I have a 12 year old son that I love so much and I'm trying to repair my marriage with my wife. I just lowered my trintellix to 15 from 20 b/c I thought 20 was too high. Yesterday I was depressed but not suicidal like I am today. I know I have to push through this get through this for them. I've tried everything. ECT, TMS, CBT, DBT, I do therapy 3 times a week, 20 different meds. I can't live this way anymore but I can't seem to do anything about it either. I don't expect anyone here can really help me, guess I just had to do something, but this is pointless. I know posting here is at least reaching out, but in the end nothing is really going to change. I'm just in so much pain. In the end I really do want to live. I want to get better. I want to be happy. I want to have a life. I don't know how anymore. I need help!! But I don't know if anyone can give it to me.
I just want to die. But I can't - Anxiety and Depre...
I just want to die. But I can't
You are loved and hold on tight to that. Keep your postings. I will pray for you and you should ask if God all these things and strength to carry on. Loving God and loving family
Hello Joshgw
I empathize with you. I mean I don't have the same circumstances as you. I'm not a man and I'm not in my 50s. But I'll tell you my story. 3 years ago I was living my best life. After years of anxiety wasted teenage years and early 20s with crippling anxiety, I finally achieved healing. I met a man and I found love. We're living together. And I'm doing all the things that I dreamed of doing. Then I got diagnosed with hypothyroidism. It hurt I figured it was because of my weight. I had gotten fat. I figured if I worked hard on myself it would go away. But I was adjusting to the medication just fine. Then suddenly I was upgraded in my medication and not explained why. That medication brought me down. I now had crippling anxiety. I was having panic attacks. And my doctor at the time did him believe it was the medication just thought it was me. Put me on antidepressants which made it worse. Wouldn't allow me to see a specialist because at the time I had an HMO. And I fell into a depression and crippling anxiety. I'm still dealing with crippling anxiety. I don't go anywhere now. I'm back to where I was when I was a teenager, a shut in. I now have a new doctor but she too seems to think that it's just my anxiety that I always had and maybe I'm in deep denial. But she did refer me to a specialist for my thyroid. Problem is the specialist doesn't like to work all that much. She works for a clinic that sees like well over 300 people so we're pretty much like cattle to them. I told her the specialist that 50 micrograms make me feel terrible and anxious that's why I asked to be put back on 25. Just barely gave a head nod and sign me up for test to do. I guess after my lab work came back she decided to put me back on 50 micrograms despite what I had told her. There was a good couple of months where I started to feel like myself again when I was on 25. Now I'm back to feeling anxious and scared all the time. I feel ashamed that I'm back on my Klonopin. I only had that prescription as just in case. I only used it as needed and I was proud of that. Now I take it twice a day just to keep the anxiety at bay. I'm doing self-help books and therapy. Most recently I looked into acupuncture to help me with my anxiety. Cuz I don't want to be on pills. I don't want to wear out there welcome. But of course like everything in this world it's run by cream. Well you may not have heard of that wu-tang song. Cream is an acronym for cash rules everything around me. Of course with acupuncture it's $125 for the first session and each week it's $85. Kind of don't have that money to be spending. I got recommended a doctor who specializes in thyroids but this doctor isn't under my insurance so it would be out of pocket and again it'll be about $120 for a visit. I don't want to dip into my lifesavings and waste it all for a dead end. So now I am in doubt. I am so tired of trying and failing and trying and failing. I often think about death and would it be like to just disappear. Cuz I know I'm a burden to my fiance and my mother. My mother is elderly she can't be looking after her 30-year-old daughter. I was hoping to get to a place where she can be proud of me and no longer have to worry about me. And now she's back to worrying about me. Even though I sometimes think about ending it all. The reason why I don't is because it doesn't take away the pain, it just passes it on to someone else. You have a family that loves you dearly. You don't want to pass on that kind of pain to your children. It's already hard living in this world. And I know you don't feel like you can do it but believe me you are so much stronger than you think you are. I know this because I live this. We've got so many things to do. We mustn't lose hope. Yes it's tiring trying and failing and falling on our faces. But we get back up again. We keep going. We got things to do and people to love. So please keep trying not just for your sake but also for your family. They do need you. Wishing you peace and love! ❤️
Thank you for your thoughtful post. I understand exactly what you mean. Our circumstances might be different, but conceptually not that far apart. We're both stuck and feel like a burden to our families. My wife and I have had marriage problems for a long time because I stopped being an equal partner (we've been together over 20 years). I know I have to push through but I'm in just so much damn pain
I feel you. My fiancé and I need together for 9yrs. We were working with each to build our dream. Now I'm a dependent to him and my mother. He has so much to shoulder and it's not fair for him to carry that weight by himself. That's why I want to get better cause I want to be able to help. But at times the pain can be overwhelming. I'm remained everyday I'm not where I wanna be. We have something or someone to love for. But really we both need to be wanting to live for ourselves. Cause we got a lot to see and experience. May we both get to see the sun ☀️
Dearest Joshgw, I find the last sentence of your post incredibly positive.In that you do want to live and be happy and have a life. And those words
are what you need to hold onto right now.
Does your doctor know you reduced your dosage yesterday? That could have
given you this backlash of feelings. Because of what you are going through right
now, it could possibly have played a big part in your depression spiraling down.
There was a time that I felt lost, alone and afraid. Not knowing where the answers
lied. I remember my psych telling me that I was like a person lost at sea, riding those
deep waves of despair. You sound like you are in the same position. However, you
are being thrown a "lifebuoy" by picturing your son and your love for him.
Hold on to that thought my friend and let the love of your son save you from harm.
Let your son be your rescue and pull you to shore where you can feel safe once again.
Someday you will look back at this moment as a blessing in disguise. Love is a powerful
tool. May my thoughts keep you afloat today. Please give your doctor a call regarding having
lowered the dose. 
xx
Thanks for your kind reply. It was my doctor who lowered my dose. I did not do it on my own. The theory was that the higher dose was too high because maybe it was causing the way I feel now. I'm hoping it's just me getting used to the lower dose.
You are 100% right about my son and use him as my Lifeline. Your analogy is very apt. I really appreciate you taking the time to write. I'm trying to climb my way out of the rabbit hole but I'm stuck. But you have helped. Thank you
Joshgw, I'm glad to hear that you lowered the dose by your doctor's advicesince he knows what's best for you. It may very well be that it takes time for
your mind to adjust to the lower level.
We all know what it is like to feel stuck in a rabbit hole...we don't want to stay
down in the hole and yet the "light of day" at the top seems so far away.
With the help of your doctors as well as us supporting you, hopefully, you will
pull yourself out of that hole, one inch at a time. Come take our hands, we
are here to support you . xx
I pm you Joshgw
My thoughts are with you Josh, it’s so hard to say something positive, but as others have said your Son is your life, hold on to that and be strong for him , he loves you and looks to you for guidance, be there for him , take care 😘
Thank you all for your kind words. You're all right, my love for my son and family needs to be my Lifeline and way out of this rabbit hole. But right now that feels so difficult. I can't leave my son and family behind, it would kill them, ruin my son's life. I do want to live. But I also need the pain to stop.
Sorry Josh you are going through this. Its hard to keep going when you are in so much pain. But Keep up the good fight for your son. My father passed away when I was at a young age, and nothing was ever the same. Sending you wishes for healing 🙏🙏🙏
Hi! First of all - you are not alone. All of us in this forum are there to help each other. Your son depends on you. Can you look after his studies and other day to day routine? That would be a great help to him and your wife too. Pick up an active past time - may be gardening or running. It will help a lot in managing anxiety. Keep strong.🙏
Joshgw, I am sorry things have gotten so hard. Did you call the prescribing doctor about the meds? Please do. Sometimes they have a long term goal with a med and you have to go though sone tougher days to get there.
If you had just heard your son say what you said to us, what advice would you give him?
I know what it is like to have tried a half dozen different ways and come out feeling worse...feeling hopeless. In your therapy, do you only vent about the horrible parts of your life? If so, I think that might be reinforcing all the negative stuff first. It makes it hard to see any of the positive stuff to get you out of the funk.
Do you journal? Let me find the GLAD journal directions and I will send them over.
Hang on. It gets better.
Hi. Thanks for responding. I do journal and I have a new therapist who's much more proactive and uses DBT than straight talk therapy. My therapist actually suggested what you said about what would I do if my son said what I did and apply it to myself. That's very hard to do.
How do you like DBT? I was looking for a therapist who does that.
When you journal, is it mostly positive or mostly negative?
Yes, thinking about someone else saying it to you is very tough. I think part is because we feel so low that it is hard to imagine someone we care about feeling so low. Another part is that saying it out loud feels like it makes it real. It always made me feel like I refusing to take the advice even though I would say it to someone else… As if I wasn’t worthy of saving.
DBT is really hard. It takes a lot of willpower and strength. There are classes you can take too. I found my therapist on psychology today. My journal is more of a documentation of how I'm feeling at that moment. I try to list any accomplishments I made that day (such as simply going to work). But since I've felt so low, there's a lot of negativity in there.
Yes, I can understand journalling the negativity out onto paper. There are other structures for journals. I will put a list of ideas together and share them.
In the program I just finished we learned about GLAD journalling. This is a pretty good way to turn back from unhealthy emotions and remind you of good things.
This is 5-10 minutes, most effective before bed, but can be used when you are having a rough moment and need the distraction.
If you want to journal the bad things, you can put that down, but then G= gratitude: write down something that you are grateful for (big or small, person, thing, action, whatever...). L=learned: write down something you learned today (at work, in conversation, reading an article, observing..). A= accomplishment: Write down one thing you accomplished recently (keep in mind the mantra "I can achieve great things in small steps.") and D=delight (name anything that made you laugh or smile or encouraged you or made you aware of your surroundings).
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. Question! Have you had genetic testing for the psychiatric meds? There are great genetic tests that can help direct and decide the best medications!!! Genesight is one as well as Genefolio. I am certain there are more. Also, has your Dr checked your vitamin D levels? Fatty acids? B12? Have you had general blood tests done to rule out deficiencies? Do you exercise outside daily for 30 mins to the point of a little breathlessness? (Inside can be helpful, too!) These are just thoughts. NOT medical advice or judgements!!!!
PS as another poster said…thyroid has to be optimal as well!!
I will say some prayers for your healing❤️
Thanks for responding . I have done gene sight but not sure how accurate it really is I also take deplin (vitamin b and others) and magnesium .
Great to hear you are on your physical health!!! I send you so much love, light and hope. Have you gone over your Genesight test with your Dr? A pharmacist?
How about food triggers? Life circumstances you can change? Trying to change your daily routine 100% from the moment you wake on. Get outside as much as possible.
I suggest these things not to boss or think “I know.” Just helpful hints from fellow sufferers on the path.
I also dig deep into my faith life, but realize that is not everyone’s cup of tea.
Sorry to hear this is what your going through. Pls keep hanging in there. Better days might come!
We are all here for you 💋 sending much energy ⚡ and love through the post.
We all have different degrees of dark moments.. Everyone here is the beacon of light through it.
Hello. For you to write what you wrote to us is really very good. You are doing so very well. When medication changes it’s so difficult to see the wood for the trees and everything becomes unbearable. But things aren’t stuck where you are now things can change the smallest of things can make a difference. Tiny things, very small improvements. An extra deep breath. A walk. A hug. I connected with you when you said you had a son x me too. X x
I am so so sorry you feel that way. Hopefully you have a glimpse of happiness daily and hopefully it makes you stronger to stay here on earth Jess a little bit longer each day. I know I was 40 years old when I lost my mother in May and turned around and lost my father in July of the same year and that still is not enough time for me. So please don’t put your child through that. He needs you. And I know my mom been dead for over 10 years but I still would like to ask her questions about Any and everything and I can’t. So please think of your child
Thinking of you -can you tell us more about what is going on? We are here for you.
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