Enough already. I can't take this anymore.

[Joshgw]

For those who don't know my story, I was recently hospitalized, ive done it all. ECT, TMS, DBT, CBT. I see my therapist twice a week my psychiatrist once/week. I've had suicidal ideation for a long time. I'm on trintellix and have been trying to find the right dose to no avail. My marriage is breaking up that I'm desperately trying to save. It's severely damaged and my 12 year old son has really been affected. My wife is also in therapy and my son will start therapy very soon and we're going to do couples therapy shortly too.

Everytime I start to feel better I immediately crash, like I panic or self sabotage. I think shes right. I restarted trintellix from scratch a week ago (originally started in feb). I was not having suicidal thoughts at all. The first time I started it after 3 weeks I had a weekend where I was actually happy, then crashed. Yesterday was week 1 after restarting from scratch. I had a good day and today I'm suicidal again. I need to find a way to break the cycle. I have the opportunity to do ketamine today, but how is that going to be any different. My wife is against it, because I keep going from one thing to another looking for relief. She thinks I can control my emotions through coping skills more than I think I can. I want to be in the right frame of mind to do the ketamine, be open to let it work instead of desperation. I don't want the same thing to happen again. I need to break the cycle and I can't live like this. I have all my bases covered and doing all the right things but im really in a lot of pain. What the hell am I supposed to do.

[Arymretep]

I’m so sorry, stay strong 😘

[Blue_81]

Sorry you are going through this. My ailment cycles for me too, one day I try to be good and happy just to have myself crash the next day. I dont know why, its like I self sabotage myself without really wanting that. We are here for you. Writing here helps alleviate the pain. Best wishes.

[Joshgw in reply to Blue_81]

Thanks for writing. I feel the same way.

[Agora1]

Hi Joshgw, the pain you experience is so clearly seen in each of your posts. You are doing all the right things. The problem is that the issue causing your distress has not been solved or gone forward. And so you stay stuck in this cycle of anticipational anxiety and fear.

You see my friend, unless we change the way we perceive our life, we claw at reaching

the top (a solution) but rather fall deeper in the hole. I've been there. I know what it's

like. It was during my inpatient hospitalization that I realized this. So medicated that I

didn't know what day it was. I just wanted to sleep away my fears.

What saved me was first accepting my situation for what it was. Maybe it was unresolvable.

If that were the case, then I had to change something about myself in how I dealt with it.

I accepted what I couldn't change in others and worked on what I could change about myself.

Once we work on a positive approach to a situation, we break that cycle and can start moving forward. Not easy but doable. Afterall, we can't help another if we can't help

ourselves first. Never give up as long as there is a breath in you.

My best in that you all learn something from this situation, hopefully through therapy

and counseling a resolution will be found. Good Luck xx

[Joshgw in reply to Agora1]

Thanks for your kind post. I also realized during my inpatient hospitalization that I had to change or shift my way of thinking, I know exactly what you mean. My problem is that I'm not there yet and in so much pain it's hard to function. I'm a much different person now than I was before the hospital. But I don't know what's causing my distress and how to solve it. I do know I can't just medicate it away and it's Behavioral, but meds can be used as tools to help alleviate some pain. Which are not working.

I have a great Behavioral therapist who is trying to help steer me in the right positive direction, and like you said I am doing all the right things. I do accept my situation, it's finding a way to resolve it is the issue. I'm too emotionally unstable right now.

[Agora1 in reply to Joshgw]

Joshgw, don't give up. Change takes time. Finding other modalitiescan help as well as meds, therapy and meditation. My "go to" has always

been YouTube. Reading about your traumas when young needs to be addressed

before you can move forward from the situation you are in right now.

Deep down, you were hurt and now feeling the pain once again.

In the end, as you heal, you will see more clearly in how to move forward with a

new strength, a new confidence in yourself.

Sometimes, when we are hurting, the words of a counselor/therapist go in one ear

and out the other. Our mind is so filled with trauma that we just keep ruminating

about that. It seems like there is no room to grow, to get past these issues.

As happened to me, one day all you have been taught will come to a solution.

I called it my "aha moment". Until then, continue reaching out to others as well

as try to stay focused on resolution to the past and present. xx

[Joshgw in reply to Agora1]

Thanks. I'm just so paralyzed i can't seem to be able to do anything. Im constantly spiraling and can't seem to stop. I can't think straight and work has become very difficult I can't seem to just "be" eventhough I am trying. I have no appetite, can't sleep. I have a 12 year old son and fighting suicide right now is my only objective. I have to fight, I have no choice, no alternative, but the pain I'm in is unbearable. It would kill him.

I don't know what "trauma" I suffered to cause this, but I need it to stop. I can't live like this anymore. I can barely type this. I don't want to go back to the hospital, and I don't think they could help me. I'm already getting Behavioral therapy.

[Agora1 in reply to Joshgw]

Josh, I am not a therapist, just someone who feels your painand wants to support you. Have you ever tried hypnotherapy?

With a qualified professional, you might be able to get down to

the root of your past trauma. But I will say this, what you and your

family are going through right now, is enough trauma to keep you

in this unsettled state of mind.

I'm so sorry you are in such emotional pain. xx

[Joshgw in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for your support. I'm trying to fight this as much as I can for my son. I'm starting ketamine later this week, I have to push through to get there. I'm thinking of changing my meds. I a fully aware I can't medicate this Away, but I need something to take the edge off. Use it as a tool, not the solution. If I didn't have a kid, I might not be here. I'll bring up hypnotherapy with my regular therapist.

[Agora1 in reply to Joshgw]

Good Luck on starting ketamine this week. You are absolutely right in that you needto take the edge of this immense stress and then you can work on a solution with a

more rational and clear mind. My best to you Josh. xx

[Joshgw]

Thank you. And you're right, there is something trauma based. Maybe not everything, but they do have a major place in my current depression. I pretty much have figured out (I think) what those traumas are.

I had a real Charlie brown childhood. The people who were supposed to be my best friends picked on me the most (ex: at 11 my then best friend through me out of my summer camp bunk naked onto the street after my shower so the whole camp could see and closed the door. I was also peed on while I slept). My dad was very controlling with an anger management issue. My old psychiatrist said something to me that i never thought of before. Everything I thought I was supposed to be safe, I really wasn't. False sense of security. It made a lot of sense to me.

When I met my wife (23 yrs ago) was my current trigger. We got real serious real fast and I went through the I love her, I don't love her stage. I didn't trust my instincts and was afraid of doing the right/wrong thing and feeling safe. I've had this depression ever since.

This is what made sense to me by an old psychiatrist and I have a better one now and working with a behavioral therapist to try to move on and repair myself and get healthy. It took an inpatient hospitalization to realize this.

But I'm still in so much pain and emotionally unstable and with a 12 year old son who I adore more than anything I feel just trapped in my own head/skin.

Thank you for your insight