how I’m feeling

[hocuspocus22]

Since last year I told myself I would make it to my 21st birthday. That 21 would open more doors for me and I can hopefully build new relationships in place of the ones I have lost over the past few years. I turn 21 in less than a month and it’s still hard. I don’t understand why I feel like this so much. It’s not all the time sometimes I feel okay and even happy but sometimes I feel awful so sad so hopeless so depressed and I don’t know how to fix it. My depression has gotten really bad over the last three years or so. And I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe I’m just lazy and I’m not doing enough to fix it. But it’s hard when everything feels so hopeless and my life feels so insignificant. I’m really trying to make it to 21 I really am. I don’t wanna feel like this. I wanna be happy but I don’t know how. My life is filled with constant reminders of the people who don’t care about me and how much better they are doing than me. How come they are so happy and doing so great. I was so selfish and I messed up so many things in my life. I want to be good and be a good person but I don’t know if I am anymore. I think the world would be better off with out me. But then I think that would be even more selfish to my family. They would be heartbroken. So how do i disappear without dying? How do I live such a sad life without anyone knowing. No one’s gonna come and just save me and fix things. I don’t know what to do. Why am I so sad and why can’t I just be happy

[gajh]

Welcome. I am glad you found your way here. You are not alone in your struggles. The world would definitely not be better off without you. I am glad that you are thinking about your family and how they would feel to lose you. You are so young. You have so much time to get help, heal, and have a wonderful life. Are you in therapy? Are you on any medications?

[hocuspocus22 in reply to gajh]

I was once on antidepressants but I do not think they helped me. I felt the same way while being on them. I did do therapy but I have trouble opening up to people. I struggle to find words on how I’m feeling unless I write them down in the very moment they occur. However I did just book an appointment with my old therapist for next week so hopefully I can tell her how I’m feeling and get some help. Thank you for responding.

[gajh in reply to hocuspocus22]

I am so glad you booked the appointment. Can you write down things ahead of time to tell your therapist to make it easier to express yourself at the appointment? Sometimes it takes time to find the right medication and the right dose. Just because what you were on before didn't help you doesn't mean nothing will work. I just wouldn't rule that out as an option. Some people find great relief with antidepressants, but some people they don't help at all. Do you have a doctor you could talk to?

[hocuspocus22 in reply to gajh]

I don’t really have a doctor anymore no, but I will start with therapy and see where things go from there. I really appreciate your response.

[gajh in reply to hocuspocus22]

Yes therapy is a great first step. You deserve to have support. You can get a lot of support here as well.

[HopeforMiami]

Hi. I'm new here too and I want you to know that this is a great place to be and feel supported. Don't blame yourself for things that are in the past. We all make mistakes and we all deserve to be happy.Don't give up. There's a lot you can do, but you must believe and know in your heart that you deserve every kind of help that you can get to heal.

[hocuspocus22 in reply to HopeforMiami]

Yea I hope so, idk sometimes I feel like I really don’t matter. It’s how I’ve kinda felt all my life. That everyone else is just more important than I am. I don’t know why I feel this way. And I would like to feel differently. Like I matter and my life matters.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to hocuspocus22]

that’s great that the desire is there, it’s just a matter of being able to produce the keys to make you feel like you and your life matter. you’re courageous to create opportunities that initiate that process like your being here and getting support along with therapy. be encouraged.

[hocuspocus22 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Yes, I agree. I have to push myself to get better and I will. Thank you.

[HopeforMiami]

You are a unique human being who cannot be replaced. Your life matters to your family and the people around you. And you can do good for others, even if it's just sharing a smile with someone. If you want my advice, I would tell you to choose a career where you can feel you're making a little bit of difference in your small part of the world each day.

[hocuspocus22 in reply to HopeforMiami]

Thank you I appreciate your response greatly

[GlowingDarkly]

I feel every word you put down here. I am glad you are still fighting for yourself because you are worthy of life and worthy of existing.

I have been in your shoes, when I was 21 I felt like I was falling behind my friends, not working hard like they were (playing too many video games) and yet I persisted too because my mental illness kept me locked into cycles of avoidance and fear. And I keenly remember thinking to myself that my age held significance. It was the same when i turned 30, and now as I am steadily approaching the end of my 30s I think the same thing. But what I realized somewhere along the way is it is okay to take things at your own pace. And especially at 21, I hated hearing that “I am young and still have time”, because that didn’t feel like it was enough for me.

Focus on yourself and set some small goals for yourself. You don’t have to do anything outrageous, like maybe you want to learn to bake the best brownies you’ve ever personally tasted. But start small, do it at your own pace, and think about the kid you once were and what they may have dreamed to do. Life at 21 can feel like there is only one track to be considered “successful” but I promise you that not everyone walks the same path.

But the key is to begin the process of loving yourself for who you are, warts and all. And it is okay to mess up, to fail and to start over. That’s the beauty of 21 and why everyone might tell you “you got time” because you do.

I carry a journal with me wherever I go. 90% of the time its there so if I have a crazy idea based on something I see on TV or something, I can jot it down. But it is also there so when I am feeling something that I want to share with someone or just can’t keep in my head, it is a means to get it all out, judgement free. And I’ll tell you another thing, therapists love it when you have journals of your thoughts and thought processes - it can help them identify strategies to help you all the quicker.

You are not alone and you CAN do this. You’re worth fighting for.

[hocuspocus22 in reply to GlowingDarkly]

Thank you I really appreciate your response. I am going to continue wrong down my thoughts.