Family issues: Ok maybe you guys can... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Family issues

Ryanburns profile image

Ok maybe you guys can give me some advice. I'm 18 dating a soon to be 17 year old. We've been dating for almost a year and for the most part we haven't really had any problems. My mom and her sister met her in May and now they are trying to get me to leave her saying that she's just with me because my mom makes a decent income unlike my girlfriends family. They are saying that she's a gold digger. However talking with her she seems to truly love me. I love her. But at the same time I don't want to disappoint my family. We are supposed to be getting married next August and I want my family there but I'm not willing to have them there if they do not accept her. How do I nicely put my foot down. With my family and tell them I'm not leaving her? It's caused a lot of issues between my family and I and it has brought on a lot more depression for me. Any advice would be helpful.

14 Replies

Hi, Is this the fiancé that dumped you ten days ago?

Ryanburns profile image
Ryanburns in reply to Xene

there was amiss communication she didn't dump me she said she couldn't talk to for few days and bc of my anxiety I thought that meant we were breaking up but she was going camping

Xene profile image
Xene in reply to Ryanburns

That’s all good then. I’ve been reading your other replies and maybe with the pre nup your mom will come around in time? It all sounds very complicated with your prospective fil and hope it all works out for you. Good luck.

I’m glad to see you’re at least posting again. I was worried about you. Good luck & stay strong. xo

Ryanburns profile image
Ryanburns in reply to

internet is kinda spotty where I am sadly

I didn’t know people still marry that young.

Ryanburns profile image
Ryanburns in reply to

yes we do. lol

I feel like my experience in a similar situation was too long ago and probably a little too different to be useful but when I was in high school I was dating a girl who wanted to get married the instant she graduated the year after me and immediately start having children. I’m not saying that getting married that young doesn’t work for everyone because I know couples who are still together 15+ years later.

What I can tell you is that in my position it would have been a mistake. I believe my ex genuinely loved me but she was in too much of a hurry to start a family. After we broke up she actually met someone online, had him move In with her mother and was married and was pregnant less than two years later. Speaking as someone who is now getting divorced, I feel like I should advise caution. If your parents can’t accept her and you are fine without their blessing that’s one thing but rushing into a major commitment is something I would caution against though. Not because it’s automatically a bad idea but because of how it can affect you and possible children later if it doesn’t work out. It’s so hard to wait when you want something but being together longer without being married may not be a bad idea. Feel free to ignore me I just can’t imagine rushing into a marriage again at any point in my life now

Ryanburns profile image
Ryanburns in reply to

thank you for the advice. We have been wanting to get married for a while now but we agreed we wont have children for at least five years to give us time to buy a house and get good jobs. we are both going to college for 4 years and she graduates early. One of the main reasons we dont want to wait to get married is because her father is very abusive but when she tries to move out he calls the cops and shes forced back home. shes tried multiple times to get emancipated but they were all denied because she doesn't have proof. shes been trying to harm herself just to go to the hospital to get away from him. If we get married she is automatically emancipated and no longer has to stay with him. And as for if we divorce we both agreed to sign a prenuptual agreement stating that we split everything 50/50 and that no one can go for alimony in the event of a divorce

in reply to Ryanburns

Well that definitely puts things into a new light and I hope whatever you decide works out. I’m not familiar with a lot of marriage laws in other states so I’m not sure I’m much help there. I can think of several questions or concerns I could still raise but it sounds like you’ve got a good head on your shoulder so I guess the only one I feel ok asking is does your family know about her situation and why you want to get married so fast? I’m hesitant to suggest telling them because if they’re already convinced she’s using you that may worsen but at the same time I would hope they’d be more likely to understand why

You are young. You have your life ahead of you. How exciting! In the long run you need to try to make peace with your parents. It is your life. When you get married, you are marrying the entire family. If you leave your family out, it gives them even more of a reason to resent her. Just a thought.

Ryanburns profile image
Ryanburns in reply to AZ1970

true but my family has already casted me out because I wont break up with her. they are completely against her because she comes from a welfare family and her mom cant work because she broke her back in a car accident. They think that because her mom wont work neither will she which is completely wrong shes had a job since she was 14 so she can help her family pay bills. Ive been out of work since January and shes the one who always wants to buy me stuff because she says that when I had a job I did stuff for her now its her turn (which is true). Shes even helping me get my car fixed so I can get a job again. If she was a gold digger like my parents think she is shes bad at it because im broke as hell and she still is with me.

Hi Ryanburns,

Relationships are challenging, and often times more than just the couples are involved. I am much older, so if I may, I would like to respond in a manner similar to how I would respond to my own children or very young friends. While the two of you may share deep feelings for one another, you are both in deep development. Please try to understand that (it may sound outlandish) that full brain development for both of you won't occur until age 25. From a scientific perspective, prefrontal cortex development at this point will hinder executive thinking or higher decision making abilities. In a nut shell, you both need time to grow before long term decisions are made. From a spiritual angle, if you cared about her, you would give her the room to grow. After all, she is 16. You are older and leading this. Please ask yourself, How am I demonstrating adult behavior? How am I looking after the best interests of my partner. Think about this, your life and the life of your partner depends on it. In the meantime, I'll pray for your discernment.

Outlook2018

just like that....tell them your getting married and that is your decision and you would hope they would respect you and her and come to your wedding. Other than that they have no sayso. If your an adult, and your fiancée is considered of legal consenting age, and an adult also...done deal.

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