Toxic Family

So I know people are supposed to love their family no matter what. And that family will 'always' be there for you. But is it wrong and bad of me to hate being around a part of my family?

So my dad's side of the family is very judgmental and rude. Have always been that way, for as long as I can remember. My grandpa will tell me off and then say 'you know I only care and that's why I am telling you this' or my aunt told me that my dad was doing his best (which I already knew) and to give him slack. I don't want to tell the entire story about my aunt. But basically she's my dads older sister, and has no idea about my past relationship with my dad. We would always argue and I broke down a lot and CPS was called and it was just a bunch of shit going down. Anyways, maybe dad told her what was happening, but then he only got her side of the story, and of course, I'm always wrong right?

I have had depression, anxiety, mutilation issues and such from a pre-teen age. Dad didn't know about bullying and hell that was going on, and why I cried so much. He picked me up from school one day and started yelling at me in the car because I needed to stop being so sensitive and stop crying because 'my life was perfect.' His mother, my grandmother, is constantly telling me the same thing, even today.

But that's not the situation I wanted to talk about. So I haven't seen my Aunt in probably 7 years at least. My dad's oldest sister. Lets just call her Chef. So Chef moved down to Florida as soon as she could, met this guy, got married, and is still living down there. Which I have absolutely NOOO problem with. The guy is cool, pretty nice guy. But she is like my grandmother. Will want to make plans, but everything has to be done HER way and on HER terms.

Long story short, Chef and her husband invited me to come down to stay a week or so. But I live in MI, and they're in Florida. So already I could tell it wouldn't be a cheap ticket. I started looking and yep, I was right, the lowest price for around when they wanted me to come was about $700. That's pretty much my entire paycheck. But I had also invited my girlfriend, because there is no way in HELL I am going by myself. So I asked and she is all for it. Chef said NO, this was a trip for HER to see me. Even her husband messaged me and starting trying to pretty much guilt me into coming by myself. Chef wanted me to come down to Orlando Horror thing, which ok? But then I have to pay for the plane ticket, the Orlando ticket, Chef wanted me to get the fast pass as well, plus pitch in for a hotel room. Now I'm gonna be generous and say that's about $1,400. Now while all this is going on, I'm looking for new housing, a new job, have to still pay bills and gas money, and struggling with my mental health really bad. So I kept thinking about it and I came to the conclusion that I can't financially afford that, its not a good time right now, and I cant be down there by MYSELF.

So I nicely messaged both of them, saying 'Im sorry, I cant financially do that right now. I'll have to take a raincheck, will have to see what's going on next year.' My uncle (the husband) messaged me back saying 'I understand, and I know that's a lot of money, but your aunt needs family time and we would really love for you to come down and ya know...……..' then it just keeps going on with how I can't bring my girlfriend because I wont be able to go everywhere with Chef and do everything SHE wants and such. So I didn't reply to him. Next my aunt texts me, saying 'having a bad day? How much have you saved up? How much can you put in from each check?' I again, didn't reply. She then texts me again, saying 'helllooo?' and messages me on Facebook saying 'check your messages'

Ok by the time this is all done I'm beyond pissed. We started talking about it LITERALLY 3 DAYS AGO!!! My next paycheck isn't until next Friday. I barely make it working full time and paying for this apartment. My usual pay is around $725ish, my rent for this 1 bed/one bath apartment is about $650. I have other things to pay for. Like a phone bill, utility bill, electric bill (yes I pay for all my utilities, nothing is included), gas for my car, internet bill, car repairs, oh and the best part? My eating disorder is coming back because guess what? FOOD IS NOT CHEAP!!!! But anyways, I get two checks a month right? Bi-weekly pay. Which is kinda nice. I'll put like 300ish from each check into rent and try to stay on top of all my bills and shit. I'm usually scraping by, but I'm ok with that. Because I'm trying to get a house with a friend and save money on rent and utilities and everything. I'm trying to get better mentally, and trying to make better friends.

But with my family breathing down my neck, it's getting hard. I'm glad to be out of my hometown, cause that's where most of my family lives. I get my own place, my own space, its great. But when most of my family is constantly reaching out to me saying 'hey when are you coming up to see us?' 'hey why didn't you answer my calls?' 'hey you should come up and visit' 'your phone isn't working, are you getting all of my calls?' My grandma, I love her, but with her constantly telling me how I should just be happy and not be so sad and smile more and wear bright colors to feel better and I should talk to her about how I feel (even though she'll tell me to get over it and stop crying and my life is so amazing and then tell me all about how her life is going, I've done this a couple times, all the same outcome) I just can't anymore, I'm so close to blocking some of my family on my phone, social media, I'm just so stressed and I was doing so good and now I feel like I'm going back into my panic/bad state which is where I always was living up there and I'm just......I know it sounds like I'm making a big deal out of nothing, and maybe I am. I just, does anyone have any advice on what I can do? I don't wanna start any arguing or make this worse but I cannot keep dealing with them like this. I can't keep running from them and hiding and I just wanna make it stop. So please, someone tell me, what do you do with toxic people in your life that you can't cut off?

I'm sorry this is so long, needed a lot off my chest I guess.

[Hidden]

I disagree that you can't cut them off. I did. My parents and my siblings 14 years now and I feel more at peace and have family with my inlaws. It doesn't have to be forever but if you some space and they are only harmful take a break from them and get yourself in order. It only helped me to cut ties. I feel some guilt because the don't know my daughter or have ever seen her but I am healthier overall. Do what you have to do for you and your own.

[rach1402 in reply to Hidden]

Your daughter is probably better off without them anyway x

[rach1402]

I agree with Melhall, you will probably feel better if you go your own way. The only person you HAVE to live with is yourself so put yourself first, unless you have children of course, in which case obviously they have to come first. I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist if you cut ties with your family because you might 'continue the script' if they're not telling you you're too sensitive and blaming you, you might end up doing that to yourself x

[Glenora]

I guess you have two options here, you can choose cut off your family. This has been mentioned by a couple of the other participants who replied to your post. Your second option is to develop the right communication skills and personal strategies to deal with your family. I really agree that you should definitely have a therapist the reason I say this is that cognitive behavioral therapy is the best option so what's happening to you, both for the eating disorder, and the communication skills. They can also help you to change the script that's going on in your head.

I recognize that there may be an issue with your ability to pay therapist so I would look into insurance I suppose in this case or at least get a job that has that kind of insurance.

You don't have to be stuck with this situation with your family you really do have the control. Nor do you have to be stuck with the script that's playing in your head that tells you that you are all these things that they say you are. You have the power to change it, you just need some help with learning how. Don't beat yourself up over it either the truth is it's hard for anyone to change a script that has been going on for years. The same thing is true for what keeps depression and anxiety rooted in our brains. In combination with medication cognitive behavioral therapy is really the best treatment. It also says that your family is a huge trigger for your mental illness. It may turn out that you will do better off without them but you may also find that with the help of the therapist to you will be able to remain in contact with them as long as you have strong tools to manage them. Remember though, that it is your choice and that you do have the power to let them go and to live without them.

[Mumma_h]

Hi there, I understand your situation, I too am feeling really controlled at the moment . I think that's what's happening to you . This has nothing to do with you whatsoever!! It's your family's problem for sure and the need to get what they want and do what makes them happy even if it's at someone else's expense. You absolutely have every right to stick to what you said and you handled it beautifully ( politely telling your aunt that financially it wouldn't work for u right now but would perhaps like to see them next year). It's very rude and controlling to continue to pressure or guilt you into going: in saying this they might not fully realise what they're doing is wrong and believe they have every right to expect this from you . I say don't cut them off but again politely stick to your guns and too bad if they don't like it . If a family is becoming over bearing with msgs etc you can nicely but firmly tell them you have a lot on your plate atm and you'll speak when you can,then call once a week and chat for 1/2 hr ,and if they don't back off let them know again . I say ,do your own stuff ' guilt free' , it's unfair that it's doing your head in!! Not saying your family are evil or anything and probably no need to cut ties but you don't have to put up with this crap. It's a common family problem. And to say your partner can't come with you ; controlling controlling controlling!!! Believe in yourself and I wish you all the best !!!

[snow_queen]

oh my gosh I know what you mean. my relationship with my immediate and extended family is messy as well - my mom's side of the family is actually pretty cool (with the exception of my mom, who is manipulative, controlling, and emotionally abusive) while my dad's side is somewhat hellish (with the exception of my dad, who is a lovely person. the reason I can't really turn to him for support is a whole other story.)

I'm still in school and living at my parents house but I'm planning to move out as soon as I can as its not good for my mental health to live here, so kudos to you for taking that step and moving away from a living situation that wasn't good for you!

I guess I would say think carefully about who is actively causing you problems and decide whether to cut those specific people out or to just limit contact, etc. to me your aunt doesn't sound like a healthy person to have in your life. your grandma on the other hand probably means well and simply doesn't understand, so maybe pick times to call her when you're feeling pretty good and avoid the topic of mental health? you are the only one who really knows the answers, but hopefully this and what everyone else has said gives you someplace to start

[snow_queen]

also forgot to say one thing. my best friend told me once "family is who you love, not necessarily who you're related to" which was really helpful for me to hear. basically you patch together your own unique wonderful family and for some people it has a lot of people who are related to them and for some none. and that's ok. best of luck

[Sunshine425]

Sounds like chef needs to be a little more understanding!! You have to do what is best for you. DO NOT let her guilt trip you. Does she have other people that can afford the visit.?

[Hidden in reply to Sunshine425]

Probably not, but she has people more likely to do it

[Sunshine425 in reply to Hidden]

Ive been setting boundries with a lot of people in my life. Just because you put yourself first doesnt mean you dont care about others. Dont feel bad at all.