly what I do, even if the list is 3 things. I usually have time of day next to my list as well to get a sense of proportion to see if I’m on schedule or not. That also comforts me that most tasks don’t take as long as I imagine.

[LadyZen in reply to Oaks6]

It helps to keep from feeling overwhelmed.

[Zhangliqun in reply to LadyZen]

Whatever works but I've found that, to the extent you have some time flexibility, do the little/easy things first. It will give a quick sense of accomplishment and stability AND...they won't be nagging and distracting you when you focus on the big items.

[LadyZen in reply to Zhangliqun]

It depends on the person and what's on their list. If I have a whole bunch of easy things that's going to cause me to procrastinate on one very important thing, then I won't necessarily approach the list that way. The point of my list is to block out out things that aren't priority that cause a lot of stress and anxiety because I can't get them all done. I never look at my list as a whole and say I've got so much to do. I prioritize my list, then block out everything but the first couple of items. Then I repriortize daily or as needed. But whatever works to help people manage their anxiety is the best approach. Everyone is different.

Just to clarify. My list isn't a to do list. It's really an anxiety management tool for me. It's a little bit different.

[MaggieSylvie]

I am sorry. You need an angel.

[Teaching]

I am so sorry you have a lot going. I know it's a very difficult time for you now. Do you have other supports around you? Please try and ask for help from people around if possible. Virtual hugs.You are in my prayers.

[Kinlay]

I am so sorry to hear that you are juggling all of this! I can relate, as my mother is in nursing care but we are currently discussing changes to her medical care plan for end of life after a week-long hospital stay (pretty sure her cancer is back, but at 87 she is too old to deal with testing let alone treatment and now my medical power of attorney has kicked in, so I need to arrange things so she doesn't get sent back to the hospital for the end and the decisions are rough).

I am also in charge of funeral home arrangements, so I have a HUGE piece of advice: make your arrangements via phone and online. You do NOT need to be there physically to arrange any of that part - and I'm pretty sure the same is true even of a religious service, if you choose that route. Remember that the funeral, etc. is for the survivors, so take yourself into account!

As for seeing your mother, I would visit, tell her you love her and say your goodbyes NOW. I personally am not planning to run to her bedside to watch her die. In many cases, people aren't even really aware at that point, especially when they are older (my mother is already pretty confused). My husband also has diabetes, a broken leg, and is now sick, so she understands that I love her, but I have to care for him.

I hope I don't sound harsh, but you have to set priorities - and boundaries on how much you can handle. Sending best wishes for you to make it through this difficult time.

[Hippiedeb5150 in reply to Kinlay]

I appreciate the advice thankyou. Sounds like u have your hands full also so please take good care.

[Kinlay in reply to Hippiedeb5150]

I have a strong support network - I truly hope you do, too!!!! <3

[bethelbee]

So sorry to hear about your mom..hope she has a peaceful transition. And dealing with an ill husband you have a lot going on. Is there someone that can look in on your husband while you're traveling? When you can try to take a few moments for yourself, quiet time, maybe a bubble bath.. I know there are storms predicted for a good part of the country; hope you're not hit bad so you can travel safely. Sending hugs...