self frustration

[CaliBoa22]

I’m so angry with myself. How could I let myself rot away?? How could I believe that it didn’t matter if I died or not?? How could I lay in bed for months without doing anything?? How could my own mind betray me like that?? N now I have to clean up the fucking mess n it’s exhausting. My body is dealing with the side affects n it’s so frustrating to constantly feel like shit all the time. It’s so fucking hard to stay positive n motivated when I get winded doing basic things. I know it’s one day at time n the progress will show but fuck it’s so hard. I just want to be better. I was just wanna function like a regular person. Even crying while typing this is making my stomach cramp. Not a moment of peace. I’m just so disappointed in myself. It’s like a deep festering self-resentment as I get better w doing a simple routine makes me even more mad. You couldn’t do the bare fucking minimum??? Seriously??? But I remember n I couldn’t. I was doing my best to survive. To simply live. That should be enough. That was good enough for that time. N deep down I know that. Just sometimes it’s so hard to be understanding n compassionate to that part of myself. It’s exhausting.

[Hb2003]

I understand what your going through its really frustrating 😕. i have asthma and i felt the exact same way when i could barley move a lot because of it . it made me so ticked off 😤

[compasnet]

OMG Cali, you make me want to cry. ...truly. The question should be how could someone who (from having gotten to know you a bit on here) is so compassionate, caring, sensitive, intelligent, excellent writer, and loving be so hard on herself? Like you said, Cali, you were just trying to survive, and Thamk God for that 🙏 because now the rest of the world and we here on HU get to have you, thank GOD 🙏

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[Dell12345]

Acceptance of the fact that it is not your fault is important I think. It's difficult with mood disorders because there is so much rubbish out there online about how you could change your life if you just 'got up early in the morning', 'ate more vegitables', 'ran everyday', 'thought differently' etc etc ad norsium.

The truth is that some self development is possible, but everyone starts with different genes, and these have a huge impact on who you are and how your brain works. Just as everyone is not born with model good looks, not everyone is born with a brain that gives them 100% happy all the time. There is as much variation in people brains as there is in people's looks, and everything else.

If you suffer from mental health problems it's incredibly frustrating, but it's not your fault. Just as it's not someone's fault if they have brown hair, need glasses, or have perfect vision.

It's just how it is, and accepting that can take some of the weight off and frustration of mental illness.

Xx

[Midori]

Hi there and welcome.

I would suggest that you get some bloodwork done to get an idea what you may be low in. It's likely, if you have been stuck indoors that you may be low in Vitamins D and C.

I am going to surmise that you have taken to your bed, or just flopped about indoors for a few months, so you may be lacking in muscle tone and certain vitamins. If I am wrong, please forgive me.

It is difficult to get the muscle tone back, once lost, but you have youth on your side and will need some gentle excercise to start with. I would suggest a Tai Chi class, It is a slowly moving meditation, which will help you loosen the stiffness while helping the muscles. Don't overdo it, as it will make you feel stiff for a few days to start with.

Try to get outside for about half an hour a day to top up your natural D and C, and if your doctor prescribes them take 'em!I f you can, take a short walk, even if it just around the block.

Don't want to overload you right now, that should be enough to start with,

Cheers, Midori

[CaliBoa22 in reply to Midori]

Your not wrong at all!! I have been going on morning walks, doing yoga, n meditation. I will still definitely check out Tai Chi. This was just the frustration of having to get it all back n it just taking time. I’m planning on seeing the doctor in a week or so if I still don’t feel well. Thank you for the wonderful advise!

[Midori in reply to CaliBoa22]

You're welcome!

[designguy]

I know it does get frustrating but ask yourself if you would talk to someone else the way you talk to that part of you, it helps to put things in perspective.

You might get your hormones, thyroid and adrenals checked out to make sure the are functioning properly if not they can contribute to physical issues as well as mood problems.