I just really miss my mom. I’m 36 and wasn’t ready to not have her in my life anymore. She was my friend. I talked to her about everything. I’ve recently passed 4 board exams and graduated from the dental hygiene program (which was harder than becoming a teacher) and I can’t talk to her about any of these things. She was in my dream this morning. It wasn’t anything pivotal but it was nice to see her in it. I’m home while my husband’s at work and I should go grocery shopping and make food. Ive started my morning sobbing and these emotions are so exhausting that I’ll probably need to go back to sleep. I know I’m not alone but I feel alone. My friends and family who know that I’m dealing with the loss of my mom see a different side of me. They don’t know how painful it is for me to be home by myself with all this time to think and feel. I thought about texting one of them but decided to post on here instead. When I was in school I was so busy that I actually scheduled time to grieve. Now that I’m not as busy, I feel like I’m grieving all the time. Everything has changed since mom unexpectedly died in September and I feel like my heart is broken. Just when I start to feel like I’m coping better, I’m blindsided. My husband is the only one who sees how shattered I am. He has been my rock and for that I am grateful. I also struggle so much with feeling worthless because while I have this free time I should be enjoying my time, painting, shopping, cooking, keeping up with the apartment, etc... Everything takes so much energy that I usually only get one or two things done a day-if that. My dad’s not coping well. He drinks every day and I worry that he’s going to slowly kill himself by drinking and not taking proper care of himself. I think my medication needs to be changed or adjusted but I am putting off the doctor’s appointment because money is tight and I don’t have insurance. I know there are things I could and should be doing to make myself feel better-go for a walk, meditate, participate in a hobby, gratitude journaling, etc. but it’s so hard to do even the smallest task. My mom was the one I turned to when I needed support and now she’s gone. There is no one like her and no one can replace the important roles she served in my life. This month on the 18th, it will be 8 months to the day. I’m always going to miss her and it’s always going to hurt. Hopefully as time goes on it will hurt less. Thanks for letting me share my feelings. I’m just so sad and while I know it’s not true, I can’t help but feel like no one understands.