Breakdown : So I was checking my... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Breakdown

Call_me_anything profile image

So I was checking my emails and I found this old email when we used to talk here on HU. 'I love you to the moon & to Saturn!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️'. These were the exact words she said, and I found more messages like these. Suddenly I realised that she's bipolar, maybe she blocked me because she was struggling and it was a impulsive decision. I got worried about her health. I decided to find her profile on fb using my alt account. I did find it and I saw she just today updated her cover photo. She was with her family and she seemed happy and healthy.

I was wrong. She's not struggling. She's alright. It was good to see her smile. I had a kind of breakdown seeing her again, you know some glimpses of the time we used to talk flashed in front of my eyes. I do have a hole in my heart.

But earlier today I heard a podcast, it was about reasons why friends leave you. And after listening to it, I realised what I may have done wrong. I was maybe too dull, or maybe I was too negative. I try to be mostly funny during chatting with anyone and she also used to laugh at my jokes. Maybe she didn't really enjoyed it and only pretended to like them.

Or maybe I shared too much with her. I trusted her that's why I shared with her the negative thoughts I was experiencing the day before she left. She told me to create a list. A list of reasons, reasons to live. She added the first 2 points herself. 1. My sisters (sisters, plural because she also counted herself)

2. Mango (a fruit we both love)

I started making a list. I added like more than 50 reasons in that list. After an hour of creating the list, I sent it to her. She didn't reply but it was normal because she usually stayed busy at that time. So I went to sleep and the next morning I realise I have been blocked. I don't know whether she read the list or not. Maybe I'll never know.

I still remember the very last message that she sent me. It said 'You don't bother me'. She said so because I apologized for bothering her with my negative thoughts.

I've deleted all the chats we had and all her pictures to move on but damn, I saw this old email today

Please let me share this with you guys. I really have no one to talk to right now, I haven't been talking to my friends lately and my sister is very busy lately with her work. I have no one to turn to, I have no social interaction with anyone. I've been listening to roleplay asmr videos on YouTube just to pretend that I have a friend with me but the moment the video ends, I end up in tears from the sad realisation of the reality. All i have right now is this forum.

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Call_me_anything
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59 Replies

im sorry that you are feeling this way i know its hard i also had the same i lost contact with a friend that i met here in healthunlocked but all i know is that she found a job and it was something she really wanted , you sound really caring and loyal to this friend seeing a pic of her being happy and safe is good for you because she meant alot to you and a part of you is happy for her of course that's how i would feel about it .you dont have to blame your self at all but her leaving this form can mean that she is doing better now .

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

She left this forum months ago so it's nice she didn't needed this anymore. I also left some time after she left but here I am. Again on this forum

in reply toCall_me_anything

we all different different stories diff way of dealing with our emotions its ok to come back here if you felt like you need support i also came back because its a part of my healing journey

its all about you you do this for you and that's what matter

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

Thanks. Btw what was your username earlier?

in reply toCall_me_anything

i don't really remember lol but we have chatted before tho

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

No wayyyyyyyyy! No wayyyyyy! You're lovelymee ?

in reply toCall_me_anything

yes its meeee i forgot my username LOL

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

I can't believe this 🤯 it's INSANE !!!!

in reply toCall_me_anything

hahahaha its see its ok to come back

in reply toCall_me_anything

happy you still remember me means a lot

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

Yeah of course I do. You're lovelymee22 to be precise

in reply toCall_me_anything

my English was kinda broke back then

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

No it was fine, I swear

in reply toCall_me_anything

no no it wasn't im doing better know for sure

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

We learn everyday

in reply toCall_me_anything

right right

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

You were my first friend here

in reply toCall_me_anything

ohhh happy that i was 😊😊😊

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

Yeah but then you left this forum. It was sad

in reply toCall_me_anything

yeah i didnt even say bye it was a busy time of my life im really sorry

in reply to

really rude from me

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

No it's fine. Maybe you were preparing me for future

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

Just kidding 😅

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

But honestly I never thought we would talk ever again. It's almost like a dream that we met again

in reply toCall_me_anything

me too feels right

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

Do you use Spotify?

in reply toCall_me_anything

no i don't

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

Ohk

in reply toCall_me_anything

ohk

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

How have you been? It's almost a year right ?

in reply toCall_me_anything

a long time but i dont remember how much exactly i have been good i did good at my joiner year so yeah life been good, hard at the same time

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

Proud of you

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

You're gone again 😕🙍

in reply toCall_me_anything

you are welcome

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything

Yeah

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything

U did

Hi. You will never really know why she broke contact. Let her go. Look for friends in real life, not just online relationships.

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply to

Yeah I've stopped trying to make online friends anymore.

JULIETstevens profile image
JULIETstevens

I am here for you. I also recently spiralled downwards thinking I had no friends to support me and cared so I know how it feels. Stay strong. Tell me about yourself if you fancy making a ntfroend. I had a brain haemorrhage 5 years ago.

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply toJULIETstevens

I love football and music

Outcast profile image
Outcast

For a minute there I thought I was reading my experience like I was writing it. I am going pretty much same thing. But mine is a female friend or thought was a friend. She said i didn’t bother her and apology also. I also open up to her to. Then one day she just stop talking to me. And that has hurt my feelings and emotions since. It’s like know one takes there actions and doesn’t care how it will effect someone. I thought I had a friend and someone I could open up to and joke around with and so fourth. But again shit down by another person I thought I had a friend. It seems like there are no friends out there. At least. Or like the ones I had growing up

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply toOutcast

I understand

EarthSitter1 profile image
EarthSitter1

I think a lot of us can relate to how you feel, and I guess because we are all mostly here because we have similar problems sometimes it’s hard to cope with being both supportive and coping with our own problems. It’s not great to block people or cut them off but everyone has their different way of dealing with things when they’re feeling under their own pressures , Due to my past I purposely keep people at arms length but that doesn’t mean I don’t care, I just need to keep myself safe by not getting too friendly with others.I guess what I’m saying is please don’t be discouraged there’s a friend out there somewhere looking for a friend like you.

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply toEarthSitter1

Thanks

horseygirl_0103 profile image
horseygirl_0103

Oh dear sorry youve gone through all of that -I used to have a friend I'd known since 6th form college & we lost contact for a while then when I was living with a partner she suddenly contacted me out of the blue & invited me & my then boyfriend (who i was going through a bad patch with) to stay over

At her house while she was cooking & when I d come downstairs I could hear my then boyfriend confiding in her about me & when I questioned both -they both wouldnt tell me anything

Now 30 + years later one of her mates suddenly contacted me to see how I was ,&I asked after her & suggested to him to ask her if she wanted to contact me by messenger, text & when he asked her -he came back & said she didnt want to talk to me

I asked him if he knew why & he just said I dot know so I put it to him that the only reason it is -comes from the night when me & the lad I lived with in Oldham had plotted to get together when we were staying over (hence the reason why thye were speaking behind a closed door)

& hence why the reason why he finished the relationship & put it to him I felt that was the only reason I could think of as the two went hand in hand (him breaking up with me & the two of them talking behind a closed door at her house & put it to him that I think theyre together now

Her mate put that to her & through him he came back & said that wasnt the case & didnt offer a ny explanation for refusing to speak to me when I hadnt done anything to hurt her

I felt the same way as you did so I know what youre going througth so praying for you that you ll be ok soon

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply tohorseygirl_0103

Thank you

horseygirl_0103 profile image
horseygirl_0103 in reply toCall_me_anything

youre very welcome

emmi331 profile image
emmi331

It sounds like you are overthinking this, which is a bad habit I had for many years myself.

This is life! Friendships come and go. In fact, in the last few years I've been ghosted by two people who had been close friends for many years. No explanations. Fortunately, my ego is healthy enough to figure it's their loss! I have other friends who are loyal and who are there for me.

One thing AA teaches us is to have realistic expectations, because so often others will disappoint us. There are two other adages in this fellowship that have helped me keep my sanity:

"Easy Does It."

"Keep it simple."

When we complicate and overthink things, we hurt only ourselves.

🧡

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply toemmi331

Yeah I agree I'm overthinking a bit

JULIETstevens profile image
JULIETstevens

i hope you resolve this and fing new 'friends' on here as it's full of good people going through terrible life traumas like you. I had a brain haemorhage 4 years ago and struggled with loneliness in the new, traumatic world in which i now live. you are not alone. reach out and trust again. there are still plenty of good friends to make in this world. enjoy life... juliet

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply toJULIETstevens

Thank you

Dolphin14 profile image
Dolphin14

You can share anything with us. We are all here for you.

Please don't place all the blame for this on yourself. We are so good at that, picking ourselves apart when these things happen.

Relationships are two sided. It seems as if you were very close. If she loved you to the moon and back that says you have some wonderful qualities.

I'm sorry you are hurting

🐬

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply toDolphin14

Yes, I realise it's not all my fault. I know I'm a good person and it's hard to find someone as good as I am.

Dolphin14 profile image
Dolphin14 in reply toCall_me_anything

I like that!

Dolphin14 profile image
Dolphin14

Wow, you found and old friend by making this post. This is awesome, there are no coincidences in life. This was meant to happen.

🐬

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply toDolphin14

I found her but she left again, Lol 😅😂

Dolphin14 profile image
Dolphin14 in reply toCall_me_anything

No way??

Call_me_anything profile image
Call_me_anything in reply toDolphin14

See yourself, her username changed to hidden

Dolphin14 profile image
Dolphin14 in reply toCall_me_anything

Wow.... strange

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